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So, my 18 year old daughter got into an argument with her Dad over chores, and evidently it escalated to "Okay then, I am moving out" Her dad asked was she serious... she packed a few small bags and stormed out. She has moved in with her boyfriend and his entire family. Now my daughter has no money, no job, has not graduated from high school yet and her boyfriend is getting unemployment which he is responsible to pay $500.00 per month to HIS parents toward their mortgage.
It seems at some point and time she had a discussion with the other parents about her coming to live with them, and from what I am getting, somehow the parents seem to be all fine with this. I have no idea HOW it could be fine with them when they are going thru mortgage and financial challenges trying to keep their house. It seems to me the argument over the chores was a convenient exit strategy to do what she wanted to do anyway... which was to leave home with her boyfriend somehow.
My daughter and I have always gotten along well, so this really breaks me down that she COULD put me through this type of heartache. I spoke to her briefly on the phone, I did not have much to say to her because I just have not worked out what my position on all this will be.
Her boyfriend does not get along THAT well with his Dad, so I am thinking that it is just a matter of time before they start feeling that one more mouth to feed and my daughter being there will become a problem. What if she gets sick or has a toothache, I am sure they will hurry up and dump her back on my front steps.
Now as for her boyfriend... he is okay with me, I don't dislike him, he seems to truly care about my daughter but he is 21 and still with his parents, so really these two are like the blind leading the blind! Neither of them are ready for the real world. It just seems she has picked her man over her relationship with her family.
If she came back home today, I would be okay with that and relieved, so this is really not about a battle of wills, who is gonna win out... you must follow my rules or none of that. Her Dad was fussing with her because she had not done her chores. It was really a simple thing. Do you think she is doing chores in her boyfriends family's house? Bet she is... bet she has to!
So I am sitting here, trying to think of all the variables are and how long is this gonna last, and what are the possible outcomes? What do you guys think is gonna happen here... she has been gone going on a week. How long to you think she can hold out. She is the stubborn type... In my view, all roads lead back to me because she has no finances to support herself with. I am very unhappy with this whole thing, and of course the crying comes in waves, much like it does when someone dies, but I am trying to work thru it and sit tight. I have 2 other children 31 and 28 and she is 18. I have NEVER gone thru anything like this.
I was not here when all this went down, I was at work. I am also unhappy with the fact I dont seem to be able to go to work and have some reasonable expectations that things can remain the same when I get back home. This is a potentially life changing event for me. Me and her Dad are walking around like zombies just hoping she will walk back thru the door.
Wow, this happened to me EXACTALLY the same way. Came off shift, husband in the recliner, her door opened and her room a wreck.
She was two weeks graduated from high school. I knew she was hard headed but my god!
The only rule to follow was the BF could not spend the night. She had to be home by 1am. No rent to pay, only worked pt to pay for her car while waiting to start college. Now she has lived there for three years, is working and going to school. I am not paying for any of it. She is using grants/loans of which I had warned her about getting into debt.
Bottom line: we do not drink/smoke/party.His family did.
They have an downstairs apartment in the parents home. My worry is no health insurance but what can we control? I too was like a zombie for months, very much like a death. This kid and I were always on good terms, nearly never a cross word.
She wanted him to spend the night, dad said no, fine I am leaving.
I called and begged, told her it is alright, just come home we can work it out. I called his mother, begged her to not let this happen, I appealed to every part of her being a mother. She blew me off.
I have no answers for you. I can only tell you that it does not get better but you learn to live with it and your dissapointments. You give your all and it hurts like hello when they throw you away. Move and start a new life, that is what I did. Still hard everyday. Stick to your guns and do your crying in the shower. This nearly broke my marriage of then 24 years. I will remember you in prayer. You are not alone.
My kids are young, so I have no parental experience with this. But, My parents managed to keep me in school in part by threatening to cut me off financially completely if I dropped out, moved in with a boyfriend, basically did anything they didn't approve of. That meant no car, no car insurance, no living at home for free, no medical insurance... I worked and paid for gas and paid for rent when I moved out, bought my own clothes, etc. I lived at home for free for part of college. I paid for some stuff, but they paid for some too. They also threatened to not give me a wedding when they were done paying for everything else. Anyway, I don't know if you are a "when you're 18 you're on your own" type of family, or more like mine, where my parents helped support me until I was 23, graduated from college, and got a full time job. If the former, you might not have much leverage. If the latter, you might make a list with dollar amounts to show her, and tell her if she moves out, it is all gone. You could also try to talk to the boyfriend's parents. They should back you up.
I had a very close friend who did something similar. But, she refused to speak with her parents for 4 years. Then they were very strict and religious and she was afraid of disappointing them but wanted her own life. She is a very succesful executive today and has a completely normal relationship with her parents. I hope that helps with a long term picture.
For the short term - ensure she knows your door is open, but do not support her independence. Being independent means you are on your own.
Nope, I was not thinking along the lines of leveraging anything. The fact of the matter is I was prepared to help my daughter with whatever she needs, for however long she needs. I have always been opened ended with my children. Turning 18 does not mean anything to me... You don't stop being a parent when they turn 18. I am still helping my 28 and 31 year old when they need it. Thats the whole purpose of family I feel. To provide help and support, so it is really hard for me to understand her throwing me away like this.
You will have to realize that she has made an adult choice.
She is now an adult, I understand how hard that is believe me. If she comes back home it will be easier for her to leave again when she feels "oppressed"
My life quote is "It is what it is"
That is how I have delt with it. I had every plan on her going to college locally living at home at no cost, financially helping. I had to make a decision finally after many months that this is what she wanted and my responsibility was to get on with my life. We talk, email, FB stay in touch. I never want her in a situation that she is desperate or has no where to go. On the other hand I can not support her financially when I disagree on her lifestyle. Can not have it both ways.
You will have to realize that she has made an adult choice.
She is now an adult, I understand how hard that is believe me. If she comes back home it will be easier for her to leave again when she feels "oppressed"
My life quote is "It is what it is"
That is how I have delt with it. I had every plan on her going to college locally living at home at no cost, financially helping. I had to make a decision finally after many months that this is what she wanted and my responsibility was to get on with my life. We talk, email, FB stay in touch. I never want her in a situation that she is desperate or has no where to go. On the other hand I can not support her financially when I disagree on her lifestyle. Can not have it both ways.
I completely agree. To do more means that you support her decision.
Nope, I was not thinking along the lines of leveraging anything. The fact of the matter is I was prepared to help my daughter with whatever she needs, for however long she needs. I have always been opened ended with my children. Turning 18 does not mean anything to me... You don't stop being a parent when they turn 18. I am still helping my 28 and 31 year old when they need it. Thats the whole purpose of family I feel. To provide help and support, so it is really hard for me to understand her throwing me away like this.
I think you are going to have to wait this out. If she wants to come to you she will. She's 18 now. Unless you see something abusive or dangerous to her, you need to let her find her way, mistakes and all. She's on her own.
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she has been gone going on a week. How long to you think she can hold out. She is the stubborn type... In my view, all roads lead back to me because she has no finances to support herself with. I am very unhappy with this whole thing, and of course the crying comes in waves, much like it does when someone dies, but I am trying to work thru it and sit tight. 
I have 2 other children 31 and 28 and she is 18. I have NEVER gone thru anything like this.
