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Dr. Laura Schlessinger used to advocate for this on the radio. When callers would call in talking about their impending divorce plans (unbelievable that anyone was glutton for punishment enough to do that), she'd say in a helpful voice I think one of you should get an apartment nearby, and switch off times you stay there and stay in the main house with the children for visitation.
The person calling would unfailingly draw in air and say no, that would be horrible. Falling right in the trap.
Then she'd say that's what you're asking your kids to do.
Going back and forth is horrible for kids. They hate it. It's like you're never really "home", and you have to plan ahead what uniforms to take, what sports equipment, etc.
Nesting is much better for them. Everyone wants to have a home.
...
Bingo.
Several of our friends who did the joint custody thing with the kids going back and forth constantly have said that their grown kids stated they never felt like they were at home at either place, they always felt like visitors.
Neighbors were doing the joint custody thing for a year or so. Finally, the early teen kids said enough. We live at one house or the other, but not both. It's just too hard. They still visit and maintain a good relationship with their Mom, but they live with their Dad.
What often happens is that the more responsible parent takes care of the kids on a regular basis and the less responsible one often changes things at the last minute.
So the kids are packed and ready to go and then they end up staying because something "came up."
If something comes up with this arrangement, the children's lives don't change much. They still have the food they love in the refrigerator, their toys and gadgets available, etc.
If one of the spouses is abusive, this wouldn't work.
But if one just wants out, is having affair(s), or has just decided they no longer want to be married, then this sounds like an affordable solution with the least disruption for the kids.
As to the wife continuing to do all the cooking, clothes washing and cleaning, she doesn't have to. That's up to her.
She may end up cleaning the other space more than she wants, but she doesn't have to cook or wash clothes.
She doesn't even have to clean the other space. They can have an agreement on how the space is to be left or alternatively, she can insist that a housekeeper be hired to come through before her turn in each space.
Our friends did it for a year or so. They took turns staying in the family home. I don't know where the mom spend her time off. The dad would stay at a hotel. He bought a house after he got full custody due to the mother antics.
But it was a great way for the kids to stay in place while the adults got their issues resolved.
Katana, I'm really surprised by your attitude that divorce and switching houses is good for kids, especially older ones, so they will be disabused of any expectations that life will be good.
NOWHERE in my post did I say that divorce and switching houses is good for kids, thanks.
In the direct answer to the question posed.
Yes .
And did so.
My kids came first so for awhile we Co shared the home.
My kids were sad though when their dad finished his internship and moved to start his clinic. But that was his career goal ...so it was best for him to start fresh.
We were unconventional in our take of responsibility and raising our kids. Some rise above ..and improve .
There is zero desire though if there was abuse ..I wouldn't subject adults to continue ..
I actually don't even like the idea. Kids are not that fragile.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint
It seems like a silly, phoney set up to me. My siblings and I survived our parents' divorce easily and it was great to see them each creating the lives they wanted.
These sum up my opinion nicely. My parents divorced, I'm divorced, one sister is divorced, and various other people I know are divorced. None of the children involved were traumatized by the process.
Maybe it's just about parents who are vindictive, nasty, and like to make drama? How are they going to get along well enough to maintain a third house together then (basically)?
Children are not fine china. If you are honest and forthright with them, they understand what's going on. If you instill empathy in them, they can think of things outside their own mind and emotions. Sure, having mom or dad not there all the time anymore is sad, but that's going to happen no matter how many spare homes you get.
The world doesn't have to revolve around your kids in order for it to function. In fact, I kinda think it shouldn't. As a 10-12 year old whose parents just divorced, I would feel even worse if I knew they were shelling out the money and moving back and forth all the time just for me. Good grief.
These sum up my opinion nicely. My parents divorced, I'm divorced, one sister is divorced, and various other people I know are divorced. None of the children involved were traumatized by the process.
Maybe it's just about parents who are vindictive, nasty, and like to make drama? How are they going to get along well enough to maintain a third house together then (basically)?
Children are not fine china. If you are honest and forthright with them, they understand what's going on. If you instill empathy in them, they can think of things outside their own mind and emotions. Sure, having mom or dad not there all the time anymore is sad, but that's going to happen no matter how many spare homes you get.
The world doesn't have to revolve around your kids in order for it to function. In fact, I kinda think it shouldn't. As a 10-12 year old whose parents just divorced, I would feel even worse if I knew they were shelling out the money and moving back and forth all the time just for me. Good grief.
Shelling out money? It might actually be cheaper.
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