Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I never co slept with any of my kids. All four of my biological kids were breastfed when they were infants though and occasionally when they were very young infants, I might fall asleep with them in my bed, but since they all slept through the night quickly anyway, those nights were exceptions. And no, I didn't sleep well on those nights either so it wasn't a win win.
My darling husband was married before, and he and his now ex wife had one son. From the moment he was born till the day my husband left his wife, that boy slept in their bed (my husband and his ex wife got divorced when their son was 7). This was one of the very first things he told me eroded their marriage, so it was a pretty big deal to him.
Fast forward to high school football games, and his mother was showing up wearing his letter jacket (the son) and kissing him on the lips after every game, on the field.
Fast forward to now and the son is 27. He is still living with his mother, and has now accrued a criminal record, and isn't working regularly though he had someone else pay for five years of college and a college degree for himself. He is absolutely and horribly co dependent.
I am not saying that co sleeping caused this - I'm saying in his case, it was yet another symptom of his mommy being an enabler and coddling him.
From the moment he was born, her husband became secondary and her son became the focus of her attention, her life in general. My husband loved to travel and take road trips and vacations. He was also really big into date nights (he passed away unexpectedly a few months ago, hence the past tense). He told me that in addition to having his son sleep in between them every single night, suddenly his wife, who has a mother and several sisters and numerous friends living in close proximity to her, refused to ever get a babysitter, or leave their son with his relatives (who offered repeatedly) and from the moment his son was born, that was the absolute and sudden (and unexpected) end of all outings unless their son was with them.
So yeah, I don't feel like what the OP is describing is healthy.
Soo agree with you! Tried to rep you again. LOL I believe when a spouse doesn't put their spouse first before the kids, mother, etc., it's not going to end well. I've seen this in a few couples we know.
Also wanted to let you know how sorry I am about the loss of your husband. You've been through so much and keep on going. You're a strong woman.
Hey all, thanks for letting me bend your ear. I need some objective input on whether or not our situation with our kids is as absolutely ridiculous as I think it is, or whether it just is what it is and I/We just have to stick it out.
Situation: we have two kids, 7 girl and a near 5 year old boy. With our first, my wife fought hard to co-sleep. I was curious how it would work, and it did sound nice and a sweet thing to have. That evolved relatively quickly into them sleeping together and me sleeping in another room. Occasionally my wife and I would go to sleep together but then she would go to sleep with our daughter when she woke up, for the rest of the night. This went on until our son was born, 2 years later. Then my wife slept with both of them. My wife asked me to join them, i tried but there was very little room in the bed and we were all getting bad sleep. That evolved into me co-sleeping with my daughter in one room while my wife slept with our son.
Variations of this have gone on now for 7 years. My wife has been sleeping with one or both of them for 7 years. And she and I have very rarely had a full night's sleep together in the same bed in those 7 years. It sounds silly to type that out, but bare with me.
A typical night these days (like tonight's bed time) we went in with the kids to their room with twin beds. I laid with our son and read him three books and tickled his back. Meanwhile my wife laid with our daughter... three books, back tickle. My son then wanted mommy to lay with him, so we swapped, she laid with him and I laid with my daughter. This was about a 50 minute process until they fell asleep (typical). Then when my son inevitably wakes up after sleeping for 1.5 hours (like clock work) my wife goes in with him for the rest of the night. And I'm in our king bed solo.
My wife very rarely gets a good night sleep, again sleeping on a twin bed with a 5 year old boy, so she seems cranky quite a bit. I never say anything because it never goes over well.
My wife initially pushed hard for co-sleeping because it would "reduce anxiety" as they get older, among other things. But at this point it seems it has done the exact opposite.
I want to talk to my wife about it, but want to get some idea of whether this is just crazy, or it's what we signed up for?
Thoughts?
When my oldest son was about 4 he wanted to sleep in our room, but we didn't want him to. One night we found he had taken the mattress from his bed and dragged it to the doorway to our room and noticed him sleeping outside our door in the morning. This went on for about three years. He was happy with the situation and so were we. One morning we discovered his younger brother had dragged his mattress from his crib and was sleeping at the end of his brother's bed. Again we were fine with the two mattresses outside our room. Problem solved for all.
They went on to returning to their own beds and have never had a problem sleeping.
I don't have much advice for you. My oldest decided when she went to kindergarten that she was old enough to sleep by herself and most importantly FALL asleep by herself. Good thing, because it wasn't long before her father was home less and less and we eventually divorced. She is 24 now and a world class sleeper. She can sleep any day, any time, any where, for as long as possible.
I think my younger had some kind of sleep disorder. Even as a baby. She never napped, and had a devil of a time falling asleep. I tried every trick in the book. I had to lay in the bed with her until she fell asleep, then she woke up after about 1.5 hours and would come get in bed with me. Eventually I realized I was too tired to fight it any more and started putting her to sleep in my bed.
We had a divorce, and a move, then a bigger move to a different state. She slept with me until she was in middle school. I was too guilty to fight her on it. My boyfriend unknowingly made a joke about sleeping with mom, she was so embarrassed she went cold turkey and never slept with me again. Her sleep challenges continued...we thought she might be bipolar because she would have periods where she couldn't sleep followed by extreme lows where she slept constantly. She is 21 now and her moods have stabilized thanks to being on birth control pills. Her sleep has stabilized as well and she sleeps like a normal young adult, which is to say a fair amount. She sometimes has trouble falling asleep but she does have ADD and is on meds for that.
I'm not suggesting that the OP put his daughter on birth control pills just yet (haha).
But there will be organic opportunities to change up the routine without much fuss, wait for them rather than try to force change.
I would give so much to have that sleeping kid kick me in the kidneys just one more time. I don't have regrets. I will say that the co sleeping put a dent in our marital intimacy but that dirt bag cheated on me so I don't regret getting divorced.
I coslept with my 6 year old until he weaned and moved to a big boy bed from a crib. It was new and exciting to have a big bed all to himself that he filled with stuffed animals.
This is pretty much how I understand it's supposed to work. OP, co-sleeping isn't supposed to be an indefinite thing. The kids are supposed to transition out of it, like how they transition from a crib to a big-kids' bed. It's great for that added security and bonding when they're small, but at some point, they should want to be on their own, or should be encouraged to be on their own.
What happens as your son gets toward "tween" age? Still sleeping with mommy? Hello? Potential issues.......!
Besides, co-sleeping isn't supposed to adversely affect your marriage, not to mention your quality of sleep, and therefore--your health.
Perhaps you could start by having each child choose one night of the week when they can co-sleep with their parent-of-choice, and the remaining nights they'll be on their own.
You know the answer. This is not working. 50 minutes to get to bed. Trust your instinct. There is plenty of research on both sides on the Internet. But if this is not working for you, then it’s not working. I know quite a lot of moms, friends, have around 40 nephews and nieces. None of them ever co slept with their kids.
Outside some good friends who are Japanese I don't know any couple who has co-slept either.
The difference is THAT its for transitioning from Infants to toddler to pre kindercare.
NOT the ones who are of school age and teens.
Most tribal cultures did it for survival- Cold winters, Keeping the members from being harmed by animals or nature. Some rules still applied though for the matriarchs/patriarchs. Being huddled in close quarters didn't include body to body contact. Usually tree limbs, rocks , or leaf patches separated the kins.
As to this modern day civilized matter of sharing close quarters during sleep time. One has to still provide autonomy . That is Usually commenced around age two and upwards. ( yes the terrible twos is the beginning of children EXPRESSING their own need to self identify their wants and needs). The Mrs is impeding upon that right of passage if she is not encouraging such autonomy. Halting such is going to stunt the progress of other phases and adjustments.
I'd encourage at this time a third party of professional resource to sit down with you both and as ADULTS make a decision that Keeps the best interest of ALL in the forefront. The marriage, The family unit and the childs development in tact.
on a personal note- I find kids to be little ninjas during sleep- the leg kicks , the arms bopping me in the head when resting near them to be discouragement enough! Let alone the early morning Moosh the face or pull your eye lids open and say "you awake yet?", to be a bit silly! Of course I'm awake if you pull that stunt! LOL!!!
"Co-Sleeping after 7 years backfire? What am I missing?"
That it is a bad and unhealthy idea that ruins adults nights and make everyone miserable? And of course destroys adult relationships?
I don't know if this is scientifically confirmed but at least my kids constantly toss and turn when they sleep. So sleeping with them for the whole night guarantees a terrible sleep quality for adults.
Yes it occasionally take a struggle to convince kids to sleep by themselves. But if done correctly and if parents never even mention sleeping in one bed as a possibility, kids get used to sleeping by themselves...
In the past (and maybe even today in poor countries or households), if you lived in a one-room apartment or whatever and maybe even only had one bed, I would assume the parents had sex in front of the kids. Is this true or false?
Kids were only allowed in our bed if they had a nightmare. Even then they decided that it was too crowded and left. The point is, the adult bed is for adults, the kid's beds are for kids, and that's where everyone should end up. Marriages are not supposed to have a kid between them, that's how marriages end, using a kid like a wall between partners who need intimacy, including emotional intimacy, by doing things such as talking at the dinner table all about how the kid's days went, without the adult emphasis of emotional intimacy about how the parents day went! The parents are hopefully partners first...I dare say parents second.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
