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A step-parent spanking a child? Yeah, that is not going help anything.
First, your husband needs to lay down the law. It isn't fair for him to work long hours while you take care of his son. Your husband should be working shorter hours while his son is at the house. For a couple reasons IMO, first he doesn't get to see his son much and he should want to spend time with him, second he should be there to discipliine him and help take care of him. What is the point of visitations if the child's father isn't there??? I imagine the 4 year old already "gets" this bit of irony on some level and is bitter about his dad not being there. Your husband needs to get control of this situation, it is his child. You are in the middle right now and there is no good way for you to deal with it and it frankly isn't fair to you.
I agree! Visits should either be rearranged or work hours cut when his son visits, and Dad needs to gain control NOW before it is too late! Zero tolerance for name calling. Time outs, take away toys, take away fun outings... whatever it takes.
You are being dumped on. Why is your husband working long hours during this precious time with his child? You are not daycare. You are not this child's parent. If his father is working then he should be with his mother or some other daycare provider. I think the custody agreement should be reevaluated so that your husband can be home when his son is there for visitation.
I am not a step parent, but my husband is and my two oldest have a step mother. I can tell you that if she had ever laid a hand on my child, I would have been hiring a lawyer. You do not have the right to strike your step child. That being said, I also would never have allowed my children to speak like your stepson is. I would also never allow them to disrespect their step mother. Parenting after a divorce is a two way street that requires a lot of communication to succeed. Your husband needs to call the child's mother and discuss all this with her. If he won't do it then I agree, you have more problems than you know.
I agree with the poster above. I have spanked my son and probably will again at some point so I am definitely not anti-spanking but I do not think you should go that route as the stepparent.
This sounds like a serious communication (or lack of) issue between you and your husband. I agree that you are not the child's babysitter and if your husband cannot spend time with the child then he should take a serious look at his visitation schedule. You need to have a big long talk with your husband. I can understand a few hours here and there but long hours all the time, no way! I also agree that when you are watching the child without your husband around you should have full authority to discipline how you see fit. I think your husband needs to spend a few days with the child and you and lay down the law and have everything very clear before he leaves you alone with the child again.
But you have GOT to talk to your husband about this!!
You are being dumped on. Why is your husband working long hours during this precious time with his child? You are not daycare. You are not this child's parent. If his father is working then he should be with his mother or some other daycare provider. I think the custody agreement should be reevaluated so that your husband can be home when his son is there for visitation.
I am not a step parent, but my husband is and my two oldest have a step mother. I can tell you that if she had ever laid a hand on my child, I would have been hiring a lawyer. You do not have the right to strike your step child. That being said, I also would never have allowed my children to speak like your stepson is. I would also never allow them to disrespect their step mother. Parenting after a divorce is a two way street that requires a lot of communication to succeed. Your husband needs to call the child's mother and discuss all this with her. If he won't do it then I agree, you have more problems than you know.
Sorry I should have added that his mother has lost all parental rights to him and at this point he is living with his maternal grandmother. The judge is using this as a transitioning time so that he is comfortable in our home. My husband is working long hours because he basically has no choice. We need the money and he is still paying child support for the child we are speaking of. It feels like a lose lose situation. My father in law is only a phone call away thank god ( he is a retired drill sargent) and he is laying down the law to my SS.
Sorry I should have added that his mother has lost all parental rights to him and at this point he is living with his maternal grandmother. The judge is using this as a transitioning time so that he is comfortable in our home. My husband is working long hours because he basically has no choice. We need the money and he is still paying child support for the child we are speaking of. It feels like a lose lose situation. My father in law is only a phone call away thank god ( he is a retired drill sargent) and he is laying down the law to my SS.
Ahh this sheds a whole new light on the subject...poor little kid and yes poor you for having to deal with the backlash.
Bailey, while it's great that your FIL can lay the law down to him, you still need to assert your authority.
Basically he'll behave for his GP but as soon as GP is out of sight, then you are still fair game.
Maybe your FIL can give you a few pointers. Yes I'm serious. Drill Seargents are trained in getting people to do what they need them to do.
If your FIL can get your SS to behave then you have not been acknowledged by this child as a RESPECTED authority figure (and it doesn't sound like your husband has either). While I know working is important, bringing up a child is MORE important and does not take away from one's ability to still provide for the family.
This child is in a rough transition right now, he was taken away from his bio mom, staying with grandparents and now sharing time with you and his father. Children in a dysfunctional situation tend to act out more so you really have to careful how you tread here.
His father needs to step up to the plate and get this situation under control before he considers full custody. Expectations will have to be set of everyone involved.
Sorry I should have added that his mother has lost all parental rights to him and at this point he is living with his maternal grandmother. The judge is using this as a transitioning time so that he is comfortable in our home. My husband is working long hours because he basically has no choice. We need the money and he is still paying child support for the child we are speaking of. It feels like a lose lose situation. My father in law is only a phone call away thank god ( he is a retired drill sargent) and he is laying down the law to my SS.
Yeah, that adds another dynamic. The kid is suffering from all this turmoil. It is just too much for a 4 year old to comprehend. Hopefully when things are more stable for him, you will start to see a different child. Good luck.
I put him in time out and that doesnt work instead he calls me a douche bag. He talks about penis's constantly and my lil girl who just turned copies everything he does. My husband works long hours and when he is here for visits I am usually the one taking care of him when I tell him I am calling his dad his reply is " screw that bast*rd"! If he were my kid I would bust his lil butt but since I am not allowed to do anything but put him in time out I am ready to pull my frickin hair out. He is going home Sunday and I am counting down the days but the bad part is my husband is trying to get custody so I might have to deal with his behavior full time. I dont think I could do it.
I feel for ya, but I gotta tell you, you married not only his dad, but the little demon. Since you have no authority, you have a decision to make. Put up with it, or leave it. It. Will. Not. Get. Better.
One suggestion: When the little hellion acts up, just dump him with his dad AT WORK. Or simply REFUSE to watch him at home.
You are being dumped on. Why is your husband working long hours during this precious time with his child? You are not daycare. You are not this child's parent. If his father is working then he should be with his mother or some other daycare provider. I think the custody agreement should be reevaluated so that your husband can be home when his son is there for visitation.
I am not a step parent, but my husband is and my two oldest have a step mother. I can tell you that if she had ever laid a hand on my child, I would have been hiring a lawyer. You do not have the right to strike your step child. That being said, I also would never have allowed my children to speak like your stepson is. I would also never allow them to disrespect their step mother. Parenting after a divorce is a two way street that requires a lot of communication to succeed. Your husband needs to call the child's mother and discuss all this with her. If he won't do it then I agree, you have more problems than you know.
I'm probably going to be way in the minority here and I'm going to risk getting flamed, but this is an attitude I have never understood. A step parent is a parent IMO. They usually get to spend a pretty fair amount of time with the step kids. Their actions and attitudes affect kids to some extent in much the same way that their biological parents affect them. Ideally you get a step parent who loves the child and they form a close bond with mutual respect and caring, etc. I'm hoping that most parents would want that to occur, for the sake of the child. Taking a "hands off, it's not your child" approach wouldn't seem to encourage fostering that type of a close relationship.
I have kids with a step mother. It was difficult to let her parent my children, some jealousy on my part, but I let her and my ex husband do things their way. We set some standards so that discipline would be fairly consistent, although there were some mom rules and some dad rules that were different. Didn't always agree with or approve of how they handled some things but I felt it was important not to interfere in their family dynamics. I just felt it was healthier to let the kids develop their own relationship with their "other mom." I wouldn't have welcomed interference from the ex on how my new husband step parented those same children children either.
Is it just me? When my step son ( age 4) comes for a visit I count the days until he is gone! I know it sounds bad but he is a lil demon! He has no discipline at home and every little mean thing he does they think is cute. I have nice furniture that I would like to keep nice but he thinks he has to jump back and forth from coffee table to couch. I put him in time out and that doesnt work instead he calls me a douche bag. He talks about penis's constantly and my lil girl who just turned copies everything he does. My husband works long hours and when he is here for visits I am usually the one taking care of him when I tell him I am calling his dad his reply is " screw that bast*rd"! If he were my kid I would bust his lil butt but since I am not allowed to do anything but put him in time out I am ready to pull my frickin hair out. He is going home Sunday and I am counting down the days but the bad part is my husband is trying to get custody so I might have to deal with his behavior full time. I dont think I could do it.
It sounds like having you and your husband raise him might be a life line for the little guy. But only if you have bought into the plan and you don't shoulder the bulk of the responsibility. If the boy is saying things like that at four, it sounds as though he is an a very bad environment. But you also have your daughter to consider, so I know it isn't an easy decision.
In any event, I would make sure that the next time the boy comes to visit that your DH will be off work and able to serve as the primary caregiver.
I agree, he is not your chld and you should not spank him. But having your husband use you as babysitter during the visit is something that you can have some control over.
Best of luck to you.
Last edited by Magnolia Bloom; 09-10-2009 at 07:29 PM..
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