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I have been there- my daughter was older but she ended up with a UTI that landed her in the hospital- they had sex twice-used condoms ( we were waiting to go to doctor to get on pill) anyway now she seems alot smarter-I don't think they have done it anymore--she was VERY sick and I doubt she wants that again. It is so sad that these kids feel that they need to have sex so young. My daughter now babysits several times a week and it is the perfect birth contol- I always say when she comes- home -are you ready for kids and she says NO!!! Good luck -maybe it's not true-keep us posted
I'm praying it isn't true but fear it is. We've always made sure his mom was home if they went to his house but there were a couple of times when I called over there and the mom didn't know they were there (possibly left and came back without her realizing they had come back). Plus there are times when just the tone of her voice when I call her to come home is wrong. However, this kid is really controlling. We've discouraged the relationship but not forbidden it hoping it will end on its own. My daughter is the type to do something just because you told her she couldn't. She's very self centered. Moreso than the average teen. Which is why I can't figure why she'd risk pregnancy. Pregnancy would ruin her dream of going to veternary school. Of course every teen thinks "Not me".
Talk to your daughter. Make sure she understands how you feel and make your expectations clear. Take her to the gynecologist. If she's having sex then she needs to be seen for her first pap smear. I personally would consider getting her on some type of birth control and educating her about condoms reproduction and sexually transmitted diseases.
I agree with Maciesmom's suggestion to let her watch MTV's teen Mom. I think it's a pretty accurate portrayal of what the difficulties teen parents (and parents in general) face when having a child.
She has watched Teen Mom with me and talks like she'd never let that happen to her yet she's told other people she's having sex. I have no idea why she'd ruin her reputation like that if she wasn't.
When we've watched Teen Mom, I've made it a point to comment that having a baby would be one sure fire way to end her dream of becomming a vet.
This is one area I thougth I'd made some impact on. I've talked to my girls from a young age about the consequences of teen sex. The only reason we agreed to the boyfriend was that if we hadn't, she just would have snuck around to see him and that would have been even worse. Well, I guess not. This is the worst.
I AGREE with everything but calling the police....unless hes WAY older!! But even then HE can endup being labled a Sex Offender for the rest of his life! DONT trust your gossipy friends! To hear my moms friends & others I was the Biggest ***** at that age you ever see...ALL a lie & my mom Never believed ME! Please Dont do that to your DD!! I do think she is at the age she needs you to talk to her. & going to a GYN would be a start.
The person who told me did so out of concern for her. It was very hard dor her to tell me but she felt she had to. I've since verified that she also told another friend. This is not rumor. It's what she told these girls. Both girls appologized to me for not telling me right away. This isn't gossip.
If I could get the kid labeled as a sex offender, I would but he's 15. Even without the Romeo and Juliet clause, he can't be charged because he's too young.
You have gotten a lot of great advice. I would just ask her honestly and if she deines it so be it. You can't make her tell you, but if you really do think she is active I would set up an gyn appt for a pap test as well as get her the new HPV shot that women can get now to prevent cervical cancer. Maybe if she doesn't want to tell you she would tell the dr?
Have you or your DD watched the show on MTV called "16 and Pregnant"? Followed by "Teen Mom"? I'm not generally a fan of MTV but these shows I think did a pretty good job of documenting the difficulties and life changing decisions these teens made. You might review these online to see if that is something you'd want to watch and discuss with your DD.
I have. I didn't like 16 and pregnant because it glamorized teen pregnancy but Teen Mom is a good show. It shows how hard the adjustment is. I felt that everyone was in denial during the pregnancy episodes except the one couple that gave the baby up for adoption. I'm glad they did Teen Mom after 16 and pregnant because it shows how hard it really is.
If I could get the kid labeled as a sex offender, I would but he's 15. Even without the Romeo and Juliet clause, he can't be charged because he's too young.
So you think because he is having sex with your daughter he is a sex offender!?!?!? Did you ever think that maybe its just as much her fault as his or maybe even more hers? You mentality is that how dare he have sex with MY daughter! Well you said yourself that he has broken up with her in the past but she cant stay away from him. Do you not put any blame on your daughter or yourself? Youd rather charge if you could, or at the very least label someone an offender b/c your daughter is rebelling, or cant keep her legs closed or whatever the case may be?
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Last edited by mrstewart; 02-05-2010 at 04:34 PM..
I'm sorry to hear you are having to deal with this. As you know, you're not alone.
I would put the issue into two categories right now: the immediate crisis (what should I do right now to protect my daughter?) and the longterm/philosophical (how do I think about this situation? what should my goals be? what are some reasons this happened)
In the immediate category:
1) Confronting her will only lead to a blow up and defensive lying, in my opinion. Not sure I would take that route. She'd probably be horrified. At least wait until you are sure it's the right thing to do and you have a plan or strategy (seek counseling for advice, maybe?)
2) Get her to a female gynecologist who is good with teens, right away. Just say you think it's time for her to have this kind of exam now in her life. This is the time to do damage control of the worst possible case scenarios: pregnancy, STDs, cervical cancer, etc.
3) Get some supervision going. Hiring a part time housekeeper might be a great idea.
4) Consider getting some counseling for yourself on how to handle this situation. Do this BEFORE you take actions like confronting her, etc.
5) Talking to the boy's family is SUCH a bad idea, unless they were good people that you knew well. I predict that the first thing they would do is call your daughter a ho. You don't want or need that. I also doubt that this boy can be "scared" into being responsible. Teens are notoriously stupid and impulsive. It's nice to try to scare them or educate them into being responsible but when it comes to the really important stuff, you need a back up plan while they are "learning," and that is 24/7 supervision.
Philosophical:
1) I'm extremely conservative (and religious) on the subject of premarital sexuality. Yes, 14 is terribly young but compared to her classmates, probably not. This is her world, after all. This is what is the "norm" in her peer group. As long as she is in that setting, there is little hope of her being different. I don't know that you are going to be able to stop this sexual activity cold. Once her sexual desires are aroused AND gratified, it's a powerful urge and short of putting her into a cage, doubt you are going to be able to control it unless you remove her entirely from the environment she is in (see my comments below). Even prisoners in labor camps where they were starved ended up pregnant. How did that happen? Putting aside the horrible possibility of rape by guards, many prisoners who survived and were interviewed admitted to sexual activity and said the urges were on par with hunger. They'd do anything to "get it." Amazing!
2) Where is her father? Young girls who become sexually active early are often missing their fathers and seeking out male attention. Perhaps finding some way for her to have a healthier paternal type relationship might help curb some of her psychological desires for sex. Any trustworthy adult males that could spend more time with her? I emphasize "trustworthy."
3) This boy does not sound like a good influence even apart from the sexual activity. You may not be able to end the relationship entirely but you probably can put a crimp in it, enough that he might get bored or impatient with her and move along to another victim. She'll hate you but that's part of being a parent. Girls tend to be "in love" and boys often are just looking for a sexual outlet. If she is suddenly made unavailable, he might grow impatient and do the hard work for you by dumping her. Realize that if you don't deal with her psychological needs, there is more to come in this area: if he does move on to someone else, she may seek out retaliatory sex with boys she doesn't even care about, etc. You need to be anticipating ALL of this.
4) Your daughter is in a groove, so to speak. She has her set of friends, her boyfriend, her routine at school and her routine at home. If you really want to break up this scenario and try to reprogram her to stop having sex, etc, it would mean taking drastic measures that involve changing her peer group, her school, etc. I'm not saying this is the right thing to do, but it might be for some families. In our family, premarital sex is completely unacceptable, but recognizing how hard it would be to interrupt something that has become a pattern within a familiar scenario, we'd probably remove her from all that is familiar to her, create a bit of a personal crisis to keep her mind busy on adjusting, and get her into a different setting where sexual activity among girls her age would make her very strange indeed. Never underestimate the power of peer pressure! On the other hand, sometimes you just can't rewind the tape, or maybe moving to an Amish community isn't feasible. :-)
5) Trust. I think this is one of the biggest myths. I remember when I was a teenager, parents always talking about trust issues with teens. Realize that there are some urges that are just too strong for a teen to handle and of course they are going to fail. Is that a matter of them violating your trust? If your child were starving and there were a sandwich placed in front of her every single day, would you say she had violated your trust by finally eating it? Sexual urges are the same way. We adults can't even control our sexual desires without MUCH effort, so why do we expect young kids with emerging sexual desires to be expert at controlling them? The real answer is not to "trust" a teen, but to SUPERVISE a teen! Never let them be alone with the opposite sex. My tact would be to say "of course I don't trust you! I WANT you to have a strong and healthy sexual desire. That's why I have to supervise you until it's safe for you to give in to your healthy urges." :-)
6) Teens who have worthwhile pursuits are less likely to engage in sex because they are too busy and too goal oriented. Kids with nothing to do get bored and feed their sexual urges as a way to entertain themselves. Is there anything she can do after school? Does she play a musical instrument? Dance? Can she get a job? Can she volunteer? Can she take a theatre class? What can she do to re-focus her life on something more worthwhile than hanging out with an equally bored and unfocused but horny boy?
Good luck with all this. Let us know how it goes.
Last edited by chattypatty; 02-05-2010 at 11:40 AM..
4) Consider getting some counseling for yourself on how to handle this situation. Do this BEFORE you take actions like confronting her, etc.
5) Talking to the boy's family is SUCH a bad idea, unless they were good people that you knew well. I predict that the first thing they would do is call your daughter a ho. You don't want or need that. I also doubt that this boy can be "scared" into being responsible. Teens are notoriously stupid and impulsive. It's nice to try to scare them or educate them into being responsible but when it comes to the really important stuff, you need a back up plan while they are "learning," and that is 24/7 supervision.
Why does EVERYTHING need counseling?
Talking to the boy's family is a GREAT idea. I had an issue with a boy who kissed my daughter when she was 15. He was 18 at the time. The FIRST thing I did was call his mother, invite her over and had a little talk with the both of them.
He kept a BIG distance between them from then on. He did not want trouble with me or being responsible for what could happen had they had sex.
In addition, his mother was terrified of the trouble I would bring down on her son if he continued, and it wasn't because he was 18 either. I wouldn't have bothered with the police, I would have hunted him down and dealt with him myself, and he knew it.
And good luck if you try the 24/7 supervision. You know it won't work.
I PM'd the OP but thought I would put my recommendation the thread as well--is it possible for your daughter to walk/be bussed/get a ride to the school you are at--and then you can ride home together? My father was an elementary teacher and this is what I did until I could drive myself. She can work on homework, or help grade papers or clean out erasers or whatever for you while you finish up. I was lucky in that one of my best friends mom was a teacher too so we walked to the elementary together and hung out until our parents were ready to go home. This would get rid of the time alone at home.
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