Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My daughters are 24 and 21, and they are both delightful successful women in their own ways. They live on opposite sides of the state and I live in the middle, about 2 hours from each of them.
Both girls struggled with emotional issues through the years. Oldest thought things would be okay if only she was perfect...she put that on herself. She was generally pleasant to be around but has a hot temper when things don't go her way. (Like their dad). Youngest had emotional mood swings and violent tantrums. Both girls cut themselves in high school...that's how bad it got. Somehow we survived those teen years and a divorce and an untimely move and everyone is happier and healthier now. We all take meds for anxiety/mood dysfunction.
Youngest ruined a lot of things when she was younger, and oldest was always mad that I couldn't do much to stop her. I felt I was treating someone with a mood disorder, oldest wanted me to be a firmer disciplinarian. I try to see both sides but because I am the youngest in my own family, i often could empathize more with youngest daughter. I tried to be fair. It is what it is, the damage is done. Generally the girls like me and tell me and others that I'm a good mother so ultimately I think I did what I could. I learned a lot about my own temper during those years and learned to be calm under fire.
Five years ago the 3 of us went on a trip to NYC. Oldest was moody, tired and PMS-y and not much fun to be around. She blamed it all on her sister who just wanted to get a move on and go sightseeing. Oldest claimed her sister was mean, had a big tantrum, and kinda ruined the vacation. She claims her sister ruined the vacation. I was stuck in the middle and didn't have a very good trip as a result.
Things continued in this vein over the years until about 2 years ago; I put my foot down and wrote one page of rules for getting along as a family. It was kind of tongue in cheek...1. Your sister does not always have to be right. 2. If your sister is wrong, refer to rule number one. The end of the page said "I have a squirt gun and I'm not afraid to use it" As they read the rules, I pulled out my squirt gun. It was a fun way of letting them know we were turning a new page and it seemed to work.
Fast forward to last week, both seem to be doing well and they are getting along okay most of the time, especially when I'm not around. Youngest in particular is doing much better on meds and is really as much of a pleasure to be with as oldest. We took a 5 day vacation to Florida and guess who was moody, tired and PMS-y? That's right, and she had a huge tantrum and blamed her sister for being mean to her, and blamed me for letting her get away with it.
I stood firm. TOld oldest she was hair-trigger sensitive, and I did not spend all this money to watch her lay around and sleep. Sister was just trying to get ready to go, she wasn't being mean. If she didn't want to go sightseeing with us she just should have said so. She is quite passive...she said things like "I forgot to bring sandals" when what she really meant was " Can we run to Walmart and pick up some sandals" and then she was mad she didn't get any sandals. stuff like that. I ran all our plans by them in advance. youngest is willing to go with the flow, but oldest would agree or say nothing, but when it was time to go she was angry at being rushed and pressured by us. I was blamed for allowing youngest to be abusive. The girls got in a screaming match, we all cried, and finally pulled it together to salvage the trip. By the last day, oldest was chirpy and happy and thanked me for putting together a great trip. So nothing got resolved or concluded. And again my vacation was semi-ruined.
It seemed so false...she often seems to say things are going well when they really arent', then she pops her cork. She doesn't have a lot of friends and i suspect it is because some of her interpersonal skills are lacking. She says she should go back to therapy, take a dance class, go on birth control to help with her mood swings, and other steps to take care of herself, but she never follows through. She works obsessively 50+ hours per week and claims to love her job yet seems to find it very stressful.
What am i supposed to do? Vacation separately with my daughters for the rest of my life? How can i get oldest to see that just because youngest and I are getting along well, doesn't mean I love her best. They are both unique and special. Very different people with different personalities and goals and skills. I have never been able to treat them alike because they just aren't. She seems stuck in some old patterns and scripts of behavior and I don't know how to get her to mature a little and embrace this newer, healthier sister with newer, healthier interpersonal dynamics! I hate to blame menstrual hormones but I can't help thinking that she would be happier on the pill (her sister gives full credit to birth control pills for evening out her mood swings).
If you're still with me I'd appreciate your thoughts on how to fix this or at least prevent it from happening again.
Do you guys get along better when you're not right up in each other's faces? I ask this because when my mom, sister and I all still lived at home, we argued constantly. It was all over stupid stuff. Who got to use the phone. Who got to pick what was on TV. Who left there stuff out. Who was hogging the washing machine when someone needed to do their laundry.
After we all moved out? We get along great! We talk on the phone. We get together for lunches. We love seeing each other. We just needed more space. So I'm kind of wondering how your relationship with your daughters might be if you guys tried to get together for smaller events. Maybe if you're in the middle they sometimes meet you for the day and you do something fun in your town. Maybe you drive to where they are and spend time with them one on one for day trips separately. But maybe these failed vacations are a sign that this is a dynamic that doesn't work for your family.
Location: IN>Germany>ND>OH>TX>CA>Currently NoVa and a Vacation Lake House in PA
3,259 posts, read 4,326,350 times
Reputation: 13471
You can't control other people and shouldn't try regardless of who you are to them. Honestly, their relationship is none of your business. Also, I stopped going on vacation with my parents when I was 16. Why is it necessary for you to vacation with your adult children? They should be finding vacations of their own to go on at this point. This is normal and healthy when children leave the nest.
I'm not sure family therapy is appropriate any more when the children are 21 and 24 and living adult lives in separate cities from mom.
I would focus on nurturing loving relationships with them separately, making a firm point not to compare them, talk about them negatively to the other, or take sides. One thing I noted from reading your initial post was the way that you described your youngest daughter's behavior as very difficult to live with throughout the years you were all living together, but also had a long list of excuses for her. Mood disorder. She can't help it. Oh, and you empathize with her more because she's the youngest like you were.
Now fast forward a few years and youngest daughter is in a better place, at least for now, and oldest daughter, who bore the brunt of youngest daughter's really difficult years, is struggling, and rather than you saying "mood disorder" "she can't help it" "oh, I empathize with her because she's like me"... you say ugh, why won't she get over her PMS and stop ruining vacations for the rest of us or get on birth control so she'll be more pleasant?
This isn't to say that your eldest daughter doesn't need to be on birth control, or a different med, or in therapy as others have suggested. But as her mother I would be really cautious to make sure that you are not giving one daughter preferential treatment over the other. If they already resent each other, which it sounds like they do, and there was unequal treatment at times when they were growing up because they had issues flaring at times and you were a single parent just trying to keep the house from burning down (understandable), then if eldest feels she is the least preferred of the two, that trauma may be hurting your adult relationship and the only way to work on it is not to sigh and wish she wasn't so "pms'y" but to spend time with her one on one, really listen to her, and with the goal of understanding how she's feeling and getting to a better place, not just with the goal of sliding in a few "why don't you get into therapy" one liners as some have suggested.
Last edited by kitkatbar; 01-04-2022 at 04:50 PM..
You all seem to have issues that would best be treated by individualized psychotherapy. You indicate you are ALL on medication.
The young ladies sound pretty immature for their age and are probably carrying baggage from their younger years. I don't think that you trying to orchestrate 'family vacations' where everything is hunky dory is helping anything. You are not having any success resolving the conflict and disruptive behavior. Spending $$ on group vacations is going to be a waste until their problems are resolved. You know how it's going to end. Yes, you may well have to take separate vacations which each of the girls until they can learn how to conduct themselves in a civil manner, that includes you trying to referee their 'mean girl' nonsense. And I would definitely tell them this. The rest will be up to them.
I have no idea how to arrange family therapy when we all live in different towns.
Ever heard of Zoom?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
