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So I never imagined I’d be in this place in my life and would appreciate any advice. My daughter has never wanted a relationship until now and this boy is emotionally abusive. He’s beaten her down so much that she begs and pleads when he says he’s “done with her”. But he never really does break up with her. It’s such a sick cycle and she always has an excuse for him. Things got so bad she had to be hospitalized and so did he. But now they are talking again . She want listen to me or her best friend. I’ve told him to stay away but he has no respect for me and insists he has every right to see her. He’s 17, she’s 16. I called the police, they called him and told him to have no contact with my daughter or me. But I know the day will come where he will. I’m actually a bit afraid, he has anger issues and hates mothers. There’s no dad in the picture or family member and he knows that. I’m thinking of filing a restraining order. Thoughts? Thank you
Things got so bad she had to be hospitalized and so did he.
I’ve told him to stay away but he has no respect for me and insists he has every right to see her. He’s 17, she’s 16.
I called the police, they called him and told him to have no contact with my daughter or me.
I’m thinking of filing a restraining order. Thoughts? Thank you
Perhaps this should be in the parenting forum?
Not sure why they were both hospitalized, but from the above description one gains the impression that you are dealing with criminal behavior.
You probably could file for a restraining order without the aid of an attorney, but consider consulting one.
In any case, a restraining order may not be enough, so - and I hate to say this - but also consider legally acquiring and learning how to use a firearm for defensive purposes.
But, again, consider first consulting an attorney to learn your legal rights and recourse in this situation. We have no idea what jurisdiction you live in and what the state and local laws may be.
If the police called him and told him to stay away, it sounds like you have grounds for a restraining order. If you have any documentation of that police call, save it to show a judge, or ask the officer to attend your request for the restraining order.
Now the question is, why does she have such low self-esteem, that she falls for this bullying and abuse? What is her relationship with her dad like? Has he been present in her life, and a positive influence? Has he been an involved dad, reinforcing her positive qualities, and being supportive of her achievements and dreams? That's so important for girls.
You might consider counseling for her. Whether she'd agree to it may depend on how the idea is presented. You can do an internet search for counselors/therapists in your area, who specialize in relationship issues, teen relationship problems, and the like. If you can't afford to pay, check your health insurance coverage, to see what type of practitioners they pay for (some only pay for PhD's in psychotherapy, for example). Simple reading the websites of a few practitioners could be an educational experience in itself.
So I never imagined I’d be in this place in my life and would appreciate any advice. My daughter has never wanted a relationship until now and this boy is emotionally abusive. He’s beaten her down so much that she begs and pleads when he says he’s “done with her”. But he never really does break up with her. It’s such a sick cycle and she always has an excuse for him. Things got so bad she had to be hospitalized and so did he. But now they are talking again . She want listen to me or her best friend. I’ve told him to stay away but he has no respect for me and insists he has every right to see her. He’s 17, she’s 16. I called the police, they called him and told him to have no contact with my daughter or me. But I know the day will come where he will. I’m actually a bit afraid, he has anger issues and hates mothers. There’s no dad in the picture or family member and he knows that. I’m thinking of filing a restraining order. Thoughts? Thank you
Filing a restraining order and documenting *everything* might be helpful and you need do do both, but if your daughter continues to go with the "but I love him, deserve the abuse, and am willing to put up with it in order to get any emotional scraps that he doles out" line of thinking that is so common with victims of abuse there's little that you can do. This is how women end up trapped in cycles of abuse.
First love can be sweet and can be painful, but in cases like you describe, they can turn harmful if not downright deadly. If you don't mind me asking, what lead to their dual hospitalizations? You didn't mention physical abuse, so was it an eating disorder, suicide pact, or overdoses that lead to them being hospitalized? Mental breakdowns with threats of self-harm?
Are you able to reach out to this guy's parents or is he the product of a sorry upbringing? If they're decent parents, perhaps there's a way that you could enlist their aid in some way.
Also, has this boyfriend managed to isolate her from her friends?
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 10-05-2020 at 12:05 PM..
Thanks for the quick responses and I should have put this on parenting...I’m new here...but I want to answer your questions.
1-He was breaking up with my D via text (3rd time in a week) and she was trying to convince him not to.
A little background-they met in December and apparently he was head over heels for her but to her he was just another boy, so she continued to talk and hang out with her friends and other boys. He overwhelmed her with texts and such so she “broke up” with him on Valentine’s Day. She never saw it as an exclusive thing because one, he never said anything about being exclusive and she didn’t see it as serious.
Fast forward a few months and now she is starting to really like him. Things get more exclusive but he says he’s not going to “ask her out” until he gets a car-that could be a year from now. During their discussions he starts asking specifically about the past and she tells him how she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship...and that she was still “dating” other boys but not seriously. Since then he got all her Social Media passwords, made her account for where she is 24/7 and talks down to her as well as guilt tripping her on how she ruined him-that he gave her his heart but she destroyed it and now this is what he’s become. So she feels guilty, more and more and he goes through the cycle of being nice and then out of the blue says he can’t get it out of his mind and just tortures her. Even though they weren’t officially exclusive.
Now, he’s been doing that for about 3 months and going back to the phone call, he was berating her in the worst way. Then he says he’ll get her an Uber so they can talk about it. She asked me and I said absolutely not. She decided not to go but told me she wanted to go inpatient because she’d been Seriously depressed for a while. He told her a few days ago he was drinking and so sorry... he got in a fight with his mom and she called the police...then he was taken to a hospital-he told my daughter she was lucky he didn’t go through with “it”.
2-No father consistently in her life since she was 2. He’s a narcissist.
3-My kids and I have been in therapy for the past 5 years. Abandonment issues are obvious and they run deep.
She’s so smart and beautiful it just pains me to no end that this happened to her. I tried so hard over the years to minimize the fallout but it still hurt both my kids deeply.
2-No father consistently in her life since she was 2. He’s a narcissist.
3-My kids and I have been in therapy for the past 5 years. Abandonment issues are obvious and they run deep.
She’s so smart and beautiful it just pains me to no end that this happened to her. I tried so hard over the years to minimize the fallout but it still hurt both my kids deeply.
I'm so sorry to hear about this, OP. But it sounds like you've been doing everything you can. Have you all been in therapy together, or separately? She needs a therapist who can resolve the abandonment issues and perhaps any sense of trauma that may be lingering--a really skilled therapist. One that rolls up their sleeves and gets down to business, not one that treats patients as cash cows, and just lets them blather on for an hour each session. She needs a therapist that will assign "homework", and has techniques that will help the patient heal.
At least she seems to listen to you, some of the time. Have you tried sitting her down, and having a supportive heart-to-heart talk, to convey the message that "this relationship is not working", and "this isn't what love looks like"? "Love shouldn't hurt" and those kinds of messages? Also, you could lovingly introduce the idea, that the cause of her depression "lately", is him, and how he treats her. Aim to provide brief moments of lucidity for her, an "aha!" moment, for her to reflect on.
She begs the abuser to come back/not to break up with her. Yeah, abandonment issues big time. You need to find a better therapist for her.
edit: And btw, it sounds like he may be threatening her with suicide. She needs to know, that's a highly manipulative tactic. The threat isn't "real"; it's just being used against her. She's with a highly manipulative individual.
No he doesn't. He has no right to come on your property.
Your daughter is still a minor. All you're legally required to do is provide her with food, a mattress, a toothbrush, a roof over her head, and get her ass to school.
Take away everything. Her ipod, her car, her computer, everything. Wake her ass up.
No he doesn't. He has no right to come on your property.
Your daughter is still a minor. All you're legally required to do is provide her with food, a mattress, a toothbrush, a roof over her head, and get her ass to school.
Take away everything. Her ipod, her car, her computer, everything. Wake her ass up.
^^^ This. Until she is 18, or legally emancipated, you are responsible for her. Go to your local police station with her. File a report about his behavior. File for a restraining order - for you, for him coming on your property. He needs to be stopped and she needs to know why.
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. She want listen to me or her best friend. I’ve told him to stay away but he has no respect for me and insists he has every right to see her. He’s 17, she’s 16. I called the police, they called him and told him to have no contact with my daughter or me. But I know the day will come where he will. I’m actually a bit afraid, he has anger issues and hates mothers. There’s no dad in the picture or family member and he knows that. I’m thinking of filing a restraining order. Thoughts? Thank you 
