to those struggling with infertility: what words of comfort helped you the most?

[emm74]

Originally Posted by jcp123

Yup. I noted earlier that our first child was conceived about two weeks after she quit BC. When it came time for baby #2, it wasn’t so easy. My wife was getting really stressed. We agreed to just stop thinking about it and have fun, and that’s when the bun finally arrived in the oven.

Secondary infertility is a very real phenomenon, and in some ways perhaps even more mystifying and frustrating if someone got pregnant fairly easily the first time

[g500]

My wife and I have tried for years. I'm 27 and she is 25. We've been married 6 years. From what I learned in school, I had always assumed that getting pregnant was instantaneous, a once and done matter. Like firing a gun at a target. I couldn't have been more wrong in that assumption.

My wife struggles a lot with our infertility. I comfort her as best I can by telling her it isn't her fault. That seems to help her the most. We haven't done any testing yet due to my recurring joblessness (she has never worked). It definitely makes me feel weak and somewhat less of a man. I guess I sort of tell myself that we are doing the best we can.

Makes me wonder how there are 7 billion+ people on earth when infertility plagues so many couples. Considering all the other obstacles to having a child.

[Katarina Witt]

Sitting in the doctor's office waiting to be called back, I read this thread and some posts just made me cringe, to wit:

Originally Posted by jcp123

I’m speaking a bit out of turn here, but my wife and I tried for more than a year for our second child (this after a surprise first). What really helped us was to not focus on babymaking, and instead just having fun while nature took its course. We both de-stressed a lot, and gone were the fertility schedules, pressures, and the work. We ended up with great bedroom time and another child.

That is absolutely the worst thing you can say to anyone who is trying. If they've been trying for more than about two months, and they've told anyone, they've heard it. Too many times. Having gone through this myself, I got tired of being told I was crazy. One day I really lashed out at a co-worker who said that. (Actually, she said I was too hyper about it.) It wasn't really fair of me, many others had said the same thing, but she just got me at the wrong time. And she had no trouble getting pregnant, actually had a child as a teen mom! The reading I did at the time (about 40 years ago) said that anxiety was more likely to be caused by infertility, rather than the cause of it.

Originally Posted by jcp123

Yup. I noted earlier that our first child was conceived about two weeks after she quit BC. When it came time for baby #2, it wasn’t so easy. My wife was getting really stressed. We agreed to just stop thinking about it and have fun, and that’s when the bun finally arrived in the oven.

And you had to repeat it! In our extended family, a member of the current generation adopted a baby after about 10 years of trying, miscarriages from IVF, etc. Her MIL and I were talking about this corollary to what you said, that if you adopt, you'll get pregnant. We both agreed, if she couldn't get pregnant "naturally" at 30, she wasn't likely to at 40.

More to follow tomorrow when I'm not so tired.