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Hi....I am so distraught I really don't know where to begin.....I'm English and live abroad with my 2 teenager daughters.....I am divorced and brought them up on my own.......did everything for them and more.... gave them securtiy, endless love....was always there for them....My youngest daughter has been so so difficult for years.....I have been very understanding and patient.....I know it's a difficult period....
I have waited to return to England for the past 17yrs.... my youngest daughter will finish school this summer, and our plans were to leave here and start our new lives in England
Since over a year she has had a boyfriend.....I don't like him...he lives in a bad area, has lousy parents....doesn't work (his 18) he is extremely jealous, he's a very bad infulence on her and a control freak.....He doesn't want her to go to England.....and is doing everything possible to make that happen.....Things came to a head last week....he came over....they rowed (they constantly row) he started crying....she asked him to leave.....he wouldn't...she repeatedly asked him to leave....he refused...She had kicked him....and he slapped her face....apparently not for the first time.....I was so shocked.... I asked him to leave.....he wouldn't....I felt so helpless....my hairs began to stand on end....I realized that this guy was 'sick'.....I asked him to leave again and he refused....said I could call the police he wasn't going to leave....and continued to cry....
Before I could say anything else....my daughter told me not to interfere!!
Then 1hr later she left with him!!! I couldn't believe it...
She returned 2days later....wanted to collect some clothes.....I told him to stay outside...he began shouting....calling to her.....I told her if she left with him....then she needn't come back here.....He swore at me and called me all the names under the sun.....
We spoke on the phone a few days later....told her to come home....that he wasn't any good for her etc.....She came home 2days later....we had a good chat....told her life would be better for her in England....new opportunities etc. etc....( There is no work here) told her I didn't want her to see him again...that she had to concentrate on school that we needed to discuss plans etc. etc.
she cried...said she couldn't finish with him...asked if she could spend another week with him.....told her no.....
Instead of coming home straight from school yesterday,she went to him....said she would come home, didn't.....felt so sick, so helpless...worried sick about her.....she knows I don't have anyone to help....that they are no men in my life.....
She came home today...never said a word......I asked her what her plans were....she said she wouldn't finish with him.....Kept telling her that she was under age.....she keeps saying it's her life and she can do what she wants....told her if she wanted to live with me then she would have to do what I say until she is 18.......so I asked her again what her plans were.... i Told her I just couldn't take any more....I've been so ill....coluldn't believe that she would choose to stay with this 'sicko'.....then told her if that was her choice.....then she could stay here....she thinks she can stay with him....but she'll probably have to go in a home.....
I can't believe that I am in this situation.....I just can't think straight....feel so utterly drained..... ....
the burning question, is your child a minor? your post says she is, you need to call CPS and the cops. you are, by not doing so, approving of an adult conducting an affair with a minor in your charge. you are trying to win the love respect and affection of your daughter by being diplomatic, its not working. i know this if very hard for you. chin up. counseling and help will be recommended by CPS
Last edited by Huckleberry3911948; 05-21-2008 at 12:45 PM..
In her mindset right now, logic and reasonable choices do not make any connection to her. I don't think you will be able to reason with her. She will either hold you hostage or run away to escape your "interference", but it is very unlikely that you will be able to persuade her with rational thought.
Is your daughter a US citizen or here on visa? Since she is underage it does not seem likely that she would have legal US status if you leave, correct? I would use any "threatening" arguments at my disposal to scare her into leaving with you before abandoning her to his influence. I would even make some up if I had to. A few lies and mistrust later when she is more rational would be preferable to her being beatup or killed by this guy while you are out of the picture and she is vulnerable.
She is British and we live in Germany...apparently being under 16 isn't illegal here....I thought that by telling her she'd end up in a home that would frighten her.....
By chance I just read a really scarey report about this teenager girl... who was in a an 'abusive relationship' it was like reading my daughters story.....I now realize she is also in an 'abusive relationship' and is unable to see any wrong in this guys..... I will have to get a restraining order to stop her seeing him....
I thank you for your kind help
We have taught our son that men don't hit women... period.
That said, the one physical altercation you saw, she kicked him and THEN he slapped her... the courts will not count that as physical abuse if you repeat that.
She's got a hard road ahead of her. Good luck to you both.
Hi....I am so distraught I really don't know where to begin.....I'm English and live abroad with my 2 teenager daughters.....I am divorced and brought them up on my own.......did everything for them and more.... gave them securtiy, endless love....was always there for them....My youngest daughter has been so so difficult for years.....I have been very understanding and patient.....I know it's a difficult period....
I have waited to return to England for the past 17yrs.... my youngest daughter will finish school this summer, and our plans were to leave here and start our new lives in England
Since over a year she has had a boyfriend.....I don't like him...he lives in a bad area, has lousy parents....doesn't work (his 18) he is extremely jealous, he's a very bad infulence on her and a control freak.....He doesn't want her to go to England.....and is doing everything possible to make that happen.....Things came to a head last week....he came over....they rowed (they constantly row) he started crying....she asked him to leave.....he wouldn't...she repeatedly asked him to leave....he refused...She had kicked him....and he slapped her face....apparently not for the first time.....I was so shocked.... I asked him to leave.....he wouldn't....I felt so helpless....my hairs began to stand on end....I realized that this guy was 'sick'.....I asked him to leave again and he refused....said I could call the police he wasn't going to leave....and continued to cry....
Before I could say anything else....my daughter told me not to interfere!!
Then 1hr later she left with him!!! I couldn't believe it...
She returned 2days later....wanted to collect some clothes.....I told him to stay outside...he began shouting....calling to her.....I told her if she left with him....then she needn't come back here.....He swore at me and called me all the names under the sun.....
We spoke on the phone a few days later....told her to come home....that he wasn't any good for her etc.....She came home 2days later....we had a good chat....told her life would be better for her in England....new opportunities etc. etc....( There is no work here) told her I didn't want her to see him again...that she had to concentrate on school that we needed to discuss plans etc. etc.
she cried...said she couldn't finish with him...asked if she could spend another week with him.....told her no.....
Instead of coming home straight from school yesterday,she went to him....said she would come home, didn't.....felt so sick, so helpless...worried sick about her.....she knows I don't have anyone to help....that they are no men in my life.....
She came home today...never said a word......I asked her what her plans were....she said she wouldn't finish with him.....Kept telling her that she was under age.....she keeps saying it's her life and she can do what she wants....told her if she wanted to live with me then she would have to do what I say until she is 18.......so I asked her again what her plans were.... i Told her I just couldn't take any more....I've been so ill....coluldn't believe that she would choose to stay with this 'sicko'.....then told her if that was her choice.....then she could stay here....she thinks she can stay with him....but she'll probably have to go in a home.....
I can't believe that I am in this situation.....I just can't think straight....feel so utterly drained..... ....
Grateful for any help.......
Call the police. She is underage and he is not. Do it now before this gets worse. You need some emotional backup - cry on that persons shoulder (a friend, sibling, co-worker) but NOT to your daughter. Do NOT let her see you falling apart - you have to remain calm and in charge.
Oops, just read that you are in Germany, not the US - too bad. Here the police would help you and he could be charged with statutory rape.
Okay, so here is my ammended advice - find a domestic abuse hotline or women's shelter and call them for professional advice. Good luck!
take your daughter to a battered womans shelter and have her volunteer one day. have her sit and talk to these women.
i htink your daughter is not respecting herself but does not know this. she needs to respect you and her mind body and spirit.
paint a dire picture and make sure she understands that situations like this most likely end in tragedy. this is not exageration, its the reality.
15 yo's can be tuff but once she understands that someone who cares about her would not treat her like this maybe she will stay away from him.
sit down, ask her what she thinks is appropriate behavior for a women her age? ask her what is appropriate interactions for a normal couple. ask her why she would not want the best for herself when she trully deserves it.
on a side note, do you think drugs are invovled. that immediately came to mind for me. is she blind to this because shes high? dont give up tho. ask questions. has the other daughter helped the situation? do they get along? do you get on fine with both of them? are you preferential to one? there has to be some underlying trigger here. maybe its your own relation with her, maybe its drugs or maybe its just teen angst. but the best thing you can do is juxtapose a good life with what she is living now. and always reassure her that you want to support her, but in a healthy and productive manner and environment. her boyfriend is too volatile and will not help her in the long run, no matter how she feels. just make her see that boys are not supposed to treat girls in the way her BF treats her. she deserves better. once she gets a taste of the good life she will see how ignorant she was being. good luck and i wish you the best. stay strong and keep us updated.
Hello there
Wow I never dreamed I would met someone just like me I raised two kids on my own as well as Ur self starters I need to know where U are living if in the US than all means She has to listen to U no matter what and this sick boy fer-1 who the hell does he think he is standing in Ur home and refussing to leave when he was ask by U Call the law all means call the law on this 18year old boy I just about bet he stays away and Ur Daughter drive her to school and if she doesnt listern to what U say than they well take her to a school to where she well listen to U dont put Ur-self where U end up going nuts all means U dont need this in Ur life I well tell ya what here is my number please feel free to call me and I well call U back I have unlimited long distance we can talk much better over the phone I well do what I can to help U out I am not no S.worker dont work fer welfare not of it I have been were U are and to be honest I still am yeah no kidding 330-898-0682 but she is now 18 and she well talk to me like who do I think Iam but were getting ready to move back home and three months later she well than come home if ya call I wll explain and well see if we can help each other out hows that thanks my name is Sheena god be with us
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaraX
Hi....I am so distraught I really don't know where to begin.....I'm English and live abroad with my 2 teenager daughters.....I am divorced and brought them up on my own.......did everything for them and more.... gave them securtiy, endless love....was always there for them....My youngest daughter has been so so difficult for years.....I have been very understanding and patient.....I know it's a difficult period....
I have waited to return to England for the past 17yrs.... my youngest daughter will finish school this summer, and our plans were to leave here and start our new lives in England
Since over a year she has had a boyfriend.....I don't like him...he lives in a bad area, has lousy parents....doesn't work (his 18) he is extremely jealous, he's a very bad infulence on her and a control freak.....He doesn't want her to go to England.....and is doing everything possible to make that happen.....Things came to a head last week....he came over....they rowed (they constantly row) he started crying....she asked him to leave.....he wouldn't...she repeatedly asked him to leave....he refused...She had kicked him....and he slapped her face....apparently not for the first time.....I was so shocked.... I asked him to leave.....he wouldn't....I felt so helpless....my hairs began to stand on end....I realized that this guy was 'sick'.....I asked him to leave again and he refused....said I could call the police he wasn't going to leave....and continued to cry....
Before I could say anything else....my daughter told me not to interfere!!
Then 1hr later she left with him!!! I couldn't believe it...
She returned 2days later....wanted to collect some clothes.....I told him to stay outside...he began shouting....calling to her.....I told her if she left with him....then she needn't come back here.....He swore at me and called me all the names under the sun.....
We spoke on the phone a few days later....told her to come home....that he wasn't any good for her etc.....She came home 2days later....we had a good chat....told her life would be better for her in England....new opportunities etc. etc....( There is no work here) told her I didn't want her to see him again...that she had to concentrate on school that we needed to discuss plans etc. etc.
she cried...said she couldn't finish with him...asked if she could spend another week with him.....told her no.....
Instead of coming home straight from school yesterday,she went to him....said she would come home, didn't.....felt so sick, so helpless...worried sick about her.....she knows I don't have anyone to help....that they are no men in my life.....
She came home today...never said a word......I asked her what her plans were....she said she wouldn't finish with him.....Kept telling her that she was under age.....she keeps saying it's her life and she can do what she wants....told her if she wanted to live with me then she would have to do what I say until she is 18.......so I asked her again what her plans were.... i Told her I just couldn't take any more....I've been so ill....coluldn't believe that she would choose to stay with this 'sicko'.....then told her if that was her choice.....then she could stay here....she thinks she can stay with him....but she'll probably have to go in a home.....
I can't believe that I am in this situation.....I just can't think straight....feel so utterly drained..... ....
Where is her father? I think Dad (if he cares about his daughter at all) needs to know about all of this. This punk needs to know there is man looking out for this little girl and that he has a .45 and a shovel. And your daughter may very well need this attention from her father to counteract the punks influence.
I think you need to get her away from that guy ASAP. If she is a minor, pick up and move to England as soon as you can, in the meantime, get a retraining order (or whatever they have in Germany) to keep this kid away from your daughter. The fact that she has come home before tells me that she does care, and she knows deep down he's not right for her. Something sent her home those times.. also, since she was willing to talk with you and work through some problems previously, it shows she is willing to work things out. Sounds like this guy is manipulaitive and the fact that your daughter may have genuine feelings for him is making it hard for her to leave. A counselor sounds like a good idea-- You can't let her stay, you need her to be with you when you relocated, she's still just a child and she seems a bit confused and you need to help her. Do whatever you can to get her away from this guy for good.. My prayers are with you- Good luck.
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I been where U are right now (Their's HOPE)
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