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I hear all the time, good parenting could have made that young person a better person ready for the world but even with a two parent household, it still might not come out right, my son was raised with good values in a small military family still active duty and still can't get it right, was in the air force force a little over 2 years and was dismissed for minor misconduct is how it was characterized on his discharge papers (DD214), comes home to live with his family and still I think may have been dismissed from a school he recently started because he couldn't be on time(lacks responsibility), as the man of the house(retired military) and wife still active duty, it is very discouraging that the foundation that has been laid for this young man has potentially done nothing, I'm just not sure where to turn at this point because I have done all I could, any advice?? Thanks!
he has now turned 21 as of a few weeks ago
When he went into the air force, I got him ready mentally, morally, and physically, even the school that he just started attending early march, I coordinated that and it seems it was a waste of time, wasn't even a hard school, just a trade school that he was using his GI Bill for so everything was paid for and he was to get a monthly stipend, where did I go wrong??
Location: IN>Germany>ND>OH>TX>CA>Currently NoVa and a Vacation Lake House in PA
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I can't say what was done wrong if anything, but I can tell you this one thing. Going forward, you need to set expectations and then hold him accountable should he not meet them. He's a young man now, and he needs to start acting like one. Make sure you do not enable his behavior going forward, and if you have to throw him out of the house so be it. Make sure your wife is on board though, or you'll have a rough time with this.
Some will suggest family counseling, and I'm not against it. But the second your therapist starts asking you to accommodate his behavior, I'd find another one.
No therapy, and the wife is not on board, babies him up too much unfortunately. Thanks for the suggestion though, i am told he needs to make up the hours from yesterday as he was sent home because he didn't make it to class on time to his 8 hour class, just discouraging!
I hear all the time, good parenting could have made that young person a better person ready for the world but even with a two parent household, it still might not come out right, my son was raised with good values in a small military family still active duty and still can't get it right, was in the air force force a little over 2 years and was dismissed for minor misconduct is how it was characterized on his discharge papers (DD214), comes home to live with his family and still I think may have been dismissed from a school he recently started because he couldn't be on time(lacks responsibility), as the man of the house(retired military) and wife still active duty, it is very discouraging that the foundation that has been laid for this young man has potentially done nothing, I'm just not sure where to turn at this point because I have done all I could, any advice?? Thanks!
he has now turned 21 as of a few weeks ago
When he went into the air force, I got him ready mentally, morally, and physically, even the school that he just started attending early march, I coordinated that and it seems it was a waste of time, wasn't even a hard school, just a trade school that he was using his GI Bill for so everything was paid for and he was to get a monthly stipend, where did I go wrong??
No therapy, and the wife is not on board, babies him up too much unfortunately. Thanks for the suggestion though, i am told he needs to make up the hours from yesterday as he was sent home because he didn't make it to class on time to his 8 hour class, just discouraging!
There's your answer, your wife. And no, I am not being sarcastic. I'm serious. Seen it plenty of times in families.
I doubt if you did anything wrong. You are not responsible for the actions of your adult son.
Are you ready for tough love? Set expectations; you are in school or you have a job. If you can't do that, go sleep on a friend's couch.
Actually it seems a lot like the OP guided his sons interest and future way too much to the point his son didn’t follow his own dreams and goals and followed his fathers instead. If your heart isn’t in something though it’ll never work out.
What does the son want to do with his life? Maybe those goals a dreams should have been supported growing up over the son following in his parents military footsteps.
It sounds like the son doesn’t give a flying fighter jet about being in the military, sounds like that isn’t his passion or his goals for himself in life. School may not be that path either.
I’ve dropped out of college twice, once was just recently (spring 2020) and I’m following my own dreams and my own path, building my own career and it drives my mom crazy.
Everytime we talk on the phone she tells me I need to find a “real job” with benefits that’s “safe” and she tells me all the time I need to start settling down and finding a rich man who can take care of me. Except once I have my pilots license I can make $500 or more in a day flying jump planes and I’d always have the option of flying commercial planes if I chose to.
The life she wants for me and the life I want for myself are two totally different things. She’d be extremely happy if I worked in some cushy office dressing all dainty and sweet, doing menial tasks all day and meeting a guy who will take care of my every need and supporting me until one of us died. I wouldn’t be happy at all with that. I can tell you now my life wouldn’t feel fulfilled enough for me to be remotely happy.
I want to be the rich man in my life and any guy I’m with or marry will just be a happy addition to my life, not someone I rely on.
Maybe the OPs son has no interest in being in the military, maybe he has no interest in school. It’s sounds like his interest and goals were never nurtured and supported and he simply followed his fathers path because he felt like he was supposed to. Try supporting his goals and it might work out for you better.
There are plenty of jobs and careers out there that don’t require college and don’t require being in the military.
OP: Take him to a dropzone, sounds like he needs an engaging career path that isn’t boring and doesn’t suck.
You can train and get certified to pack parachutes, you can go thru a course to become a master rigger and maintain/fix equipment and repack reserves, you can become an instructor and teach people how to skydive, you can train and take a course so you can do tandem jumps. You can get a pilots license and make over $500/day 5days in a row every single week being a jump pilot.
This is just one of the many career paths that doesn’t require school or the military.
This whole thread is why you don’t live vicariously through your children and push them down paths they don’t give two craps about because this happens. It doesn’t work out and then your children resent you for not supporting their dreams.
she (Mom) tells me all the time I need to start settling down and finding a rich man who can take care of me.
(snip).
Wow, are some mothers still doing that?
I grow up in the 50s and 60s and my mother would emphasize how important it was for women to have their own careers and be able to support themselves (and their children, if they decided to have children).
I doubt if you did anything wrong. You are not responsible for the actions of your adult son.
Are you ready for tough love? Set expectations; you are in school or you have a job. If you can't do that, go sleep on a friend's couch.
^^^^This.
If you could have done better, you would have done better. It is sink or swim time for your son. I’m betting he will rise to it if he’s forced to. It sounds like you gave him a good upbringing, but give him a time table to launch, or he might be still there when he’s 40.
I grow up in the 50s and 60s and my mother would emphasize how important it was for women to have their own careers and be able to support themselves (and their children, if they decided to have children).
She does try and get me to find a “better” job but ultimately yeah she seems to want me to find someone who’s going to end up paying most the bills while I don’t work a whole bunch. Which isn’t the life for me. I’m all about being self sufficient and maintaining my independence. I love my career and the idea of being a pilot one day. I have big dreams for myself and I can’t chase those if I resign myself to simply being someone’s wife and nothing more.
I want someone who’s in my field who wants to work and travel with me and start a family and have little dropzone babies who grow up with a “village” of people in their lives. Some of the coolest kids I know have basically grown up at a dropzone around skydivers.
I’m excited for my future even if she isn’t, I’m excited to be the rich man in my life, I’m excited to travel and adventure and meet someone who wants the same things in life.
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