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Very strong willed, very spirited, very loving & very smart. Also a serious people pleasure: "Mommy, I cleaned up. Are you happy now?" "Daddy, I'm sorry. Are you happy now?". Those sort of comments.
Need suggestions..really good workable suggestions...on how to handle when one's child says "no" when a request has been given...such as "Time to clean up the toys". And the response is "No." And, again, "It is time to clean up the toys." And with a poker face like no other he says "No." And he stands there & will not do it. I take his hand and start helping him put the toys away. Pulls his hand away & just stares at me. He is also starting to act up at meal time telling me that he does not want to eat lunch or dinner, puts his arms across his chest & stares straight ahead. When I inform him that it is time for lunch or dinner and he will eat, he smashes the food with his hands.
Now, this behavior is not every day, all day or every meal. It is frequent, though and I am getting frustrated.
We are in a Mommy & Me class for the preschool he will be attending & he does very well interacting with others & following directions. At the park & libraryhe interacts with his peers, shares, and puts things away when I tell him that it is time to go. When he plays with kids in the neighborhood, he gives them hugs when he sees them & when he leaves. The defiant behavior is primarily at home & primarily when my dh is at work.
I love my children to pieces. I cherish what I have in my life. But I will not tolerate certain forms of defiance.
The only reason I am even sharing is that I really am at wits end right now. My dh & I are on the same page in terms of raising our children. While we want them to feel loved, safe, secure, and happy...we also have rules which are to be followed.
Am I asking to much of my son? Is there something else I can be saying or doing in order for him to comprehend that when a parent asks him to do something, he does it?
My #2 is almost 9 months & the other end of the spectrum.
I just want to be a good mom & raise a good child. Sometimes, I think I am doing it all backwards.
I have 4 kids, my 2 oldests are girls and my 3rd and 4th are boys.
My older son has been just like you describe your son to be. He just turned 4 and is just starting to behave like a human being. After having 2 really mellow and easy girls first, I was completely at a loss as to how to handle such a spirited and defiant little boy.
I know it doesn't help much now, but I really think that boys are just SO much less mature than girls that he cannot help his behavior. The things that have worked with my son are consistency, timeouts and most recently losing toys or privledges.
He kept wrecking his train table for no reason other than to have Daddy reassemble it again, so finally Hubby got fed up and took the tracks and trains away. For 4 days. NOTHING had been working until then and he realized that we meant business. Now just a simple reminder will correct any unsavory behavior. But, like I said, this was a really recent thing. I think it can work really well if you "find their currency" but not every kid has one right off the bat.
I just really wanted to send you some moral support. I NEVER believed that there was a difference between raising boys and girls and I was forced to eat crow. From everyone I have talked to, boys tend to mellow out between the ages of 4 or 5. That seems to be the case for my son. his behavior is improving daily it seems.
I found that if I made it into a game or competition, my son would be much more willing. We would see if he could pick up his toys by the time I'm done singing the ABCs, for example.
As I'm sure you will hear/have heard, 123 Magic usually works wonderfully at this age (You need to do "x" before I get to the number three, or you have to have a time-out).
For dinner, we use a kitchen timer. He has 20 minutes to eat everything on his plate (I make sure there is not too much). If he hasn't, he gets a 5 minutes timeout, then has 10 more minutes to eat it. If he still hasn't, he doesn't get anything else to eat that night. We have had to go to the extra 10 minutes twice, but never further than that. If your son doesn't have a bedtime snack, then the final consequence could be straight to bed.
And of, course, whatever you decide, follow through and make sure your husband follows the same guidelines as you. Also, the father is huge in boy's minds (more so later usually, but every child is different), so if he has given you a particularly rough day, a stern talk-to from your husband might also help, so that he knows he can't get away with it even though dad isn't there during the day. (I'm thinking something along the lines of "I heard you were naughty for mommy today. I am very disappointed..." with that severe look that it seems like every parent but me has mastered).
Good luck! I sailed through the threes, only to meet my son's monster-side around four/five.
I just really wanted to send you some moral support. I NEVER believed that there was a difference between raising boys and girls and I was forced to eat crow.
Isn't that the truth! I grew up with only girls around and had a very feminist-tending mind in my late teens/early twenties. Then I had my first son, and then my second. Yikes! There is a difference! And they can destroy anything...
Yes, please know that you are not alone and that this is perfectly normal behavior, however unpleasant. When my son hit this behavior-age, I felt like I went from a great mom to one of the world's worse! When you are having a particularly bad day, just remember that almost every parent/son goes through this and they all turn out alright in the end!
Maybe it is hormonal - I was told that testosterone levels can rise in young kids and cause feelings of anger and aggression, and also interfere with attention abilities.
I gave both my boys Omega 3 supplements - I told them it was 'brain oil' and would make them feel relaxed and clever at the same time - they believed me, they took it, and maybe it was coincidence but it really seemed to help!!
I also agree with the idea of changing the subject, or the tone and direction of the conversation. Sometimes I'd start by making it a light-hearted challenge instead of an order...saying "bet you can't remember where all your toys live - let's test you!" or "I've given you a big boy's dinner there - are you really big enough to eat it?". Then I'd entertain him by rattling on about how much food his dad eats or some nonsense, as a distraction.
Having a conversation which is skirting around the subject often gets them doing what YOU want them to do, while they are thinking about something else.
Then afterwards tell them how proud and pleased you are that they ate their dinner/tidied up.
Sounds like the "terrible twos" starting at or continuing into the threes? - happens often with boys. Your son sounds very much like mine - the soft, kind character, but has his times of non-cooperating. It's going to get better - my son is 3 and 8 months, a remarkable difference in maturity comparing with him at 3. I think we'll be out of the woods after he turns 4.
The naughty chair technique works with him, even though he just gets up - his sister didn't dare to get off. Even if he's not on the naughty chair, he still hovers in the vicinity of it, and it's the ignoring him for a while that gets to him.
The shorter and most effective with us method is 1-2-3, but of course that implies that something unpleasant would happen to him after the count of 3. Yep, I did slap his rear at the beginning, and he remembers it.
But the best of course is knowing that he'll grow out of it. They need to go through the defiant stage.
When my son was 3, he also refused to pick up his toys. I tried taking his hand and helping him. Sometimes that worked but other times, it didn't. I finally started saying, "OK you don't have time to clean up but you can't play while we are cleaning up". He sat in time out while his sister and I cleaned up his toys. After two incidents of sitting in time out while we cleaned, he started cleaning. He's four now (which helps--they do start behaving better at that age) and he starts cleaning when I tell him to. Sometimes I put the kitchen timer on 5 or 10 minutes (depending on how big a mess the room is) and the three of us race around the room cleaning before the timer runs out. When the timer goes off, clean-up time is over.
Man, I read the posts, and I guess that I am a meaner mommy than those that posted!
I ask once, maybe twice. I only got it that one time- never ever have I been told no since then and I have two boys- one is 13 and one is 8. I don't even remember what I got the no for.
But, I know me. If my child told me that he wouldn't pick up HIS toys and HIS mess, I don't have time to be nicey nice- they shouldn't be telling me no to begin with (that's just my opinion), and I know that I would have said "fine then. If you are choosing not to pick up your toys, and I have to do it, they will go right into the trash". And if he thinks I am full of crap, like a lot of children do, I would prove him wrong and throw out his toys. I guarantee that will be the last time you get a no on that
Maybe that was what my no was for. It seems familiar. Perhaps that's why when I tell them to clean their room- it gets cleaned, and I never get a no.
Honestly, while my children are of course brats at time, and do things they shouldn't do, or give attitude, they are never defiant.
Well.... you are nicer than I am also. When I tell my child to do something and they flat refuse, I don't play. I am the only one allowed to NOT do as I am told in my home. The next time he says NO! take the toys that are out on the floor and put them in YOUR box. They become YOUR toys until tomorrow or the next day. After a day of having no toys he will pick them up. Don't count to 3... OMG that is the most horrible thing in the world to me. I just hate that because they KNOW they can wait till 3 or later to comply. Don't "Wait till your Father gets home" and make him the bad guy, you are an authority of your own, so own it. Or you can also do something else I did, only allow him to take out one toy at a time. That one must be put away before he can get another one out. This is after the NO! It usually works well too. My oldest daughter refused to clean up her room (of course she was 9 or 10) so my husband and I took everything but her bed out of there and boxed it up. I made her earn it back one box at a time and ONLY by keeping it all picked up. That was the first requirement. Needless to say she kept it picked up for a long time. I know this isn't the same as picking up his toys from one day but it is basically the same premise. As for food, if he refuses to eat what is on his plate don't give him anything except water until the next meal. No snack, no milk, no nothing. At our house there are times if they don't eat on Friday night or Saturday night, breakfast the next morning is REAL late. They eat.
Thanks for the replies. It is good to know while completely unacceptable, others have gone or are dealing with their own challenges with their toddler boys.
As for the "terrible twos" or "terrible threes", I've tried not to give into that philosophy. B/c once that stage ends, there is another one to knock a parent off their feet behind it
I have seriously considered taking away his toys. I am just concerned that it is too extreme of a punishment for a soon to be 3yr old (3 in Nov) & that he won't get it.
I don't want to be "nicey nice" mommy. It's also just not in my personality I enjoy my son, I enjoy spending time with him, but I also don't allow very much. I make sure he gets acclamation, hugs, kisses & praise.
I may be trying taking the toys away & seeing what occurs the next time he decides to act a way that is not acceptable in our home. And I will be consistent with it. I have no problems taking away his toys, I was just wondering if the age would be the issue.
Again, just thanks.
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