Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Your example is NOT the same as his at all. In your situation, your children moved, not you were the one who moved. Besides, you were not married when she moved. It is a big big difference. Here is an example where If the daughter was very upset by him and he moved anyway, she might feel like he picked his immediate family over her.
MM... you may be correct. Then again you may not. She's 10, not 25. And it has been my experience in the past, limited as it may be, that children are much more resilient than adults give them credit for. Maybe it's the over-doting by today's "touchy feely" parents, or maybe, there's just so much screwed up in the world, they become numb to it faster. If the general consensus is that at 10 she's mature enough to think that he picked his family over her, I'm going to go on a limb and say that she's mature enough to understand that she still loves him and understands if he moves. But, again, no way of knowing until if/when it happens.
Also want to thank you for pointing out that my example is not the same as his. I had to reread it just to make sure I didn't try to say it that way and I didn't. I was just trying to pass on the perspective that in either situation when a parent leaves, or the child leaves, as long as the parent is active in keeping up communications, the distance doesn't always matter. It's dependent on the personalities involved, of course, but again.. just sharing my experience.
I think your (and any parent's) first obligation is to your kids. Hobbies, etc. take a backseat. You have a good relationship with your kid's mom- can you ask her for full custody for a couple of years and take her with you? Would your wife be ok with that? Then she could go back and visit her mom the way you've planned her to visit you. I would definitely feel sad and abandoned that my dad blew me off for his 'new' family. That's my .02.
I think your (and any parent's) first obligation is to your kids. Hobbies, etc. take a backseat. You have a good relationship with your kid's mom- can you ask her for full custody for a couple of years and take her with you? Would your wife be ok with that? Then she could go back and visit her mom the way you've planned her to visit you. I would definitely feel sad and abandoned that my dad blew me off for his 'new' family. That's my .02.
Totally agree with this.... why not ask for custody.... make everyone happy and include your daughter... if the reasons are for a better life for your youngest- then why not for your daughter? Doesn't she deserve the SAME?
I think it is good you have long range prospects and are willing to discuss this possible move with her. Just that you have strong feelings over it, to me shows you are a caring father.
I say you do what you feel is best for everyone. Although we love our children, whether custodial or non, sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves, may wind up being the best all around~
IMO people saying not to move is like saying don't ever get married again becuase it will 'upset' the children...but it can, and does work.
I also wondered if there might be a place for you to move to that is closer, yet still offers you the things you are seeking for your family...?
I am not taking one side or the other on this really. My gut reaction is to tell you NO, don't do it...
On the other hand though, I grew up with an absent father, his choice. My sons are now experiencing the same. With my father, he paid child support faithfully but after the first couple of years following the divorce, he could no longer be bothered to have me "visit".. and he only lived 3 hours away (by car). I cramped his bachelor "style". He didn't talk to me on the phone, didn't write letters, and told me a week after the fact when he'd remarried. Looking back, I honestly think that he thought if he was to play the role of attentive dad, my mom might agree to a reconciliation. It was when he realized this wasn't going to happen that he dropped me like a hot potato.
My own situation is in some ways worse, in other ways better. My ex doesn't pay child support. He doesn't call or write or even email. He chose to move away... 6 hours by car, but seeing as how he doesn't drive it might as well be across the country. The kids DO visit him (by plane) for 1/2 of Christmas break, all of Spring Break, and usually 2 to 3 weeks in summer (though he could have them for the whole summer, he never does)...
What breaks my youngest's heart the most is the lack of regular contact. He is supremely happy when "visit time" comes but then cries himself to sleep for a week after coming home, every time. It's because my ex doesn't call or write or anything on any regular basis. He makes a lot of show about his intentions to do so; he bought them a webcam, promised to get together for "webchat" at least 2x a week to play online games together, says he'll call and never does, never answers their emails or their phone calls. THIS breaks their heart, especially the little one (well, he's 10)...
So I must honestly say that if you are as good of a father as you describe yourself, and you keep up CONSTANT contact, I mean call her every night to say good night, send little "things" in the mail to let her know she's in your thoughts, and spend every available moment with her when she's free to come see you, then I think she'll fare well.
MM... you may be correct. Then again you may not. She's 10, not 25. And it has been my experience in the past, limited as it may be, that children are much more resilient than adults give them credit for. Maybe it's the over-doting by today's "touchy feely" parents, or maybe, there's just so much screwed up in the world, they become numb to it faster. If the general consensus is that at 10 she's mature enough to think that he picked his family over her, I'm going to go on a limb and say that she's mature enough to understand that she still loves him and understands if he moves. But, again, no way of knowing until if/when it happens.
I'm not an expert in child psychology and I can't know for sure what the child will feel in this type of circumstance.
My feeling is that a child at this very sensitive age is a lot more likely to feel sadness before she feels hope. It's not about being resilient. Will she survive if her father moves across the country? Of course she will.
My point is that we can't predict what she may be feeling and it is VERY POSSIBLE that the relationship will be ruined after he moves. It is unfortunate, but it's the truth. The closeness that he may be having with her now MAY dissappear. My question is: Is he willing to take that chance?
Quote:
Also want to thank you for pointing out that my example is not the same as his. I had to reread it just to make sure I didn't try to say it that way and I didn't. I was just trying to pass on the perspective that in either situation when a parent leaves, or the child leaves, as long as the parent is active in keeping up communications, the distance doesn't always matter. It's dependent on the personalities involved, of course, but again.. just sharing my experience.
Thank you for clarifying, I understand what you mean. I guess, what I was trying to say that it's not even the communication that he may have while he is in another state, it's the act of leaving itself that can put a huge damper on the relationship.
The bottom line is, if he treads very carefully, perhaps waiting few more years, continuing to build that bond with his daughter, the effect may not be detrimental at all.
I want to read all the posts, but can't right now, but I'm still going to put in my two cents (hopefully I'm not repeating someone else).
I worked as a legal assistant for an attorney who did family law and I can tell you that interstate custody can get very tricky. And just because you and your ex have a good relationship now, doesn't mean that is going to continue once you move. How does she feel about letting your daughter fly alone? Are you willing to pay for someone to accompanying her? How do you feel about your daughter flying alone? My cousin was a flight attendant and said she would never use the unaccompanied minor program for her children.
How does your ex feel about not having summer vacation with her daughter? About totally missing some holidays? How do you feel about totally missing some holidays? (usually, holiday vacations are alternated, so that one year you will have her for the whole Christmas week, the next year not at all)
Also, by the time your daughter is 12 her whole attitude may have changed (wonderful hormones!), and she may get a little bossy/challenge authority/etc. (I hope not for you, but it happens to the best of them). She may not want to spend extended stays with you AWAY from friends. She might not even want to talk to you on the phone much. If she decides to join any sports or music programs or drama, you will miss ALL of them.
Yes, you must make the best decision for you and your family, but don't decide to move away thinking that the situation created will be easy at best and slightly difficult at worse. It could be extremely difficult. Make sure you talk at length with your wife and your ex about ALL the details, from major points to the very minor. And, obviously, the move will be expensive and if you and your ex end up disagreeing about the custody, it will become extremely expensive!
Last edited by crazyme4878; 07-01-2008 at 12:54 PM..
Reason: grammar
Here's some brief history on my daughter and with her mother. Of course we were never married and I was there from day 1 even before she gave birth and I was there day in and day out for 2.5 years of my daughters years. I told her Mother months ahead of time that I was moving to Colorado in May and her mother acted like when I got situated she would join me. So I moved, lived with my brother, found a great job with great pay. I looked into daycare's, apartments, houses, spent lot's of money on calling cards, offered to pay to help move her stuff, even could have gotten her mother a great job making double what she made at her retail job, and yet she was not convinced and I was basically lied to that she was going to move. So I lasted 9 months there and her mother told me that I had to come home before her 3rd birthday party or else. Keep in mind, she has full custody of our daughter. So, I quit my really nice job and the nice pay, moved back with not much to go on, got my own separate place to live and told her mother that if I moved back, this is how it's going to be, that I would not be involved with her, but just my daughter, that I was going to finally have a life of my own with just my daughter. So I moved back, jobless, found a decent job making less than what I did the months before, I had my daughter on a schedule that worked best for both parents. Took her to daycare daily, etc. I met my wife when my daughter was 3 almost 4 and she's been raised by my wife and I since then, so this isn't exactly new for her. She's grown up in our family. We've done family vacations even before my 3 yr old came along. Now's she got a sister whom she plays with but there is that age difference which comes into play at times. But she likes being a big sister to her.
Her mother decided after 10 years that she can start dating and has been dating her man for a few months now. I told her it's about time! No one should have to go through life alone. So eventually if her relationship works out, she might have plans of her own with her new man. Which, if that is the case, then if she was to move first, I would be fine with it. I wouldn't put up a fight cause she does have full legal custody of her but is kind enough to share her with me. I appreciate my time with my daughter too but there's going to come a day where her mother or I will be living long distances from each other.
I guess I could as for full custody but there is no way that is going to happen because my daughter is very attached to her Mom, probably more so than her and mine's relationship. But if my daughter chose, at a later date that she wants to live with me, then that is her decision, but I feel I shouldn't have to put my life on hold. Right? I'm not only looking out for the best interest of just my daughter. I have my wife, and our 3 yr. old and possibly soon to be expanding the family again. There's more than one person involved her.
I think it could work out but it would definitely be very hard for her and me at first, but kids do adjust better than adults can. I'm guessing.
I want to read all the posts, but can't right now, but I'm still going to put in my two cents (hopefully I'm not repeating someone else).
I worked as a legal assistant for an attorney who did family law and I can tell you that interstate custody can get very tricky. And just because you and your ex have a good relationship now, doesn't mean that is going to continue once you move. How does she feel about letting your daughter fly alone? Are you willing to pay for someone to accompanying her? How do you feel about your daughter flying alone? My cousin was a flight attendant and said she would never use the unaccompanied minor program for her children.
How does your ex feel about not having summer vacation with her daughter? About totally missing some holidays? How do you feel about totally missing some holidays? (usually, holiday vacations are alternated, so that one year you will have her for the whole Christmas week, the next year not at all)
Also, by the time your daughter is 12 her whole attitude may have changed (wonderful hormones!), and she may get a little bossy/challenge authority/etc. (I hope not for you, but it happens to the best of them). She may not want to spend extended stays with you AWAY from friends. She might not even want to talk to you on the phone much. If she decides to join any sports or music programs or drama, you will miss ALL of them.
Yes, you must make the best decision for you and your family, but don't decide to move away thinking that the situation created will be easy at best and slightly difficult at worse. It could be extremely difficult. Make sure you talk at length with your wife and your ex about ALL the details, from major points to the very minor. And, obviously, the move will be expensive and if you and your ex end up disagreeing about the custody, it will become extremely expensive!
Great post. A lot to think about. You said it so alequantly.
Thank you! I just want people to know that I'm not a loser father. I don't smoke nor drink, I have moral values and common sense, but just an issue on what to do. I've asked my father his opinion and other's as well, so I thought I should open it up more for other opinions, and what better site than City-Data.com. I love this site!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
She's 10, not 25. And it has been my experience in the past, limited as it may be, that children are much more resilient than adults give them credit for. Maybe it's the over-doting by today's "touchy feely" parents, or maybe, there's just so much screwed up in the world, they become numb to it faster. If the general consensus is that at 10 she's mature enough to think that he picked his family over her, I'm going to go on a limb and say that she's mature enough to understand that she still loves him and understands if he moves. But, again, no way of knowing until if/when it happens. 
