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I've been a mother even longer than I've been a legal adult. I've never been anything else but a mother. If anything happened to my son, I would effectively no longer be a mother. And I have no other identity, no other way to think of myself. it would be as disorienting as looking in the mirror and seeing no reflection.
I think that was the point others were trying to make. If you have more than one and you loose one. You will loose a child but not your identity as a parent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jkcoop
I would never want to be a burden on my son when I grow older - it's my responsibility to prepare for my future so that I am taken care of and not my son's responsibility.
You may prepare financially but if you became incapacitated your son would have the responsibility to make decisions for you. Someone would have to select a nursing home, make decisions regarding your medical care, etc... Of course when there are siblings they may argue over those decisions.
You may prepare financially but if you became incapacitated your son would have the responsibility to make decisions for you. Someone would have to select a nursing home, make decisions regarding your medical care, etc... Of course when there are siblings they may argue over those decisions.
Well, those are things you should also have written down in a living will and not leave up to a child, no matter what the age, to have to decide.
Spell it out ahead of time so no child, children, siblings, etc. should have to agonize over what your wishes would be. Only child or not.
I don't have any children, but my husband and I have been discussing it. He say that if we have children, he would prefer to only have 1.
We each have one sibling, so neither of knows what it's like to grow up as an only child. We both get along with our siblings.
Do any of you have opinions or experiences (bad and good) with having only 1 child?
I tell everyone to have ONE child and then take it from there. You have no idea what it is like to be a parent until you ARE one, so I think you are better off making the choice of having "more" children after you have already had your first.
Most of the "myths" surrounding only children have been dispelled. And you can not guarantee things in life... if you have one you could have them say they wish they had a sibling. If you have 3 they could not speak and tell you they wish they were onlies. I know people w/ grown children in both of these scenarios as well as those who were perfectly happy with their situations, whatever they may be.
One thing to keep in mind, it is much cheaper to have one, and you can give them more choices. Not that this is everything, but it's a real consideration today.
Another thing to consider - at some point you and your spouse will age and/or require care. I feel for the 'onlies" that have no one to share the responsibility of caring for their elderly parents. No one to share the decision making etc that needs to be done - and, as has been mentioned, no one to share the grief when the time comes. I understand that having siblings does not guarantee that sharing will take place but being an "only" pretty much guarantees it.
How about taking responsible steps (like only having enough kids that you can afford...) so you can put away $ for your own care and not have to burden your "kids." ?
My thoughts exactly. My mother and aunt are going through this now with my grandmother. It is a lot of work, worry and decision making. I can't imagine how difficult it would be if my mom did not have her sister to help out......
I need to point this out. My grandmother lived until she was 94 years old. The last 20 yrs or so were ROUGH. My mom has 2 brothers, both of who were physically, financially and geographically capable of caring for my grandma. Who do you think cared for her? BINGO my Mom. With NO help from her brothers. Let me tell you, it's even worse to know you HAVE siblings and they do nothing to help while you shoulder the burden.
What I'm implying here is very simple. It's always been my though that DECIDING to have a CHILD (any child) is the most selfish decision any of us will ever make. Now, the act of BEING A PARENT is selfless, but the kids are 100% right when they say that they never asked to be born...they did not. WE have children because WE WANT to be parents or have a child... and you can not dictate what the future will hold in 2 yrs, much less when you are 85 and need "caring for." Bottom line is how selfish is it to have 2,3 or 4 kids because they will take care of you one day... never mind that you have no guarantee that they will. Heck, you have no guarantee that your child may not end up sick or disabled and YOU will have to care for THEM forever.....
First off I just want to say, I'm sorry for your loss. May Peace be with you.
I have known several people who lost their only child in some sort of way as well as those who have lost one child out of several. The pain will always be there when parents lose a child no matter how many kids they have, but it does seem that the pain lasts much longer and is much harder when they lose an only child.
I have 5 children and out of those 5 I only have one son. He's going into the Marine Corp in less than a week and it scares me to no end, at the thought that I could lose my only son. I can only imagine how great my fear would be if he was my only child. I'm keeping my prayers up that I may never have to experience that pain and my prayers for those who have.
I agree... I also know people in both situations. The pain of losing a child is not lessened by having a "spare" child or two around. Additionally, again, it's a crap shoot. I know a woman who had 2 kids and both died... we don't have the keys to the future. Only God knows what will be.
I think this is an emotionally charged subject for me, because in our family we have several family members with only children. I think that the parents of these wonderful kids have taken all kinds of crap from people on a topic that is no ones business BUT the couples. Many people treat you like you are a leper if you want (gasp) just ONE? But not as many find it odd when a family who is having trouble caring for their ONE child (financially, emotionally, etc...) have ANOTHER. To me, the later is a less encouraged scenario.
I have 2 children, it was not completely by design. I had problems conceiving my first and didn't think I could have more (after being told so by 2 doctors). So #2 was a pleasant surprise. But I would have been completely ok w/ just one.
My one sibling has an only child who is now 10. She BEGGED for a sibling until she was about 5 1/2 and then that stopped. At 8 my brother in law asked if she still wanted a brother/sister (since they had not heard her complain in a while.) She looked at him, startled, and said "Tell me Mommy's not having a baby!" LOL She had decided that it was just fine being the only. NOT because she is selfish - she is one of the least materialistic children I know - but because she enjoyed being just her and Mom and Dad. She happens to live in a neighborhood where there are a few other onlies and they play often... it's all what you make of it... you know?
I also have a family member who has 4 because that was "the number they had in mind." They are pretty much living in poverty now and they make decent $, but 4 kids in NJ take more than "decent money" to live well.
But I don't judge their choice either. It's up to the parents, and no one else.
So my real advise to you is think about what YOU want and see WHY your husband may only want 1. Keep in mind my original advise... have ONE and see... you just never know.
think this is an emotionally charged subject for me, because in our family we have several family members with only children. I think that the parents of these wonderful kids have taken all kinds of crap from people on a topic that is no ones business BUT the couples
I don't think anyone here is being judgemental or giving anyone a hard time. The OP asked for thoughts and people offered them.....
I think this is an emotionally charged subject for me, because in our family we have several family members with only children. I think that the parents of these wonderful kids have taken all kinds of crap from people on a topic that is no ones business BUT the couples. Many people treat you like you are a leper if you want (gasp) just ONE?
I've never heard of such a stigma.
In fact, the higher up the socioeconomic ladder you go, the more common only children are.
Many privileged, affluent people have just one child.
Those of the lower socioeconomic classes statistically have more children than those on top.
So it's hard to see how people who are part of the power structure (or even those who aren't, but who mimic the ways of those who are by planning a smaller family size) could be so stigmatized by their social and financial underlings.
Or why they'd care, even if they were.
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