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Okay, So My kids go to an amazing little school they are 3 and 4 years old. The School does many activities that celebrate and teach them about the world that surrounds them. They do faboulous projects. My mothers day projects are out of sight cool. And, sure I can expect that the Fathers Day presents will be too. Okay So as I view the upcoming events and projects on the calendar. I get to the day where it says to Bring in a Photo of your dad. an the next day is all about your dad. Now my kids are active participants in EVERYthing. Even things I forget my 4 year old reminds me of. What they learn at school they are always eager to share. Before I could pick a Picture for mom's day. He came home went to the picture book and told me he needed it for school and just took one. So with all that said here is where I'm a bit perplexed. I divorced thier father a year ago. We seperated a year before that. Besides for thier B-day in the year we were seperated. He has not called to speak with them, tried to arrange to see them or anything. It's like he just fell off the earth. I have one number to contact him on which during the very occasional times that I dial it. It goes straight to voicemail. When I want to share anything about the kids I leave a voicemail.( yes insane I know.) The last voicemail was after my son turned four this year and heard nothing still from his father. I left a message simply stating that he and I got a divorce. that didn't mean that he doesn't have kids anymore. No response, no surprise. So pretty much my kids father has been out of the picture for 2 years. So I thought they could take my Fathers picture instead. They know that he is Grandad. He is the closest thing to a father that they know. I mentioned this aloud and a co -worker stated that it would be in bad taste for me to do that. But, to not send anything. For the boys not to work on thier own projects would be very disheartning for them. Which I know they will have to realize it as they get older that they dont have a father like some of the other kids. I know millions of moms have gotten past this point. So a lil guidance...how do I soften the fact that their father is not around when it comes to these Father project days.... Do I send Grandads picture and let them carry on with the projects not missing a beat. Or do I send nothing? Or( and I hope the majority won't say it but), do I really go digging for the fathers pic and have them make projects featuring a man they don't really know? How did you other Single moms past this moment in life? I thought it would come at 6 or 7. Not at 3 and 4years old. So I'm unprepared and really don't want either of my kids left out of the activities. Oh and Taking them out of school for three days to miss the whole era is not an option. I need to work and they need school. I pray that I'm not over thinking this. I just don't want my boys to get any complexes at such a young age. I have already called and asked the teachers what will be the environment and she shared my concern. But also shared that they do make a big fuss over fathers day just as they do mothers day. So to not take anything from the other childeren. There is only one other student that does not have a father. She says that If while discussing dads that she when it is my boys turn she can skip them or encourage them to discuss about the grandfather. I know being skipped will leave my son feeling very left out.... It's only that I do like to look at things from all sides...I don't agree with it but I do understand when my co-worker stated that I am covering the truth by sending my fathers picture. But should kids get used to just not having at the age of three and four? Is there a right and wrong with this? I may just be being emotional instead of rational. (please excuse errors stubbed finger and keep forgetting that it is ultra sensitive.)
why can't they do their own father's picture? If they make up stories about him or tell what they remember of him, it is their daddy. I grew up without a father in the picture. I would have gotten offended if somebody would have told me to do my grandaddy instead of my daddy on a school project. Maybe give your son the option and let him choose how he wants to participate. Ignoring that he has a father, even if the father chooses to MIA doesn't make it any easier on the child(ren).
I see no issue with sending in grandpops picture. My sister went through this with her two until remarrying when they were 10 and 11. Their father was non-existent from the time they were 3 and 4. She would usually talk to the teacher about what the project would entail and then let them pick their grandpop or an uncle to use instead. It wasn't as if her kids didn't know the situation and they felt it was cool to be unique and do something to honor one of the men that was active in their life. Generally they picked grandpop and he would take off work to go to their class if that's what was needed and all was right in the world.
I don't think you should keep them from participating or hide the truth. A father is far more than the person who donated your genetic material and your kids will probably have fun talking about grandpop and myabe even learning more about him in preparation for the project. Afterall, they live this reality everyday and they should never be afraid/embarassed of who they are and what their family is made of.
If it is an event that requires someone to attend then I would go with grandpa. If it is just a craft then I would give him a picture of his dad. In our pre-school they usually say that a related male attends not necessarily a father. I know of one child whose father passed away and I am sure his uncle will attend.
I think folks need to read a little deeper into the OP's post. The children are now 3 and 4, but their father has had virtually no contact with them outside of a phone call when the parents first separated 2 years ago when they were about 1 and 2. I think both of the kids would be hard pressed to even remember what their father looked like, let alone anything to say about him. I know my son who is 5 can't remember much except for vague details about things when he was younger than 3.
This isn't like the parents just divorced and it's only been a few months since dad's been around, in which case I would say use dad's picture. These kids haven't seen/heard from dad in over half their life, so you need to put it into perspective. I think grandpop is the best way to go.
So pretty much my kids father has been out of the picture for 2 years. So I thought they could take my Fathers picture instead. They know that he is Grandad. He is the closest thing to a father that they know.
The kids have a father and they know it. Why make them feel they are different than anyone else who has a dad? Don't erase him from their lives, it's bad enough that he has. Sending in a picture of their grandfather or nothing at all will tell them they don't have a dad. WRONG THING TO DO. Send a picture of their father.
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Originally Posted by ChangedEssence
Which I know they will have to realize it as they get older that they dont have a father like some of the other kids.
Yes, they do. Because he's not there doesn't mean he doesn't exist. Give them the chance to grow up and decide whether find him and call him on not being around. Give them a chance to make their father accountable for not being there for them. Don't make them think he never existed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChangedEssence
I know millions of moms have gotten past this point. So a lil guidance...how do I soften the fact that their father is not around when it comes to these Father project days.... Do I send Grandads picture and let them carry on with the projects not missing a beat. Or do I send nothing? Or( and I hope the majority won't say it but), do I really go digging for the fathers pic and have them make projects featuring a man they don't really know?
That's exactly what you should do.
My daughter did a lot of growing without her dad. He's away alot.
If their father must be hated by them, they will do that all by themselves. You shouldn't help them out in that area. You should not speak ill of him to them. Kids come to their own conclusions, albeit not always the accurate ones, but the one that they can live with nonetheless.
By you not sending a photo of their father YOU are making them different.
NoExcuses, I generally agree with a lot of things you have to say, but think you're a little off on this one. The kids never really knew their father given how long he has been out of their lives and their ages. I agree that they shouldn't be shielded from knowing who their father is forever or be denied the opportunity to know to try and know him in some way if that is what they want. However, they are very young right now and while they should know the situation in simple terms, they may not be prepared to deal with the questions in public.
I know the kind of project the OP is talking about as my son just did one for Mother's Day and is doing the same for Father's Day. They had very long and detailed discussions about the parents. From their favorite food, show, game, etc. to naming their favorite memory about the parent. They assembled little books and made pictures, etc. it was really cute and I'm looking forward to the Father's Day one.
However, do you think it's appropriate that the OP's kids should be forced to sit in class and asked to answer questions about a man they really don't know anything about? Little Johnny, what's your Dad's favourite food? I don't know. Little Johnny what's the best memory you have of your dad? I don't know. I think the kids would be far more comfortable and happy talking about someone who does mean something to them and is involved in their life like their grandpop.
It doesn't mean they should never know who their father is or have that part of them wiped out and that is a whole other discussion, but it really isn't a situation that 3 and 4 year olds need to be thrust into and required to explain in school. They can go in prepared to say that their daddy doesn't live with them anymore and they haven't seen him in a long time, but we are very close with our grandpop and want to share about him. What's the harm?
NoExcuses, I generally agree with a lot of things you have to say, but think you're a little off on this one. The kids never really knew their father given how long he has been out of their lives and their ages. I agree that they shouldn't be shielded from knowing who their father is forever or be denied the opportunity to know to try and know him in some way if that is what they want. However, they are very young right now and while they should know the situation in simple terms, they may not be prepared to deal with the questions in public.
I know the kind of project the OP is talking about as my son just did one for Mother's Day and is doing the same for Father's Day. They had very long and detailed discussions about the parents. From their favorite food, show, game, etc. to naming their favorite memory about the parent. They assembled little books and made pictures, etc. it was really cute and I'm looking forward to the Father's Day one.
However, do you think it's appropriate that the OP's kids should be forced to sit in class and asked to answer questions about a man they really don't know anything about? Little Johnny, what's your Dad's favourite food? I don't know. Little Johnny what's the best memory you have of your dad? I don't know. I think the kids would be far more comfortable and happy talking about someone who does mean something to them and is involved in their life like their grandpop.
It doesn't mean they should never know who their father is or have that part of them wiped out and that is a whole other discussion, but it really isn't a situation that 3 and 4 year olds need to be thrust into and required to explain in school. They can go in prepared to say that their daddy doesn't live with them anymore and they haven't seen him in a long time, but we are very close with our grandpop and want to share about him. What's the harm?
We're usually on the same page, but I've raised two daughters with absent fathers (divorce w/first one, job with second). One seventeen years before the second. Although both have fathers, both from marriage, both did not know their fathers at all. The oldest spent a few weeks with hers each summer. The remainder of the year she did not hear from him. The younger's father is kept away due to work with little to no contact.
It's heartbreaking when a child doesn't have contact with a parent, but it's life. The bigger deal that is made about this, the more the child feels different and singled out. If the mother just rolls with this, the children will not see it as a big deal.
Mine always brought their Father's Day gift home and gave them to me.
My oldest (grown with children) now sees her father from time to time. Usually when she wants something from him. They don't really have much of a relationship, but they do know each other a little now. I never made him disappear to her, and let her ask about him when she needed to. I think it was harder on me than it was for her because she knew nothing other than the way things were.
All the OP would need to do is talk to the teacher and the child. The OP could tell her child to answer as a wish of what he wants or what he guesses the answer would be, or the involved parent could get a list of what is needed and sit down with her child and discuss some of the positive aspects of his father. The father may be scum of the earth, but he can't be 100% bad if he fathered two great boys. The boys should know some of the good stuff.
If a parent is completely ignored during young childhood, the lines of communication from the child about the missing parent are difficult to broach in the future, creating a chasm between the involved parent and the child.
As an adult, I know that my father just isn't able to be the father I want. I am okay with that now, but as a child I dreamed of being a daddy's girl. To be told that I was supposed to substitute my grandaddy's (or later stepfather's) picture for my father, I would have been crushed.
Very insightful posts by both of you and I honestly never saw it that way.
My only direct experience with this was my older sister and her two kids. In their case dad went away and never came back. He never wanted contact and did his best to disappear so he'd never be found. My sister always made sure the kids knew the good about their father and what their background was. As they got older she fielded the questions about what happened as diplomatically as possible. When my sister remarried her new husband became their father and they never thought twice about it. They always knew the truth and were never lied to. However, when these sorts of projects came up between their dad's disappearance and their stepdad, they generally preferred to make things for grandpop or one of their uncles, whoever they felt was special to them.
It seems to me like the best course of action is to talk to the teacher and find out what exactly is involved and go from there. Obviously the kids know their dad exists and was a part of their lives, so maybe this is a good way for them to stay connected to and learn about him. My first instinct was to say to substitute another male role model, but maybe using their dad would be good for them. I certainly don't have much personal experience in this and it is interesting to see how others have handled it.
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I may just be being emotional instead of rational. (please excuse errors stubbed finger and keep forgetting that it is ultra sensitive.)
