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Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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I have a very dear friend who is struggling with infertility right now. I never really know what to say to comfort her. I just don't think things like, "if it's meant to be, it'll happen" or offering advice on different treatments is helpful. I hear people tell her these things and I don't think it helpful. I'd just like to make her feel better.
I have a very dear friend who is struggling with infertility right now. I never really know what to say to comfort her. I just don't think things like, "if it's meant to be, it'll happen" or offering advice on different treatments is helpful. I hear people tell her these things and I don't think it helpful. I'd just like to make her feel better.
Any suggestions?
I have 2 really close friends that have been trying for over 3 yrs.
One has done IVF twice and the last time the doctor told her SHE didnt produce enough eggs and doing IVF a third time would be a waste of money, time and would mess with her emotional well being. After lot's of crying she decided to take a break, only to see our other friend do IVF and get pregnant with twins. To say she was devastated is an understatement, although she is VERY happy for that friend, it reminded her of her failed attempts.
At first we did the whole pep talk, it would happen in time, blah blah blah, technology this and that. And finally one day I simply let her cry her eyes out, say everything she was feeling; guilt for not giving her husband a baby, something he talked about from the day they started dating; guilt for waiting so long; guilt for things she couldve done in her earlier years that contributed to her being unable to reproduce;guilt at seeing others with their babies; pain of missing out on being pregnant and the whole experience. THE THINGS SHE BLURTED out silenced me for a good long time, because truth is, we THINK we are saying the right things to people but she truly dont know what they are feeling.... we just have to let them go thru the motions. After a long while, all i could say was that her having a baby didnt define who she was, she is an AMAZING aunt to the kids in the family, a great fun cousin to the little ones and I reminded her of those things. I am sure it doesnt take away or soothe her longing, but at least it gives her a bit of peace knowing that being a MOM shouldnt be what defines her....but being a wonderful person is. I then offered my eggs IF she wanted to experience a pregnancy etc. Hey, anything we can do right?
Infertility is something that depends on your physical condition, age, and timing. I have 3 kids and the 1st one was easy. We tried to time it and worked. 2nd one, took a little more effort and with a little luck it happened. Then the 3rd was longer, did try for awhile and gave up. I thought infertility was happening to one of us but not sure if it's diet or age. Then after we gave up trying it just happened. Our doctor said sometimes when you don't try it and just let it go then it happens.
At least for me when dealing with a miscarriage, words of encouragement were the last thing I wanted to hear. I suspect just asking her if she wants to talk about it and letting her know that it is OK to be angry about it. I never really knew how I felt & still have a hard time with baby showers and newborn celebrations because I missed out on that aspect of parenting. I'm grateful I'm a parent and focus on what I do have, but fertility is so taken for granted that it can be hard to deal with when it doesn't come easily for you.
In my 20's I had a miscarriage that started at work and I was further along in that pregnancy than I usually was. I had a coworker who was pregnant and incapable of minding her own business, so I told her the exact reason why I was departing work suddenly to go to the dr. When I came back to the office around 7pm to wrap up somethings, she was "working late" and wanted to know the status. She immediately had a solution to make me feel better and that is was I should be angry and jealous at her for being pregnant. She then went on and rattled off a rather detailed list of passive aggressive behaviors I could engage in towards her and she wouldn't mind the least. She went on and said that's what she did to a coworker after she miscarried, so she knew that it was therapeutic. Something about the serenity of her offer, her complete social cluelessness and the idea that I was allowed to be angry did make me feel better.
Let her talk and cry - if she wants to. The most you can do is be there and listen and let her know that her feelings are normal and OK. Infertility is a process of grieving some dearly held dreams (if you give up) or a time that can be several years of stress and anxiety chasing the baby carrot.
The worst things close friends said to me after miscarriages:
1) at least you didn’t lose a real baby
2) don’t feel you need to tell me about your next pregnancy
3) kids are such hard work, you’re better off without them
The common ground is that all three statements are dismissive of my feelings, need for emotional support, and dreams for the future.
I’m one of the lucky ones, I finally got my miracle baby. You know what they say, the sixth time is the charm!
My wife and I lost two, and then she got cervical cancer.
No words would have helped, nor could they have.
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