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Several great posts in here OP! Read them all and ponder. Sometimes we discredit an idea because we don't think it is true, and then upon closer examination we have to admit it actually is true afterall....
It's wonderful that you emailed your oldest. That was facing it head on! Keep doing that and this will eventually sort itself out.
I would think back to when the second daughter was born. Life got harder for you, and you started expecting more of the firstborn because of that. But that doesn't mean that she is inherently stronger, it just means that demands were put on her to be so. It happens to every sibling when the next one comes along.
Yes, and I wonder if the OP’s avoiding issues has resulted in the older daughter not asking things directly. She may feel her more indirect approach will avoid conflict. I think that a more direct approach would work for both the OP and the daughter.
I'm most certainly not going to give up on my family.
We can and do have separate vacations. Youngest went to Ireland with me for a week before Covid and we did just fine together.
Oldest has been working at a summer camp for 6 years in a row (minus one year for covid) and is therefore unavailable to go on vacations. Twice I went to visit her at camp and both times she was sick and exhausted and too tired to do anything fun. This is all by her choice. she is unsure about returning to camp this summer as she is a bit burned out on it and has missed out on so much family time as a result. She just doesn't seem to know how to find a balance between burning the candle at both ends at work and enjoying her down time.
Oldest has invited me to chaperone a school trip to London next year and I'm taking her up on it. The trip is highly structured so there will be no chances for us to disagree on what to do next. I will have some time on my own while the students are in workshops but I will be able to be a helpful chaperone most of the time. I think that will be a good trip for us.
I am taking youngest to Italy as soon as covid allows.
We have no other plans to vacation together on the horizon but I'm never going to stop trying to keep my little family together.
OP, do you live in Europe? I can't imagine how else a single mom would be able to take daughters each on separate European vacations.
OP, do you live in Europe? I can't imagine how else a single mom would be able to take daughters each on separate European vacations.
One is a school trip that the older daughter is taking with some of her students, so I don’t think the OP is paying for that one or if she is paying, it would just be some fees not covered for her own fare.
I'm most certainly not going to give up on my family.
We can and do have separate vacations. Youngest went to Ireland with me for a week before Covid and we did just fine together.
Oldest has been working at a summer camp for 6 years in a row (minus one year for covid) and is therefore unavailable to go on vacations. Twice I went to visit her at camp and both times she was sick and exhausted and too tired to do anything fun. This is all by her choice. she is unsure about returning to camp this summer as she is a bit burned out on it and has missed out on so much family time as a result. She just doesn't seem to know how to find a balance between burning the candle at both ends at work and enjoying her down time.
Oldest has invited me to chaperone a school trip to London next year and I'm taking her up on it. The trip is highly structured so there will be no chances for us to disagree on what to do next. I will have some time on my own while the students are in workshops but I will be able to be a helpful chaperone most of the time. I think that will be a good trip for us.
I am taking youngest to Italy as soon as covid allows.
We have no other plans to vacation together on the horizon but I'm never going to stop trying to keep my little family together.
Soooo, the youngest daughter goes on trips with you overseas but the eldest is axed out because she works during the summer? And she can only get you alone if she invites you to a trip connected to a school event?
A few things I've noticed about your posts: one, you do make excuses for your youngest child. She caused an immense amount of chaos and turmoil not that long ago and now that she is doing better, you seem more able to sweep the aftershocks her behaviors caused and may still be causing, under the rug. Two, you blame all of your eldest daughter's "problems" on her PMS, which sounds like something a clueless man would do. OP, have any of you ever heard of PMDD? It is an extreme form of PMS and is labeled as an distinct mental disorder. The symptoms that your eldest daughter is experiencing sound very much like they may fall into the PMDD category. It is worth looking into, trust me.
It's time for you to focus more on your eldest daughter and help guide her through whatever she's dealing with. Trying to make everything so "balanced" is doing more harm than good. Our children have different levels of needs throughout their lives and your eldest child needs you more right now.
Yes, and I wonder if the OP’s avoiding issues has resulted in the older daughter not asking things directly. She may feel her more indirect approach will avoid conflict. I think that a more direct approach would work for both the OP and the daughter.
Alas, I can be more direct with her, but I can't make her be more direct with me!
OP, do you live in Europe? I can't imagine how else a single mom would be able to take daughters each on separate European vacations.
You don't have much of an imagination then. I'm a single mom, not a destitute one. My oldest makes as much money as i do. Youngest is supported partially by me, partially by her father (He pays her tuition and rent, so the bulk of her expenses are his). I drive a 12 year old Prius, my house is paid in full, and I live very simply. I save a lot for retirement every month, and live on about half of what I take home. the rest I save up. I have prioritized travel so that is what I save my money for. I haven't had much to spend money on during the pandemic.
As someone else pointed out, the trip to London is mostly paid for because I am a chaperone. Outside of that, Oldest has not expressed much interest in travel. Youngest is up for travel any where, any time and it may be that she and I have that more in common. It may be that in trying to be equitable, I was forcing travel plans on oldest that she wasn't truly interested in.
Telling one of them one thing, and something else to the other?
Passively pitting them against each other?
Your posts clearly show you have a favorite daughter.
I bet they know it too.
Actually it's funny to me, I thought I had a favorite daughter and it was the older one. She was fun and funny and smart and dedicated. There was always singing and dancing in the house and we spoke in Bad British accents.
Now I think the balance has shifted...she is less fun/more serious, and younger is more fun/less moody and I can see how that is upsetting older. Their rivalry definitely stems from trying to maintain the favoritism. I'm still not sure what to do about it. It's exhausting having to monitor their moods all the time.
Oldest hasn't emailed or called or anything. Her excuse will be she's busy with rehearsals.
Hi, Stagemomma. I think you are very caring and your daughters are lucky to have a mom who is willing to make things work with them. Here are some approaches I have taken.
Quote:
Twice I went to visit her at camp and both times she was sick and exhausted and too tired to do anything fun.
One approach is to consider the concept of obligation. This sense of having to serve another usually appears when a relationship is not going smooth and it feels like work dealing with them. People know when you have a better relationship with another. That is where the issue is. Your solution is to try to be fair by visiting both but that solution is not a direct link to the problem. Your older daughter doesn't see it as fairness or at least doesn't get the same connection as your other daughter does with your visits. She sees you doing "something" out of obligation but at the same time, you are not serving her. If my mom chose to visit me and we didn't have a close relationship and I was tired and exhausted, the best thing she could do is to be in service of me. Sounds pretty selfish, right?
I know there is concern about being taken advantage of but that is one reason to keep the trip short. When I visit my mom, I keep it to just 3 days. That is the most I can "serve" her and I was very explicit about this after she asked why I spent more time with my in-laws than with her.
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