Why do stay-at-home moms complain so much? (child care, child, husband)
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Someone once gave monetary value to all the jobs that SAHMs do, that a person would have to pay someone else to do, and tallied it up, and it came out to a whopping yearly amount....can't remember exactly, but seems like it was over $100,000 a year.
I've seen this analysis, the assumptions it is based on are questionable. Allocating portions of salaries from CEO (!!!), accountant, doctor, chef, psychotherapist, admin assistant, etc.... and not entry-level salaries, but assuming a significant amount of dedicated professional experience. Working parents perform those tasks too for their kids and household, no one is proposing they get paid for it. And finally, who is it that should be paying the salary... oh yeah, whoever is benefiting from the work... so I guess if a person can get their spouse/kids to pay them $100K annually for their efforts, more power to them.
Here is another theory: very few people of either gender are being groomed for a domestic role. Our current mentality is that everybody should go to college and focus everything on their career. High school has basically become the gatekeeper to determine who gets into what college and who gets what scholarship, rather than preparation for life. The truth is, most people of both genders will be taking on somewhat of a domestic role, in addition to or instead of the jobs that college is preparing them for, and they are not prepared for it.
The 2 most important classes that anybody takes are home ec and shop, or whatever politically correct terms are being used for them these days. However, it seems in most schools, those are required classes in middle school, which is too early for them to really be useful. They are offered as electives in high school, but people applying to selective colleges and/or trying to get an academic scholarship tend to avoid such classes, since they are not what colleges are looking for.
I USED to be a SAHM. It was before social media, so I didn't really have anyone to complain to. But there were times I really missed adult interaction, and missed having my own money.
But I LOVED getting to raise my babies, and doing fun stuff with them, and taking them places.
Let's also toss into the SAHM salad bowl, the fact that young mothers are hormonal, and if they're stay at home...there is no sounding board or anyone to talk off the edge. My ex got the brunt of that sometimes. Maybe it has something to do with us being exes. lol
Keep in mind that people (of both genders) who work don't always have anybody to vent to either. We are expected to always appear that we love our jobs if we want to keep them. Stay at home moms, on the other hand, can vent if they choose to without fear of getting fired. So maybe stay at home moms complain because they can.
OP, I think your guesses as to what's behind the complaining are reasonable, but I suspect that, as other posters have suggested, SAHMs don't really complain more than anyone else.
We humans have a tendency to focus on negative things rather than positive, whatever our circumstances.It's very easy to get caught in a my-life-is-worse trap when having conversations with others if one is not intentional about avoiding it. Afterall, who wants to be the person who "brags" about how good she has it when other moms are talking about their difficulties? I think there might also be an additional dynamic that in some circles it is fashionable to try to one-up people with how hard you have it, and my purely anecdotal observation is that this is more common among those who, to an outside observer, shouldn't have much to complain about.
For myself, I know being able to staying with my son is the best thing for him. Whil there are moments when I get really frustrated with some aspects of being a SAHM, i try to remind myself daily that it is a blessing that I am able to do so.
I also think (for both genders, and for both working people and stay at home parents) that our society is at the point where anybody who isn't miserable all the time is viewed as not working hard enough. I personally find it annoying hearing my colleagues (both genders, but mostly men, since I work in a male dominated industry) brag about how hungry they are from their diets, how much pain they are in from working out, how little they sleep, how many weeks or months they've gone without a day off, etc.
The 2 most important classes that anybody takes are home ec and shop, or whatever politically correct terms are being used for them these days. However, it seems in most schools, those are required classes in middle school, which is too early for them to really be useful. They are offered as electives in high school, but people applying to selective colleges and/or trying to get an academic scholarship tend to avoid such classes, since they are not what colleges are looking for.
Meh, this is a YMMV case. I took both in jr. high, and a full year of home ec in high school, and I don't enjoy or excel at any of the tasks those classes covered. I've never been any good at sewing, and I can cook and do basic home repair as needed, but it was all learned when I moved out on my own after college. Shop was mostly about making things out of wood with fancy saws I will never own. Home ec was cooking/sewing much more complex stuff than I've ever needed to tackle.
And we've all had basic math and reading, but how many of us still take our taxes to H&R block...
SAHM's often get stuck with a lot of boring, repetitive drudge work which is unfulfilling. While spending more time with the children can be fun and fulfilling, it can also be exhausting and demanding. Children in the home 24 hrs/day make a lot of messes and require a lot of constant attention! There may be a tendency for these marriages to be more traditional, where the husband never relieves her by taking on some of the childcare in the evening or on weekends. There may not be money for or a belief in using babysitters so she can get away at times.
If the wife is entitled to a break, then why is the husband not entitled to a break? If the husband does all of the parenting and housework tasks when he comes home, so the wife can have a break, when does the husband get his break?
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The happiest SAHMs I've known were rather affluent. They had housekeepers, babysitters as desired, tutors and music teachers for the children, gardeners, etc. In other words they didn't actually stay at home all the time, but rather simply didn't work. They spent a lot of time shopping!
While their husbands are working long hours, earning all of the money, often with a long commute. Why do so many affluent men willingly accept that lifestyle?
The ones I know who complain have husbands who go to work and that's their sole contribution to the household chores. The husband is working 40 hours and the wife is taking care of the baby about 100 hours a week, assuming the baby or kids sleep ten hours a night. She's doing laundry and shopping and cleaning, she's automatically the one who cares for the kids when they're sick even if she's sick too,
Keep in mind that most nominally 40 hour per week "professional" jobs expect far more than 40 hours per week. Also, keep in mind commuting time, which can be very significant in some areas, such as people who live on Long Island but work in New York City. Commuting time is the equivalent of the tedious, thankless jobs that stay at home mothers complain about. There could still be an imbalance, but not nearly as much as you are suggesting.
Having said all that, if there really is as much of an imbalance as you say there is, then the wives need to discuss it with their husbands.
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she never has a day off and the husband acts like she's suggested something obscene when she asks if he can keep an eye on the baby for two hours so she can shop for the week by herself.
When does the husband get his time off?
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And if she complains to the husband, he says, "Well, I go to work every day so you can sit home on your butt watching daytime tv and going to storytime at the library."
My sister and her husband are going through that. She's really burned out and it's time to start trying for baby #2, before her eggs get too old.
Again, I suspect that the imbalance isn't as much as your sister is suggesting. But if the imbalance really is that great, then she needs to discuss it with her husband.
I've seen this analysis, the assumptions it is based on are questionable. Allocating portions of salaries from CEO (!!!), accountant, doctor, chef, psychotherapist, admin assistant, etc.... and not entry-level salaries, but assuming a significant amount of dedicated professional experience. Working parents perform those tasks too for their kids and household, no one is proposing they get paid for it. And finally, who is it that should be paying the salary... oh yeah, whoever is benefiting from the work... so I guess if a person can get their spouse/kids to pay them $100K annually for their efforts, more power to them.
And that analysis ignores the fact that, whether rightfully or wrongfully, most professionals are paid a straight salary, regardless of hours worked.
When I worked full time, I vented to my co-workers and they vented to me. And there was pretty much always someone around to vent to. Even if it was just a discreet eye roll shared with a co-worker, you knew you weren't the only one. As a SAHM, I don't exactly have that. I don't want to vent to my husband who works all day but being home is sometimes really hard. I cry more in a week out of exhaustion and frustration than I ever did in the fifteen years I worked combined. But to myself because again, I don't want to put it on my husband and I don't get out with other SAHMs on a regular basis.
I worked full time until my oldest was three and had another child a couple of years later. As a working mom, I had no clue that being a SAHM is just as hard as working. The difficulties and/or guilt are still there, just redistributed. What I didn't have to worry about when I was working, I now do and vice versa. But people basically say to your face you do nothing all day, think your children are perfectly behaved, or your house stays pristine (HA! haahhahahahahahhahah HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!), and frankly you are lazy. They don't want to hear it because they "do it all AND work!".
Because of that I've learned to never vent about my "work" except to other SAHMs who get it. When I am with working moms I just smile and nod and if they make a rude comment about SAHMs (which always happens), just smile and nod. So maybe with your SAHM friends a month of venting is concentrated into a couple of hours at dinner rather than spread out over random five minute sessions over the course of a 40-hour work week so it appears to be more complaining when it is probably just fine.
I don't regret staying home and it is the best decision for my family but I truly believe parents, whether SAH, WFH, FT, etc ALL WORK HARD!
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