Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Lately, many people I know who are parents have been telling my husband and I, and anyone else who is thinking about having children, not to. They complain about how much it has changed their lives.
Additionally, it seems like many marriages go bad after having kids. The couple grows apart; the priority is the kids and not the marriage. My best friend, who has two younger children (4 and 2) is miserable--her marriage is falling apart, she feels lonely, I believe both her and her husband are having affairs, and she complains constantly about motherhood.
I often wonder if parents are honest with nonparents about parenting. I think parents feel that if they say outloud that they regret having children that that means that they don't love their children; I don't think that's true, but I think it sometimes prevents honesty.
So, is having children overrated? I would love to hear from both parents and people who chose not to have children. How have these decisions affected your life and marriage?
Personally, i think it depends on the person, and on the couple. For me, my life is so much better for having kids. I married young the first time, and had my daughter when we were 19. Add to it she was a micro-premiee, it opened a whole new world for us both in very different ways. For me, it was terrifiying, but from moment one, she was what made the sun shine brighter. For my now ex. she was a burden he didnt want. We would have split anyhow, but he is definatly NOT parent material. He now has 2 kids, nothing to do w/one, and is in and out of our daughters life, and is a spokesperson against marriage. He does not want to spend his time, nor his money on anyone but himself. To him, its more important to be able to spontaneously pick up and move across town w/a different .....friend...or to not come home for days at a time. To only be responsible for himself only. To be able to go to the parties and have a good time every weekend, or spend his paycheck on a spontaneous needless purchase. I guess thats the word, Spontaneous, its hard to be very spontaneous when you have kids. A Spontaneous trip to the zoo is one thing, a Spontaneous trip to Fiji is another. That and responsibility, some people just dont want to be responsible for anyone but themselves. Not that thats so terrible, its just not a good person to be having children.
Flip it, I married again, we had one planned baby, and one surprise bonus baby, and where they have changed our lives and relationship, having them have enriched us.(of course, we also have my daughter from my first marriage, a treasure she is!) We are both less selfish, we are able to compromise better, even learned to "fight" better. You learn to carve out time for just you and your spouse, put in a kids dvd in one room, and go play cards and talk adult w/your other half. Get a sitter when you can, and do the romantic dinner out w/just you two when you can. Keep the masterbedroom "kid free" We even went to Mexico w/my folks and my kids, that way we were able to have family time, as well as leaving the kids w/grandparents while we went out for a late mexican fiesta night, w/no worries about how much we were having, or what time to get back to the hotel.
We love having kids. Watching my husband play w/the kids, or comfort them when theyre hurt just makes me love him even more. Making decisions togeather as a family, brings us closer. And going out togeather, w/a husband and kids I adore, and am so very proud of, makes me happier. Kids WILL change your life and your relationship. Its up to you guys if it will bring you closer, or drive you apart. Just know, it WILL change.
Best of luck to you!
Tiffany
Last edited by tiffela74; 07-19-2007 at 11:29 AM..
Reason: add wording
I guess everyone is different, but I think life would be incomplete without children. You grow so much by raising a child. I have never felt love like I feel towards my daughter. It is humbling to know I would give my life for her without hesitation. If anything, for me, having children was underrated before I actually had one.
Marriage is more difficult at times but watching my wife with her lets me get to know a whole new side to my spouse. You have more pressure to provide and make sure your child's future is provided for, but responsibility isn't a bad thing.
In my younger days I had told myself that I wasn't going to have children. I wanted to travel the world, enjoy time with my significant other.... and not have to worry about raising a child. I kept telling myself that this world was to messed up to bring an innocent life into it. Overpopulated as it is. It was a decision my ex and I both made together.... but 12 years after making that statement I decided I did want to be a mother someday. Sadly for my ex... he wasn't the person I wanted to have children with. We weren't married... we were engaged for 10 years; together for 12.
(Don't ask... that's another blog.)
I didn't want to have children until I they had a full-time not weekend daddy/husband. I wanted to be settled.... and secure. I put my career & job aside and did the things I wanted to do. So when I found out that I was pregnant, I didn't feel like I was losing anything but gaining instead. I saw it as a blessing not a curse or burden. 5 years later... I still feel that they are a blessing... even in the hardest times I remind myself that I am truely blessed. I believe that having children is a lifelong decision. A relationship you can walk away from... break up... leave... a marriage you can call it quits, divorce.. whatever... but once you are a parent - you are a parent for life.
I've seen marriages fall apart... & marriages grow stronger once they had families. If the marriage wasn't strong enough in the beginning, having a family will not help it out @ all. When some people decide to have families they put their spouses on the back-burner.... and devote all their time to the children. Spouses needs love and affection too..... a lot of times they get taken for granted... That's why it's important to spend that "quality" time together.... and to remember why you fell in love with each other to begin with. I think this question could be answered better by someone who has "grown" children. Someone that has been through the long haul.... that's the kind of advice you could learn something from I just had to share my thoughts on it.
Last edited by *Holly*; 07-19-2007 at 11:53 AM..
Reason: Damn.... spell check... ;) LOL
Having children is not for everyone. I for one admire someone who is honest enough with him/her self to realize that they are not parent material. I feel that so many people today who have children go in to it without realizing the hard work it is. For me, having children was very important. I am completely willing to make the sacrifices needed to raise them. Of course at times it puts a strain on my marriage but we have a strong foundation and that is what keeps us working together. I think that there are a lot of selfish, self absorbed parents out there. When the children interfer with "me" time and the nights out with friends, the hair appointments, the nail appointments, the career, the fancy vacation etc. they resent the kids. I can probably count on one hand the amount of "me" time I had in the first 5 years of my children's lives. Even now I feel lucky that I get to go out one night a month to play bunco. Having children is overrated if you are over self centered.
I think having children is great. It is the biggest challenge of my life but I am the type of person who loves challenges.
Some people really hate them. They hate change - it stresses them out. If you are a control freak, you may have a difficult time with kids, because you can't control kids, esp. when they are ages 2-3-4. And when they are teens.
And it definitely changes your marriage dynamics. But that means you have to schedule things for your and your partner more, etc.
And of course, children are very expensive - so there can be more arguments about finance.
Yes, I know lots of people who should not have or have had kids. The kids are just a big bother and expense to them and they can't wait for the kids to leave home. And that is just a shame, because kids are such a joy. (of course you are asking a person who has not had teenagers yet!)
I think it depends on the person and the stage of life they are in.
I adore my son. But he was an accident. I would not give him up for anything - just as I bet your friend would not give up her kids.
But is it worth it? No
Not for me, cuz I miss my old life too much (I had my son at age 29, and still was far from ready) I am a career ladder climber and having a child around makes you (sometimes) come to a complete HALT! I have an important meeting - nope, because my son has baseball practice. I need to put in extra hours of work at home - well I have to wait til after 10 pm at night , after I made dinner, and bathed him and read him a book and put him to bed AND then clean up after dinner (my husband helps allot though)
Depends on your priorities. And also the kind of guy you have too. TOo many men think "I want kids" but don't understand how much their life will change and just don't change as much as the mom does and then conflict arises from women taking on a huge burden (sometimes this happens in reverse and sometimes not at all - I'm just giving an opinion on my observations)
I actually have a friend whom they are trying for a baby - and he surfs over a dozen times a month - he's quite fantical about it. ANd he said "I know I can't surf as much but at least I can on the weekends!" LIKE HE GETS EVERY WEEKEND! HAHAHAHHAH! He'll be in for a surprise.
It is definitely not for everyone. My husband and I love being parents. Perhaps we feel this way because we got married and became parents in our 30s. We had both experienced single life to the max and were ready to make the commitment to our family.
And yes, life does change after you have children, especially when they are young. And while it is easy to focus on your children, it is imperative that you make your spouse a priority and continue to cultivate the relationship/marriage after the children arrive. Parenting is a lot of work and should be shared by both parents. That's why you both should be on the same boat before starting a family.
No, it's underrated IMO. I was never especially fond of children and wasn't thrilled at the thought of having a child. My husband wanted a child and I will tell you I was absolutely crazy in love with my son. Again, underrated! Being a mother was one of the best things that ever happened to me and that's coming from someone who wasn't that enthralled with the idea to begin with.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
That and responsibility, some people just dont want to be responsible for anyone but themselves. Not that thats so terrible, its just not a good person to be having children. 
I just had to share my thoughts on it.
Underrated, not overrated....
