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Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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In a nutshell: my husband planned a surprise (I'm not supposed to know about this) birthday dinner/experience for me and one of my adult son's (Jon) is not coming. My husband and the other adult kids are now upset with Jon.
In our family, birthday dinners are a thing. Everyone gets a birthday dinner at their favorite restaurant. We've done this since the kids were born. We change our plans, we get off work, we all go. The vegan has gone to a steak house. That's how serious this is.
Jon isn't going to mine because he said he has plans. He didn't share what they were.
Now my husband and the other kids are giving Jon a hard time bc they feel he should be there. Period. Jon did contribute to the cost of this dinner and bought me a birthday gift.
FWIW, Jon is my oldest and the only one who lives on his own. He's working hard to build his own life and I 1000% support this.
I really don't know what to think. Jon and I have a good relationship. He visits me every week and we have dinner together and hang out together. He seems to respect my opinion and I think we're okay.
Any opinions or advice? I was thinking I will talk to Jon and just ask if there's a bigger issue (for example, is he angry with me for something?) The dinner doesn't matter nearly so much to me as my relationship with him. I'm working really hard to have a respectful adult relationship with my son.
In our family, birthday dinners are a thing. Everyone gets a birthday dinner at their favorite restaurant. We've done this since the kids were born. We change our plans, we get off work, we all go. The vegan has gone to a steak house. That's how serious this is.
Jon isn't going to mine because he said he has plans. He didn't share what they were.
You say that it is a thing and that you change plans. He has plans he's not changing.
I can see both sides, but if everyone has been raised with an expectation that this is a THING that you make room for, then I don't understand why this is different.
ETA: The fact that others are upset about the dinner thing is separate from your "working really hard" to have a good adult relationship with your son. What's that all about?
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
4,640 posts, read 11,938,904 times
Reputation: 9885
Quote:
Originally Posted by gus2
You say that it is a thing and that you change plans. He has plans he's not changing.
I can see both sides, but if everyone has been raised with an expectation that this is a THING that you make room for, then I don't understand why this is different.
ETA: The fact that others are upset about the dinner thing is separate from your "working really hard" to have a good adult relationship with your son. What's that all about?
Nobody understands why this is different. I trust he has a good reason. Who knows, maybe the birthday thing is coming to a natural end.
Re the "working really hard"----eh, just that I'm not going to guilt him into going to my birthday dinner. I don't want to pull out the parent card. Its weird to see your kid as an adult and I've been working on accepting him for who he is and respecting his choices..
I see that you said you have a really good relationship, but I do not understand why you(women especially) think he may be mad at you for some reason. I am a woman and for some unknown reason if someone cannot do something like get together why do we think they are mad a t us? I never think that, but so many women do, anyway, I think if he has plans and does not want to go, that is up to him. Maybe you two can go to a nice dinner another day, family should not be upset with him, but since it has been a long tradition, I can sorta see their point, this is a tough one!
Birthday dinners being a 'thing' is a tradition for you and your husband (I get it, we do the same) however now that your oldest is on his own it may be a tradition he doesn't wish to continue. Maybe he feels like he's grown out of that. It's disappointing when our kids don't continue traditions we started or continued from our own parents, but I don't think it's at all uncommon.
Birthday dinners being a 'thing' is a tradition for you and your husband (I get it, we do the same) however now that your oldest is on his own it may be a tradition he doesn't wish to continue. Maybe he feels like he's grown out of that. It's disappointing when our kids don't continue traditions we started or continued from our own parents, but I don't think it's at all uncommon.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bande1102
Nobody understands why this is different. I trust he has a good reason. Who knows, maybe the birthday thing is coming to a natural end.
My thoughts as well.
The thing about traditions is...if they go on too long, they just prevent other traditions from taking root and then soon enough there are NO traditions.
I have 2 kids and all four of the grandparents are still alive. So what...so we need to wait til they die to have our own with our kids? People live longer now, that probably means by then our own kids have moved on a little.
My in-laws are the type that insist on traditions being kept and every year that goes on I can sense the resentment in some of their other kids.
Interesting that your first thought was to look to yourself for the reason, especially since you were confident about your relationship.
This strikes me as him wanting to switch up the family dynamic. The fact that others are so offended is telling.
Why do you think he wasn’t more forthcoming with the details of why he was unavailable? That too strikes me as odd, like he doesn’t want to be judged.
Maybe I’m projecting, but it’s what I’d think about.
As the matriarch, I’d want to dig a little deeper. If for no other reason, than to run interference for a potentially escalating issue.
Jon and I have a good relationship. He visits me every week and we have dinner together and hang out together.
I would not make a big deal out of him having other plans. He visits you every week. That's... a lot especially if he's getting his adult life established. I used to visit my parents weekly when I first moved away from home. Now I call them weekly, but we probably get together every 1-2 months.
I would resist the urge to make a big thing about this with Jon even if that is what the rest of the family is suggesting. The birthday dinners may remain a great tradition! Or, they may become a modified tradition where you combine birthdays and celebrate 2-3 people who have birthdays close together for one big dinner once Jon and his siblings get busy with spouses and children of their own and new traditions in their families.
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