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Maybe you're being too uptight about television and video games and cooking perfect meals instead of focusing on the important things.
If some parents allow the television to be on some of the time or have toys and games for the kids that are fun, and everyone is HAPPY - why is that so bad? So what if you eat more simply and have a less stressed and cheerful home? A lot of happy parents converse with their children - about all sorts of topics and children can be more sophisticated about many topics when given the opportunity.
I've known childless people who tried working from home and complained about the same thing - lack of conversation. One guy's job was very cerebral and what he missed he said was the laughing in the break room, the joking around at work, even the mindless chatter because there were no breaks in the solitude and cerebral without co-workers around. He said even what used to bug him at work, he missed when he tried working from home.
Once a child is 3, you can have cerebral conversations with them. When they ask why the sky is blue, or how do birds fly, you have plenty of opportunity for cerebral conversations. And as for those other mothers - maybe what seems like mindless chatter really isn't, and in the long run, when it's all said and done - say in 50 years from now, were the so-called cerebral conversations all that much more meaningful than the playgroup moms' conversations?
There are many thoughtful and informative posts on this thread, that have expressed quite eloquently what I would have said, so I'm not going to add to it apart from this: I was 42 when I had my child. I'm 45 now. When I attend her high school graduation, or at any time prior to that, I dare anyone to call me her grandmother. Really, they'd better not.
I have a child from a previous marriage when I was 24. I adore him and loved being a mother but it was not all such a great experience. I was still in college, was in a rocky marriage, had some health problems, and there were always issues with finances and struggles with daycare. While I think it is ideal to have children when one is younger, life is not always ideal. There are OFTEN very specific problems associated with parenting a family while young, not the least of which is financial insecurity and emotional immaturity.
Now I'm in a second marriage which is very happy and very stable, I have a strong supportive religious network, I am finished with my "career," my husband is retired, we are financially stable though not rich by any means. We are older than you are and we have twin babies who are the light of our lives. I actually have MORE energy now than I did when I was 24 and raising my firstborn, because I have very few stresses in my life and I stay home, and both of us are in good health. We both look young for our age as well, though I don't think this is all that important. Age is age, after all. What is important is health.
Children are a blessing to us. They are our highest priority, our highest value, our most precious resource. Our only regret is that we didn't meet earlier in life -- then we could have had even more children. Do what is right for your family. Life is unpredictable. Young parents can also die early or have accidents. Same for grandparents. Nothing is guaranteed.
Do go straight to a fertility doctor -- do not pass Go! Forget about your wife's OB, as most of them are woefully ignorant about infertility. Generally the advice is to wait 6 months before seeing a reproductive endocrinologist if one is over 35. I say, don't waste the 6 months. As for Down's syndrome, the risk is 1 in 50 births for a woman age 44 -- in percentages, this is 2%. That means your wife has a better than 98% chance of having a child WITHOUT Down's. There are some studies showing that bipolar disorder and autism rates are higher in men who become fathers after age 40 or 45, but I certainly wouldn't adopt (as another poster suggested) as an alternative just based on those studies.
Furthermore, I am kind of surprised at some of the negative reactions regarding your age because 40 is really pretty standard these days in terms of the career professionals, for starting a family. Probably also depends on where you live -- I'll bet in Manhattan, you'd be considered a young parent!
One thing to note about your OP on this thread. You mentioned that way in the past, parents were able to depend on their families to help raise their kids. Now, you say that parents are moving away from these families and are forced to use playgroups, activities, etc - but you make it sound like the fault of the parent, at least how I am taking it.
My husband and I moved away from our families, due to jobs, and not being able to afford a house where we came from (NY). However, even if we stayed... our own parents WORK. On their weekends, they meet friends for dinner, travel, or work. Grandparents no longer sit around at home knitting and helping raise their grandkids - heck, have you visited the grandparent board on this forum, where there is a ton of griping about "babysitting" their grandkids when they'd rather be on a cruise and enjoying their retirement?
A lot of parents don't have a choice in this matter. If we stayed up north, we'd still be on our own. As it is, my neighborhood doesn't have a lot of children, so when the time comes, hopefully trips to the town playground will help them to socialize. I don't like the thought of playdates, myself, and hope our kids utilize our front and back yards, but it might be hard to meet kids if these kids are nowhere to be found.
It isn't unusual for people to have children at older ages. If you want a baby, start practicing making one and stop overthinking it. If we all only had children if everything was perfect or just such a way, most of us would never get to it. It's all about giving and love ♥
I am 42 with a 17 yr old and 13 yr old. You couldn't chase me down to voluntarily give me a baby. Not no but hell no. I am about to get my problem child over 18.. and the younger one is just getting practice at it. But that really isn't what you asked.. you wanted to know about NEW parents. Good luck to ya.
Yeah, but you started when you were 25! I knew I didn't want kids when I was that age. It sounds like you are done with them.
As I got older, met the right person, we started talking about kids. I knew we shared the same values, morals, discipline tactics, etc so I then considered the idea but said we'd wait a few years after marriage. And we did, and it has been great.
What I am saying, is, it is all about timing. The OP and his wife have both been thinking about it and both seem to be in the same place about it, also as one gets older, there seems to be more patience. This won't be an "accident" baby, a "trying to save marriage" baby, but a "good timing" baby.
I say, start now, do amnios, and don't look back.
We had our babies when we were older. DH was over 40 and I was fast approaching. Not a big deal at all. We have no regrets that I hear from younger parents about what all they missed in their twenties.
We are able to do more with and for our kids due to the positions we have earned at work. For example, we both have huge amounts of vacation time that we did not have first starting out. We will be able to retire a few years after the youngest graduates from college. And, we will still be young enough to enjoy the reduced responsibilities and have more time to enjoy our family.
The risks for birth defects is real, but please talk with your wife's ob to get the FACTS, and not rely on urban myths or hearsay.
In the end, there are pros and cons for either having them younger or having them older.
Those who have them while they're young will miss out on the parties, the dancing, the clubs, the early start of their careers - if they are spending time with their kids. For a young couple, the costs can be difficult plus young parents can be impatient with kids - but some do just fine, they can give up certain kinds of travel to enjoy family trips, camping, and other family activities, and then their kids grow up and move away when the parents are still quite young and then they gain their freedom.
For older parents it can be difficult also because they may find it hard to adapt to the pitter patter of little feet, they may be accustomed to traveling and socializing - but then they might be ready to give a lot of that up.
Some never want kids and then there are those who have them in their 20s, 30s, and 40s - they like them so much they just have a lot of them. It really comes down to what someone wants - how important raising a kid for 18 or so years is to them. -- However no matter how old someone is, if they are quite rigid, want everything perfect in their homes, don't want to adapt and relax some things, never want to argue with a 3 year old or 15 year old - then they might consider not having kids.
To add on to the post I wrote before, my sister had her first and probably only child at age 38. Her boyfriend was a complete flake, although when she was considering giving up the little one for adoption, he begged her to keep their child. To make a long story short, she had a normal pregnancy, except the baby was born one month early. Our little bundle of joy was very tiny, but had no complications. This past year in preschool, her teachers thought her pronunciation was behind where it should be, but my sister took her to a speech specialist, and was told not to worry, and in fact my little niece had a very good vocabulary for such a young child. She wasn't planned for, but in my sister's case, our little sweetie has brought us nothing but delight and joy, even in not the best circumstances at the beginning. She has a modest life, since only one parent providing for her, but everything she needs, and for the most part, even wants.
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