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Wow, what a year. I have known for a long time that my stepdaughter has been in emotional pain, and unable to deal with it. Sometimes she opens up and talks to me, and I'm touched that she trusts me enough to do so. I wish I could've done something more before all this happened.
Grab a chair and a cold one, I'm gonna be here a while.
My stepdaughter, now 17, has had a rough year. She'd been involved with a young man who was 19, and a recent parolee, for several months. She was once a cheerleader and an honor student. She got into school trouble, enough that she landed in Alternative Education. In January, just after her 17th birthday, they were both arrested along with another accomplice for doing stupid things (burglary). After letting her spend a night in the county lockup, we bailed her out. He is still sitting, btw. She was still being permitted to see him during visiting hours. (I think we need a step-parents forum...) Last week, she was expelled from the Alt Ed program, just three weeks from finishing her junior year.
Her mom is a bit of a codependant, and she depended on this girl to help her after numerous back surgeries. The mom's behavior is anything but healthy as well, but she's not directly my concern. They stay together 24 hours a day, pretty much, and while the daughter act like a brooding teen, the mom tends to be the "let's watch tv and talk about how cute Ty Pennington is" type. Second childhood much... but anyway, their relationship is such that the mom is not the adult.
We moved about 2 1/2 hours away from them in February. Hubby has had a rocky relationship with his daughter, to say the least, but he is trying. When she was expelled, he decided he had had ENOUGH! After much thought, he decided that perhaps if she sought out some sort of counseling, it might reflect positively on her court case as well as the school situation. He contacted the counselor through his employer, and was stunned when the counselor recommended and approved, without talking to the daughter, a 28-day inpatient stay at a drug rehabilitation center in another state! After discovering that she had stolen $700+ from her checking account, the codependent mom was suddenly on board as well. I think I may have been the only one not surprised.
She went in on Monday, (4/28/08) and the rest of the story came out. She has serious dependency issues, and has had for a long time. She admitted that the boyfriend, who will be going back to prison because of it, was stealing to cover her habit, as was she. The last thing I told her was that I love her, I was proud of her, and to be strong, because it will get better.
My concern for her now is what will happen to her when she comes back home. There is drug use in the house to begin with, not to mention the substance she was abusing as well. If she manages to get clean, (I'm not sure she's ready yet) what needs to be in place to help her stay strong? I feel so helpless. I love her dearly, and I may be the only parental unit involved that isn't angry and disappointed. The other two are so busy placing blame everywhere on the planet that neither of them seems concerned with what comes next. I just wish I could heg her and tell her that it will be all right, but this time, I'm not sure it will be. All I can do is pray.
Has anyone been through a similar situation? She's such a great kid, and someone needs to tell her so, because I think she's more angry than humble right now.
You lost me somewhere. You said the mom was coda, and had numerous back surgeries. You didn't mention anything about drug use other than your SD. Is the mom abusing pain killers from the surgeries?
From your writing I can tell you have a little recovery under your belt, or that you've read some informative books, or someone has been feeding you the lingo.
Anyway, there is nothing you can do other than support and love her. Maybe she can move in with you and her dad. It would probably make her feel loved if you offered. If she has no interest in getting better you'll know. An then you, if you are not already, need to get yourself into ALANON.
Her mom sounds childish and that can really screw up a kid...
Hubby says her mom uses marajuana, and she (daughter) is abusing the mother's pain meds. Useful info... yes... sorry I left those things out.
I've never been through recovery, but I've been very close to people who have. I've also been doing a lot of reading, as I am very naive on the subject. Knowledge is power, right?
Thanks for the input. We've actually discussed on more than one occasion that perhaps she'd be better off here. He didn't think the mom would go for it. Right about now, I don't care what the mom thinks. This girl is in a pivotal time in her life, and someone needs to step up!
You need to look into programs for you and your husband how you can help her. Make sure she does not hang out with the same crowd; she needs to be around people who do not use drugs.
You also need to make sure the entire family does not enable her. It's time for tough love, you can't let her get away with anything.
She will most likely be coming home to her mom instead, though, and that's not a good situation. The mom seems to think that this place will fix her little girl, and everything will be as it once was. I have a good relationship with the mom, would I be out of line to give her a call?
My role in the family synamic here has been to just listen and lay low. I help out when I can, sorting out midical bills, insurance, arranging for dresses for the dance. I try to be an auxiliary character, if that makes sense. The mom likes and respects me, and I've felt like it was important up until now to keep it that way. Should I maybe call and give her a friendly suggestion as to making sure DD gets/stays out of this lifestyle, or do I let the bios handle it?
There are drug/alcohol counseling services for family members that are dealing with someone that is addicted. Call your local county health dept and ask if the county has a drug and alcohol division, our county does. Hopefully by going to classes, your husband will see that being angry won't help and isn't healthy for him. Your step daughter needs to earn back her trust and until she does you guys need to be in her business 24/7.
Depending on the outcome of her court case, she could have to do drug testing each week and drug classes. I wish there was an easy answer, but you have a tough road ahead.
Depending on the outcome of her court case, she could be incarcerated for 4 years. This whole thing is such a mess... I'll look into what is available in the way of support groups, etc.
Wow.
She should be getting ready for prom, not going through withdrawl. We almost had custody at one time, about 4 years ago. Instead, the court decided she was old enough at 13 to decide where she should live. (DCFS removed her and her older brother from the home... another long, complicated and ugly story.) They tried to contact us first, but we weren't home to answer the phone, so DH's mom got them for a while. Anyway, she chose her mom, and I can't fault her for that. I do fault her mom, however, for the things that have happened since then.
Thanks everyone for letting me vent/rant/stress! You're all the best! I'll stop now.
Why did your husband have a "rocky relationship" with his daughter? I worry that you qualify "burglary" as "stupid things". That's a bit of denial. How long have you suspected serious drug use? Did you tell her father your suspicions?
It doesn't sound like it was a good time to move 2 1/2 hours away.
Last edited by laysayfair; 05-01-2008 at 11:43 AM..
Reason: grammar
Why did your husband have a "rocky relationship" with his daughter?
He has very little patience for his ex and the way she raised their children. They seem to have a questionable attitude and a sense of entitlement, and they all think they're a little better than everyone else. The daughter was never a child, just a tiny adult. Occasionally, when she would come to stay with us, I could get her to let her guard down and act her age. She's always been a bit of a snob to our family (hubby, myself and my/our kids), and they all looked down on us because we chose to live within our means, as opposed to going into huge debt just to please other people. We are who we are, and never put up a front to make anyone think otherwise. They just never understood that it's okay to do that. They were raised to believe that the world owed them something, and that the only way to get it was to charge it. We just don't live that way, and the kids couldn't accept that.
I worry that you qualify "burglary" as "stupid things". That's a bit of denial.
Well, it's not exactly the smartest thing she's ever done... It was stupid, and she knows it. We just didn't know how big a problem it was a symptom of. We all thought at that time that the boyfriend had talked her into it. She's very manipulative, and an excellent liar to boot. None of us wanted to believe what was right in front of all of us.
How long have you suspected serious drug use? Did you tell her father your suspicions?
I have not suspected serious drug use for very long, although we have both suspected for quite some time that they (both kids) were being allowed to use marajuana in the house. We knew that the mother and (ex) stepfather did it for a long time, and suspected that it may have been happening in front of the kids. We couldn't prove it, so we couldn't do anything.
In retrospect, she's been accused of stealing for a couple of years by several different parties, so I guess I should've suspected something then. I just didn't want to appear to be the wicked stepmother. I have a daughter about her age (a little younger), and they are polar opposites, and always at each other's throats. Hubby thinks I believe my own daughter can do no wrong (not true), and I thought perhaps it would look bad if I pointed out the flaws in his own children. If I had known then what I know now...
It doesn't sound like it was a good time to move 2 1/2 hours away.
If he hadn't taken the promotion that the move came with, we probably wouldn't be able to afford her treatment. It will also be possible now, perhaps, to remove her from the previous situation completely and give her a fresh start. I hope.
Good questions... I really didn't do a very good job of giving the full story here! Thanks again, all, your input is much appreciated!
Why did your husband have a "rocky relationship" with his daughter?
He has very little patience for his ex and the way she raised their children. They seem to have a questionable attitude and a sense of entitlement, and they all think they're a little better than everyone else. The daughter was never a child, just a tiny adult. Occasionally, when she would come to stay with us, I could get her to let her guard down and act her age. She's always been a bit of a snob to our family (hubby, myself and my/our kids), and they all looked down on us because we chose to live within our means, as opposed to going into huge debt just to please other people. We are who we are, and never put up a front to make anyone think otherwise. They just never understood that it's okay to do that. They were raised to believe that the world owed them something, and that the only way to get it was to charge it. We just don't live that way, and the kids couldn't accept that.
I worry that you qualify "burglary" as "stupid things". That's a bit of denial.
Well, it's not exactly the smartest thing she's ever done... It was stupid, and she knows it. We just didn't know how big a problem it was a symptom of. We all thought at that time that the boyfriend had talked her into it. She's very manipulative, and an excellent liar to boot. None of us wanted to believe what was right in front of all of us.
How long have you suspected serious drug use? Did you tell her father your suspicions?
I have not suspected serious drug use for very long, although we have both suspected for quite some time that they (both kids) were being allowed to use marajuana in the house. We knew that the mother and (ex) stepfather did it for a long time, and suspected that it may have been happening in front of the kids. We couldn't prove it, so we couldn't do anything.
In retrospect, she's been accused of stealing for a couple of years by several different parties, so I guess I should've suspected something then. I just didn't want to appear to be the wicked stepmother. I have a daughter about her age (a little younger), and they are polar opposites, and always at each other's throats. Hubby thinks I believe my own daughter can do no wrong (not true), and I thought perhaps it would look bad if I pointed out the flaws in his own children. If I had known then what I know now...
It doesn't sound like it was a good time to move 2 1/2 hours away.
If he hadn't taken the promotion that the move came with, we probably wouldn't be able to afford her treatment. It will also be possible now, perhaps, to remove her from the previous situation completely and give her a fresh start. I hope.
Good questions... I really didn't do a very good job of giving the full story here! Thanks again, all, your input is much appreciated!
~D
Thanks for being so straightforward with your answers. I completely understand you're not wanting to look like the wicked stepmother. If she came to live with you do you worry about her influence on your own children? I hope she's not going to be one of those "have to hit rock bottom" people. It's hard to talk that sense of entitlement out of someone when they've been raised that way. I guess there is always a chance that if she gets out of her old sphere (her mothers house, her boyfriends reach) she can start fresh in a healthier atmosphere. I feel for you. I will keep my fingers crossed for a happy ending. I'm sorry I can't be more help.
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