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And one more thing. I bet your wife is more comfortable with her mom taking care of her after birth instead of your mom taking care of her. Did you ask her about her opinion -- whom does she prefer?
My wife has a very good relationship with my mother. They are like best friends so that's not an issue.
I think someone mentioned here that it may be a power struggle and I think it is. We originally talked about having my mother stay with us and then have her parents fly over to help, EXACTLY like with our first born, which turned out great (no drama whatsoever). But my wife nonchalantly asked me "well, what about my parents air fare?" and that's when it went down hill... However, I did compromise to paying for her mother to fly over, but then since my wife didn't get everything she originally wanted, she is resorting to other option which is one to hire a nanny for a month, which makes sense when are mothers can be here. The only thing that does make sense as someone stated is merely a power struggle.
I appreciate the response everyone. I think one of the reason why it is difficult is because I was raised extremely poor. My mother and I came to the U.S (when I was 7) with just a bag of clothes because it took her entire savings to get the green cards and come here legally. I worked since I was very young to not only support myself but also my mother and step father at the time. I worked three jobs to get my engineering degree and help my parents at the same time. Years ago I went through deep depression because no matter how hard I worked, I couldn't move forward. Now at age 36 I finally have a very good income, nice house, and about to get a masters in engineering. But again, I am supporting my mother (paying her mortgage and have been years before I married my wife).
Now my wife's family are sort of the opposite. My mother in law has been working for the government for a very long time and the father in law is about to retire working as a small town district bank manager. My wife and her brother has literally been given everything and didn't have to work hard to earn anything. When her brother lived with us, he didn't even attempt to look for a job within 3 months. It took a huge argument for him to finally get a job and start paying for his own stuff. Again, my wife states it's a cultural thing but in reality it was how she was raised.
Still a very small part of me wants to pay half the tickets, but when they arrive here, I'm not sure if my attitude will be sound...especially when my in laws have more than enough funds to pay for their own tickets.
But you realize that you are punishing your wife because you grew up poor. I understand that because my husband and I were in the same position. He grew up dirt poor, we did not and kept using that as an argument. Finally I told him while I sincerely appreciate him being money smart and responsible, I cannot and will not be the whipping boy for his upbringing. I was extremely proud of his accomplishment but neither was i going to fell guilty for spending money because of his upbringing.
Now imo, whether or not your in laws have the money is moot, your wife is missing her mom and wants to have them there. lol, 3k is a small price to pay for her happiness. Now she's not going to do this on a monthly basis right?
Give your wife the choice of either a nanny or paying for her mother to come, and hope she picks her mother. But, I'm curious. At what point does a Korean woman go from expectations of help to being that help?
I find the opinions of those stating that this young mother will need help for several months puzzling. I don't know anybody who had months of help, including me, and my husband traveled weekly. It was easier with him gone, all I did was concentrate on the kids, no need to cook "adult" food, and the house cleaning took a back burner.
I find the opinions of those stating that this young mother will need help for several months puzzling. I don't know anybody who had months of help, including me, and my husband traveled weekly. It was easier with him gone, all I did was concentrate on the kids, no need to cook "adult" food, and the house cleaning took a back burner.
Please don't get me wrong. I genuinely mean this in a nice way. But your response and the other "army wife" response is exactly what i see as a wrong attitude to have. I see mothers and sisters all the time be super judgmental of their daughters and sisters. The logic always is "if i could do it and that too with much less, why can't you??"
The unsaid subtext always is, "look at you, all spoiled and lazy and soft".
What does this achieve anyway? Is this a brag about the hardships one has taken on, and others are found wanting because they have it too easy? I mean, there are tons and tons of other poorer families, especially those in worse countries, whose life is a great deal harder than yours or mine can ever be.
My point is, this is this family. This is their life circumstance. These are their financial abilities. Within those constraints, the would be mother of two wants to prioritize a few things that she feels will really help her in the next several months.
That's all there is to it. And consider that no one passes half this judgment when people spend a great deal of money on cars, vacations, or expensive hobbies.
To OP: I personally feel, and i say this as someone exactly in your shoes. Your wife is likely only saying this because she is weary of the argument and tension and is being made to feel guilty.
Seriously man, get her mother to come AND get a nanny if that is what is needed. From personal experience, the longer her mother stays, the more of a comfort it will be for your wife. I urge you to just stop doing the finances for at least a year unless this is wiping you guys out.
Like someone else said, the baby is going to cry all night and with you away, it is going to be very hard. A close family member living in is far far better than a nanny.
Your wife's glass is full, so she is not able to accept your perspective. I totally understand your frustration. If I was you, I simply do my part, meaning taking care of the family to the best of my ability. If the plane ticket doesn't cause you arm and leg, just pay for it because that will avoid the argument between you and your wife. Regardless if you care about the relationship with your wife or not, look at it this way, you are simply living this life to repay your debt in the past life (that's just my opinion).
Is it really worth it to argue? In my opinion, no, because life is too damn short, the next moment you know life might be over already. What we have in possession doesn't belong to any of us, we are just living in this society and borrow all resources that can gather. At the end of the life, nothing belongs to you. The money in your bank doesn't follow you to your grave. The nice house no longer matter because your flesh and blood is no longer exist.
I know I went off the topic, and my point to you is enjoy a peaceful life as much as you can. Give everything you have until you have nothing to give but your life, and don't complaint about others simply BS, which I can totally get, but just deal with it.
A drop of black ink in a cup of water would ruin the cup of water, but a drop of ink in a ocean has no effect. Be the ocean and don't be the cup of water.
Excellent post!
Sorry if you have already stated this, but Op how long have you been married? I ask because I just celebrated 16 years with my hubby. Have we fought about money? Sure, most couples probably have! I completely understand what you are saying; however, money is NOT worth fighting over. I would try to compromise and agree to pay for the ticket or nanny but not both. As long as you can afford to do so I would do that. Explain to your wife that your mother has no financial means (or little) and that is why you help her. Your in-laws have money and therefore since you will soon have another mouth to feed you can't help them 100% if they don't actually need it. Your children will however need your support and you have them to think about too.
As far as the nanny is concerned.....I never had one and my husband travels a lot too. However, everyone is different. I personally would not want a nanny, but that's just me. I would push for the family to help instead.
Bottom line, marriage is about compromise and if you fight about money your marriage will not survive. It's better to rise above an swallow your pride sometimes!
Please don't get me wrong. I genuinely mean this in a nice way. But your response and the other "army wife" response is exactly what i see as a wrong attitude to have. I see mothers and sisters all the time be super judgmental of their daughters and sisters. The logic always is "if i could do it and that too with much less, why can't you??"
The unsaid subtext always is, "look at you, all spoiled and lazy and soft".
What does this achieve anyway? Is this a brag about the hardships one has taken on, and others are found wanting because they have it too easy? I mean, there are tons and tons of other poorer families, especially those in worse countries, whose life is a great deal harder than yours or mine can ever be.
My point is, this is this family. This is their life circumstance. These are their financial abilities. Within those constraints, the would be mother of two wants to prioritize a few things that she feels will really help her in the next several months.
That's all there is to it. And consider that no one passes half this judgment when people spend a great deal of money on cars, vacations, or expensive hobbies.
A brag? What is there to brag about? We have kids by choice. Caring for them is part of the deal. And yes, it comes with some loss of sleep and letting the normal routine slide for a few months. We all do the best we can. And most of us do just fine without months of help to allow us to "prioritize" anything other than the health and happiness of our kids.
I just now told her that I will pay for her mother's plane ticket. Without even blinking or showing any appreciation, she states well lets just think about it because it might be better for a nanny to be taking care of my wife and the baby. I am beyond disbelief on how spoiled she is... I told my wife about how we didn't have any issue with our first born, but she says she was younger then (she is still very young at 30!!!) and didn't know much about nannies until she started talking with her other spoiled friends.
What about meeting half way? You pay half and her parents pay the other half?
Give it a shot. Maybe you can talk to her parents on the side and arrange something.
You should be on the same page about money. Very important. Seek help developing a budget and you may find ways to cut expenditures to save up enough. (does she get mani-pedis? Do you eat out frequently?)
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