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In April, my 17 year old stepdaughter went into 30-day inpatient rehab. When she cam home to her mom, other than the chemical dependency, things really didn't change. Her mom is the dictionary definition of an enabler, and may still be in denial to a point.
About a month ago, stepdaughter came to live with us, her mom stating that pretty much she just couldn't handle her anymore, and that she needs to get away from the people she's hanging out with. I couldn't agree more.
We live about 3 hours away from her mom. The girl has had some minor medical issues since coming to stay with us, including a laprascopic pelvic procedure. She's only attended school for two days since coming to stay with us, with a doctor's excuse. This doctor also comtinues to prescribe her Vicodin, which I also disagree vehemently with (but that's another post entirely). This whole time, we have gone, IMO, above any beyond, even building her a makeshift room in our home. The mom continues to take her home every day she's not in school. She's spent almost three weeks of the past four at home, out of school, and I know she's been staying with her boyfriend.
Because of her school and legal history, the local school district really went waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay above and beyond in allowing her not only to register as a senior, but allowing her credits to graduate a semester early!
Today, her first day back in school after surgery, would you believe that she SKIPPED SCHOOL THE WHOLE DAY?! Then, she calls to tell me that "a kid from school" is giving her a ride home, and not to come pick her up.
Obviously, she doesn't know she's been caught. I love the online school records!
When she cam to live with us, her mom told her that she could either live with us, go back to rehab, or go back to jail. Good to know where we fall in her choice of living arrangements... lol
How would you handle this? I've been trying to help her, and feel like I'm being used by both her and her mom... Her father will be discussing the truancy issues this evening... and again, just like before, I just sit and watch helplessly. Any helpful words or anecdotes?
go in your bedroom, pack a bag and tell your husband you will be back when he takes control over his child. You sound like a caring and good person, you may not see the dirt being wiped off the shoe on your face, AKA doormat. Good luck, take care, she is a kid and a kid will get away with what they can.
I'm going to suggest Al-Anon for Nar-Anon to you.
These are programs to help you get centered.
Abe Twerski has an excellent book: Kindness Can Kill the Alcoholic (and addict). You might want to get a copy for your husband.
She's not going to get clean/sober until she's ready. It doesn't sound like she is.
I could suggest a halfway house, but again, unless she's ready, it's not going to happen.
I've been on a board affiliated with a well-respected rehab and worked with teen girls.
It's heartbreaking, but she has to make a decision.
Please be cautious about enabling her.
Thank you for the honest and kind--and not so kind--words. The only reason she is even attempting school after being expelled last year (one week form the end of the school year) is because she's facing felony charges, and her lawyer says that finishing high school will "look good" to the courts.
Some days she's an absolute joy to be around... bright, intelligent and witty. Then there's the other side. When she had her surgery, in recovery, she was swearing at the nursing staff and being generally really nasty. I couldn't handle being there. It was so embarrassing that I left.
My heart breaks for her... She wanted to be a lawyer for a really long time. When her brother, with whom she does not get along, took a major of criminal justice, she claimed that he ruined her life because now if she becomes a lawyer, everyone will think she's copying him. ?!
For those not familiar with the story, read the original post. //www.city-data.com/forum/paren...step+daughterI love this girl like my own daughter. She still confides in me, and I am honored that she does so, no matter how troubling the things that she tells me are. I guess I am more trying to look forward to after she hits bottom (and potentially out of prison), when she's ready to pick up the pieces. How do we manage damage control? I know I can't control her now, but I guess my question is how to handle this...
Thanks! You guys are the greatest! Keep it coming!
Read your words dear, you can not control her. Believe me it is something that all parents come to realize at some point. It is not about how much you love her. That is an absolute given. What would you lose if you took yourself out of the equation? You deserve to take care of yourself. Believe me, I have been there. Take care.
Well, she's not in school again today... I took her myself and watched her walk into the building, and that's all I can do. Looking into getting her bail revoked, which we posted for her in January. Anyone know anything about this?
Seven of nine asked, "What would you lose if you took yourself out of the equation?" I'm afraid of losing her, and that's what it comes down to. DH is going to talk to her today. If she shows up during the day today, like she did yeseterday, I am to try to keep her here. I love her, and I love her dearly, but I cannot condone her behaviors in my home. Either we get custody so we can legally have some authority, or she leaves. Is that too harsh? I have other children to raise as well, and she loves to tell me that in Indiana, she's an adult. I'm ready to let her be that adult.
Well, she's not in school again today... I took her myself and watched her walk into the building, and that's all I can do. Looking into getting her bail revoked, which we posted for her in January. Anyone know anything about this?
Seven of nine asked, "What would you lose if you took yourself out of the equation?" I'm afraid of losing her, and that's what it comes down to. DH is going to talk to her today. If she shows up during the day today, like she did yeseterday, I am to try to keep her here. I love her, and I love her dearly, but I cannot condone her behaviors in my home. Either we get custody so we can legally have some authority, or she leaves. Is that too harsh? I have other children to raise as well, and she loves to tell me that in Indiana, she's an adult. I'm ready to let her be that adult.
Rant off... Thanks for letting me vent... again!
~D
I think the very fact you are looking inward says so much about you. Keep rereading your post. You have other children, you have no real legal stand but being in your home you are in a labial stance in her actions. I know you want what is best for her and her continuing to drive the bus is not what she needs. I will assume your husband is working a little guilt in the situation so you may have to become the commander in charge. Be fearless, she will come to understand you in the future. I saw Mike Huckabee the other day quote Mark Twain so I will assume it is accurate. He said" You should put kids into a barrel when they are 13 with only a hole to see through and when they are 16 plug up the hole" Thought you could use a little humor, good luck and god bless ya, you will make it.
I saw Mike Huckabee the other day quote Mark Twain so I will assume it is accurate. He said" You should put kids into a barrel when they are 13 with only a hole to see through and when they are 16 plug up the hole" Thought you could use a little humor, good luck and god bless ya, you will make it.
ROFL!!!!! Oh my gosh. I needed that so much! I am babysitting my niece and nephew right now, along with all my own, and I think they all thought I was NUTS because I was laughing so hard when I read that! **Bonus... I also like Mike Huckabee, so that made it even better!** Thank you so much for that, I was much needed!
She came home from school today second hour with abdominal pain, and ended up insisting that I take her to the ER. What a waste of gas, time and money. Oh, well... I confronted her about school yesterday, too, and she insists that I am wrong. I think I'll let my hubby present the evidence... I'm going to Steak 'n Shake when my SIL gets here. MMMMMMMMM... Milkshakes...
Natural consequences.............have you tried that? Not about the drugs........NO(not when it comes to causing bodily harm) but as far as the truancy goes...............let her skip, if thats what she wants. She IS registered(so you have done your part), if she choses not to go then she will get in trouble(depending where you live, she could be in trouble with the police) since it is a law that you HAVE to go to school. I don't know, sounds like you've exhausted all efforts. Maybe try this. Good luck to you.
Taking myself out of the equation..................I have but it took a LONG time. You will know when it is time. The result in that decision is a CHIPS order filed by us, the parents. And so far, it is a really good choice. We are making progress.
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Thought you could use a little humor, good luck and god bless ya, you will make it.
