Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I moved out of my parents' house, and in with my girlfriend at 19. I think the OP and other posters in similar situations probably genuinely do not see a reason for why their children just left like that, but I would be curious to hear each child's side of the story. This isn't to say the OP and other posters aren't good parents, but sometimes there is something bugging the kid that the parents don't know about or don't understand, and that's why they left. And their kid might not feel like they can tell their parents. In other words, I doubt it's for no other reason than to just move in with the boyfriend.
To shed some light from "the other side", I am sure that from my parents' perspective, they felt like I left for no reason at all, but in my mind I definitely had my reasons. I felt like my parents really just didn't understand what I was going through (going totally blind) and because they couldn't understand, they couldn't be supportive. I couldn't understand why I was going blind, and even my eye doctors couldn't understand at the time, which only confused and frustrated my parents further. I just couldn't handle being in that environment either, though. So as much as I loved my parents, I just felt like I needed to be away from them for awhile, and around people who could give me the support I needed. Now it might not be so obvious as going blind in the case of the OP and anyone in a similar situation, but there might be something going on in the kids' minds, that from their perspective, would make this story make a lot more sense.
There might be a reason why, and you might only find out ten years down the line. But I am sure it's not just about having to do chores or whatever.
Last edited by nimchimpsky; 05-20-2012 at 09:54 PM..
I do understand how you feel! BTDT with my 18 yr old son! It'll hurt like he!! but IMO, let her be, mom. Your chasing will exascerbate her running and her rebellion. Let her live it out! She'll be okay. And you'll go thru that painful but many times neccesary process of pruning and humbling that we parents go through.
Truth! My parents emailed me obsessively to come back and it only made me want to stay away further! I needed space from them, not 16 emails in my inbox.
I have just found out some information that has shocked me and really made me look at her for who she really is. I am so hurt. She is not who I thought she was and now I do not think that I could ever let her back into my home. I will help her if she is in need, but I do not feel that we will ever be able to have a relationship like before. She cannot be trusted and I am so upset about it.
I don't know what you found out, but please don't say this. My parents thought that my abandoning them was unforgivable and that we'd never move past it, but now I have a much better relationship with them. We've managed to build trust again. Don't completely write off the idea of having a relationship with your daughter again, even if it's far off in the future. People who do awful things can change. They can realize their mistakes and become better people.
It's not just that. Parents want their kids to make it, to become independent, eventually able to leave the nest, make their own life. Parents don't want to see their kids crash and burn.
This girl is not at all independent. She's blowing off school as well as her family. Not only is she incapable of providing for herself, she's with a guy who cannot provide for her.
I would tend to doubt his parents plan to do much of anything for her (nor will he) -- will they provide her a car and insurance? Will they assist her with the costs of college? Parent's don't want to see their kids become fools -- but of course sometimes that happens and instead of doing things the smart way they have to learn hard lessons. At least sometimes they do learn the hard way, some just go off the deep end and can't come back.
If his parents were at all decent, they would not encourage this girl to treat her family this way and would not participate in this.
And yes, parents have every right to care and worry over foolish decisions because it's going to be the parents who are expected to pick up the pieces if things get real bad for her.
And yes -- I'm one of those who remind 18 and over year olds where the door is and that it is my house and my rules. Why on earth would I have to subsidize some "adult's" lifestyle if I don't like it?
Let's also remember we are only hearing one side of the story which i feel is a bit biased to be honest. This lady is basing a lot of her opinions off of second hand rumors, and assumptions.
There is nothing you can do to undo what has been done. But there are two things that you can do now to protect the future.
1. Make sure she knows all there is to know about birth control, and that you're OK with abortion if it comes to that.
2. Make sure she knows that she can walk with dignity back into your house and say "Mom, I'm home", but she damned well better not be bringing any babies back with her.
So far, this is no more serious than changing jobs or going on vacation. But when childbirth gets involved, that draws a very sharp and non-negiotiable line between life as she knew it, and life as it will be.
Last edited by CowanStern; 05-21-2012 at 08:07 AM..
It's not just that. Parents want their kids to make it, to become independent, eventually able to leave the nest, make their own life. Parents don't want to see their kids crash and burn.
This girl is not at all independent. She's blowing off school as well as her family. Not only is she incapable of providing for herself, she's with a guy who cannot provide for her.
I would tend to doubt his parents plan to do much of anything for her (nor will he) -- will they provide her a car and insurance? Will they assist her with the costs of college? Parent's don't want to see their kids become fools -- but of course sometimes that happens and instead of doing things the smart way they have to learn hard lessons. At least sometimes they do learn the hard way, some just go off the deep end and can't come back.
If his parents were at all decent, they would not encourage this girl to treat her family this way and would not participate in this.
And yes, parents have every right to care and worry over foolish decisions because it's going to be the parents who are expected to pick up the pieces if things get real bad for her.
And yes -- I'm one of those who remind 18 and over year olds where the door is and that it is my house and my rules. Why on earth would I have to subsidize some "adult's" lifestyle if I don't like it?
Ironic, isn't it!? Yes, you're a bad parent if you don't stand back and let them do what "they want" to do. You're not supportive. You're not understanding. You're not letting them have their independence.
When they realize just how much WORK it is, supporting themselves, holding down a full-time job (or two-three part time jobs).....when they realize just exactly what it costs to be "independent", and come crawling back...we're then expected to be understanding, supportive, helpful and loving! LOL
Some of them actually expect you to let them move back in, pay the food, utilities, let them live at home rent free, AND have all the independence they want. Then they have the gall to accuse you of treating them like a child, if you lay rules out there for them to follow. They accuse you of "using them", if you expect them to pitch in for rent or household expenses!
What I find most sad, is the fact that there are still young adults out there who do pay their way and don't expect something for nothing, but they get lumped into the same category as the "entitled brats", just because of their age!
Well, the only thing you can do if you want her back home is cave. The lesser part of two evils. She is gonna have sex regardless...let him spend the night, she is 18. Otherwise she has boxed herself into a life w/ someone that isn't working, and she hasn't finished school. Bargain w/ her...She comes home finsihes school....gets a job and then you'll let him stay over occasionally. That way she has an out for being there...because she knows it isn't a good situation or she would have already moved there. Especially if she is stubborn....give her an out w/ some options she will take....the rest will fall into place...otherwise what's the alternative. These are life changing choices being made out of stubborn thinking between she and your hubby. And, you have to suck this up...you have to talk to her...keep communication open...don't talk about how you feel about her being there....too touchy...make sure she knows you are there for her no matter what. Love her, not the behavior. This is a critical moment. I feel badly for you. Let us know how things work.
I have tried bargaining with her and it does no good. She wants to live with him and party like a rock star for the summer. It is when summer is over and he goes back to college and how it turns out that I interested in. She finally gave me her number and we text from time to time, but of course it isn't the same. She is just telling everyone what they want to hear. It's like "oh this is what mom wants to hear so I will say this" or "this is what my director wants to hear so I will say this". I see right through it, but what can I do. I have packed up her room and boxed everything up. She could care less. Oh and after going through her stuff I found almost a gram of weed hidden in her jewelry box, but I am not surprised. Rumors? I seriously doubt it. Where there is smoke there is fire. She is graduating and doing her recital so we will be there for that, but she is not interested in coming home. My argument is that there are a lot of kids that go off to college and party and manage to graduate everyday. She can have her own place, car, part time job and still freedom party while attending college. That just is not what she is interested in doing. It is the guy and I have no other reason to believe otherwise. If she has to take responsibility she is not interested. She tried to tell me someone was gonna let her borrow a car when she gets her license. We have been trying to get her to get her license forever. She is now trying to get it asap. My guess is so she can go to the club. Sigh... I know my daughter so this would not be a stretch. I asked how she was gonna pay for insurance and she just gave me the deer in the headlights look like "what????" I don't have any idea what she is doing. I pray she gets a wake up call and lets us help her get into school.
I have tried bargaining with her and it does no good. She wants to live with him and party like a rock star for the summer. It is when summer is over and he goes back to college and how it turns out that I interested in. She finally gave me her number and we text from time to time, but of course it isn't the same. She is just telling everyone what they want to hear. It's like "oh this is what mom wants to hear so I will say this" or "this is what my director wants to hear so I will say this". I see right through it, but what can I do. I have packed up her room and boxed everything up. She could care less. Oh and after going through her stuff I found almost a gram of weed hidden in her jewelry box, but I am not surprised. Rumors? I seriously doubt it. Where there is smoke there is fire. She is graduating and doing her recital so we will be there for that, but she is not interested in coming home. My argument is that there are a lot of kids that go off to college and party and manage to graduate everyday. She can have her own place, car, part time job and still freedom party while attending college. That just is not what she is interested in doing. It is the guy and I have no other reason to believe otherwise. If she has to take responsibility she is not interested. She tried to tell me someone was gonna let her borrow a car when she gets her license. We have been trying to get her to get her license forever. She is now trying to get it asap. My guess is so she can go to the club. Sigh... I know my daughter so this would not be a stretch. I asked how she was gonna pay for insurance and she just gave me the deer in the headlights look like "what????" I don't have any idea what she is doing. I pray she gets a wake up call and lets us help her get into school.
I always find is amusing how when questioned about some subjects the poster 'miraculously' finds details they neglected to tell us in the first place .
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
