Help me get over this? (divorce, wife, son, married)

[joee5]

Daughters an adult so she needs to figure it out herself. It's hard to make everyone happy but easy to make a few happy.

[dblackga]

I'm so sorry your feelings are hurt. And yes, she did mislead you by insisting on homemade pumpkin pie -- let's face it, why else would she have asked for it if she didn't intend to eat it? Don't let her get away with that kind of mendacity. She stood you up for a holiday meal, and that was rude. Plans change, but it was rude not to let you know and then make you feel guilty to being taken aback. Adults don't do that, but self-absorbed kids do. I was facing somewhat the same thing with my daughter and her fiance' this year. We have always gone out to dinner and gone to evening Christmas Eve services, opened gifts Christmas morning and had a large dinner Christmas lunch. Fiance's mother is a widow, and he doesn't want her to be alone at Christmas -- nice, thoughtful son. Daughter was driving herself crazy trying to schedule everything so that we didn't get our feelings hurt. I finally offered to have our holiday dinner on Christmas Eve, and invited his mom to join us, leaving daughter free to join his family on Christmas Day. That's what they did, and they also ended up coming over Christmas morning to open gifts, we had a light brunch, and then they left before noon to spend the day with his family. And that was fine.

Things are changing with our adult kids -- they will soon be establishing families of their own and then traditions will have to bend to accommodate. I watched every single one of my parents' Christmases be completely controlled by my grandparents and the need to evenly split time between the two families, to the point of having to eat two HUGE Christmas dinners (one at lunch, one at supper) because God forbid either one of them have it the night before.

If you do bring it up, I think it's fair to be honest and calmly tell her, "When you asked for the pumpkin pie, that indicated to me that you were planning to share the Christmas meal with us, so yes, I was disappointed when you left so abruptly. It felt a little like you just came for gifts, and not to spend time with us." She knows she's in the wrong -- that's why she hasn't tried to talk to you since Christmas, because deep down, she knows she hurt your feelings -- but she also wanted to spend Christmas with boyfriend. Then drop it.

[txtqueen]

Originally Posted by Sundaydrive00

You were expecting your daughter to have Christmas dinner twice?

If next year's plan is to have Christmas dinner with the boyfriend's family again, then I think it is better to try to spend time with them in some other way. Since she spends the night and is there in the morning, it would make more since to have Christmas breakfast be the big meal you have with your daughter and her boyfriend.

Or try setting up a rotation where they have Christmas dinner with the boyfriend's family one year, and with your family the next. Just know that by having Christmas dinner, she might not be at your house to sleep over, wake up and open gifts. Christmas traditions change as the family changes.

My boyfriend and I used to hit up 3 dinners in one day and ate at all of them...
Now that we don’t live near family it’s only one but we used to have to go to my moms, his parents and then his sisters.

[Jerseyt719]

Originally Posted by txtqueen

My boyfriend and I used to hit up 3 dinners in one day and ate at all of them...
Now that we don’t live near family it’s only one but we used to have to go to my moms, his parents and then his sisters.

I pray you both wore sweatpants. Three dinners is a lot.

Thank you all for the advice. I am still learning as a parent. I completely agree with having it on another day. That’s just fine with me.

[AnotherTouchOfWhimsy]

Originally Posted by ClaraC

You need to do what my family has done.

You don't have to meet on Christmas Day, or Christmas Eve. You just can find a time to meet around the holidays. When is everyone available, can we schedule a night for that.

If she continues to be difficult, find a time for everyone else to meet and invite her there.

*shrugs* My whole extended family meets this time or that, we hope to all meet together, but it doesn't always work out. If you're lax about it, and not punitive, it tends to work out well.

This is what my maternal grandmother did once all of her children got married and started having children. Instead of getting together on the 24th or 25th, we got together the weekend before. It is also what I will likely offer to do once my kids are partnered up and definitely after they have children, if they do. Much more relaxing that way, nobody is trying to run out the door to make it to the next celebration, and children don't have to leave their new presents at home to go to Grandma's house.

[Tallie225]

How old is she?? Getting upset about pie?? anyway well I'm sure you were all about your boyfriends too...to be young and "in love"... Its a stage and it'll pass.
And if she's so "grown up", she can make the pie. Don't cater to her ...she sounds like a brat.

[Tallie225]

Originally Posted by Jerseyt719

I pray you both wore sweatpants. Three dinners is a lot.

Thank you all for the advice. I am still learning as a parent. I completely agree with having it on another day. That’s just fine with me.

Learning as a parent? All you have to do is think back to how you possibly used to act as a young adult. All about their bfs, not wanting to be around their parent's anymore...it sucks and it hurts but it'll pass. It's a phase. Just tell her next year she can make her own pie. Don't cater to her being a brat.

[VexedAndSolitary]

You seem overly sensitive and needy. Your daughter spent part of the holiday with you and part with her BF's Mother. That seems reasonable to me.

Had they blown you off entirely I could see why you may be bothered but that isn't what you herein recount.

Why you would make an issue where none really exists indicates your hypersensitivity to perceived slights; you must have had a terribly easy life if you see this silly incident as an actual problem to be addressed.

Perhaps your neediness is off putting to your daughter.

[Irish Eyes]

You are not overly sensitive or needy. Arriving in the middle of the night and leaving at by noon isn't "spending Christmas with you". And if it's so natural for kids to no longer want to spend time with their families on holidays when they get a girlfriend/boyfriend, why is her boyfriend spending all this time with his family???

Would you prefer to change it to another day or have a set meal time for Christmas Day, either brunch or early dinner? I would think about what you're okay with and what doesn't work for you and then talk to her about the options. What's done is done, I wouldn't discuss it too much because it gives her the chance to say you're overreacting or whatever. I would just focus on the future plans and tell her what will and won't work for you. In our family when my siblings started getting married we alternated Thanksgiving years and still split up Christmas. When they started having children and it was too much to get the kids out of the house we moved it to either the week before or the week after Christmas and it has worked beautifully. Those kids who were too hard to get out on Christmas morning are now graduating college and having their own children and still never miss the big celebration, so it really served us well to be flexible. I think it may be too early in their relationship to do that though?

Does she still live with you? If not I wouldn't be up for them arriving at 1 am. I can understand you feeling used and would say just spend the night wherever you were until then. Did she even eat the damn pie or did they take it with them?

[Clemencia53]

yes - unreasonable.