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[quote=TracySam;18028994]I end up disengaging myself from people like this. For me it's the bigger picture of not being able to remain friends with someone who has values that are so different from mine. It goes beyond just the value of financial responsibility to other values as well.
I feel like the ant in that old fable about the ant & the grasshopper. I'm preparing and saving, forgoing luxuries in the present for a more secure future. when that "grasshopper" person is at a low point, I will not be the one to bail them out, and it's easier to prevent them from even asking if I've already distanced myself. I have disengaged from people who overspend on cars, trips, credit cards, huge houses they can't afford. Especially when they say anything remotely critical of my more modest lifestyle. "You're making more money now, why don't you sell you little house and get a bigger one?" "Why don't you just take money out of your 401k?" "Ew, I couldn't go more than 2 weeks without having my nails done at a salon." Any time I hear a comment like that, it's one more nail in the friendship coffin. I might try to set a good example, and give subtle advice, but that can only go on for so long.
I see it as similar to when I disengaged from a former friend who constantly cheated on her husband.
When your values and mine are that different, we don't have enough in common to be friends anymore.[/quote]
You are absolutly correct. KUDOS for this post, I am the same.
I bascialoly don't base my firendships on gettig that much into toehrs fiances. I have friends that I have had for deacdes which I can always turn to for help and have ;btoh ways. But i all thsi time only once has one ask for a short terms loan and he paid it back quickly.The other help was much beyong a short term loan and had no paybck to it. Freids have been one of the highlight s of mu life being 63 now.
Unfortunately I have had to deal with this too, from my own family. Most of the time, I hear nothing from my sister or mom except when they need money. The few phone calls I do get: "Hey I need $100 for this" and maybe a week or two later: "Hey I need to know if you can transfer $16 for this". Its always the same thing, need something for this, and need something for that. My sister has 5 kids and though her husband works, the mortgage notes they are dealing with is draining them, plus the van payment that they have.
Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem helping if I am able to but if not, then I just can't. And usually when I tell them that I get called selfish and they try to put the guilt trips on me. Then they think that I had the money but holding out on them. Since I am the only person that works hard each week, why is it that they have to make their emergency MY EMERGENCY? If they can't figure out what they need to do to change their situation, then I am not going to budge, and I feel that I shouldn't have to. It's not my job to take care of everyone else's money problems and putting my own life on hold because of it.
Well, in fact, friends and finances should be separated for sure. Let them live their own way and don't give them any advice. It will just ruin your relationships. Besides, try not to borrow money to close people, including friends and relatives as this can become a total damage of your friendship. In fact, some experts even state that it's really harmful to make any connection between friends and finances by means of borrowing or lending. At least there are a lot of financial services and options which can be used in order to get some extra cash.
Last edited by JustJulia; 04-06-2011 at 05:35 AM..
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Since I am the only person that works hard each week, why is it that they have to make their emergency MY EMERGENCY? If they can't figure out what they need to do to change their situation, then I am not going to budge, and I feel that I shouldn't have to. It's not my job to take care of everyone else's money problems and putting my own life on hold because of it.
The old phrase, "Lack of planning on your part does not cause an emergency for me," really comes to mind here. You're doing the right thing by denying them and not enabling their bad habits.
The old phrase, "Lack of planning on your part does not cause an emergency for me," really comes to mind here. You're doing the right thing by denying them and not enabling their bad habits.
That is a very heartless phrase to apply to family. Because my brother or sister's emergencies are also my emergencies if I can help. Because we're family and if we can't depend on each other than who can we depend on?
But, and this is a big but - when you have family that seems completely unable to support themselves, something has to happen. Throwing more money won't fix anything long-term
I half-agree with you. There's a difference between actual emergencies and "emergencies" people create themselves.
If a family member suddenly gets hit by a bus, and they can't suport their family temporarily. That's an emergency, and I'll be more than glad to jump in and help.
But if the "emergency" is a family member can't pay their mortgage payment and they have a flat screen TV, an Ipod, 2 leased cars, huge credit cards debts, and they just got back from vacation. That's no "emergency" that I feel any responsibility to help with.
Even the guy getting hit by a bus--I'd ask, did he put away savings, did he have adequate insurance, did he prepare? I'd probably give someone like that one pass. One. But when someone suddenly gets laid-off, for example, why did they not sock away several months of money for an emergency? I don't have a great salary, but I live modestly, and have enough food & money put away to last a year. Sure, I may step in and help the person, once, but with that help will come my opinions on preparing for the future and for catastrophes.
Well, I got asked once by a family member "Can you transfer me $16 so that I can go get my nails done, been wanting to do that for awhile".....umm no that's not an emergency or priority.
I have the same problem, they are all uneployed, I still have a job. Despite the fact that they laughed at me for working 60 or more hours a week, when I am only paid for 40 hours. I still have a job, they don't..the problem is...they have no money to do anything. So, you want to meet for a drink, they tell you about all of their financial problems, and finding a job problems, and so...I pick up the check...out of guilt? I don't know...but they are all wrapped up in their issues...and I don't want to be stuck with paying the bill all the time...so, I am done being friends with the unemployed. Sorry, but it is true. Harsh new reality of the times. Those people drag you down, they are depressed, bitter, and broke. Don't have a job? Don't ask me out for a drink...
Had a friend that I've distanced myself from that would pull this. We were going to ball games that his dad gave him tickets for. He wanted to have some pregame drinks at a local Gentlemans club. I wasn't in the mood and said maybe afterward so we went to a bar near the stadium. I bought beers at the bar and the game. After the game he asked me for money for the tickets. He said he wazs broke and really needed it. I told him to xxx off, and was angry that thereason he wanted to go to the Gents club is because he thought that since i was making 'good money' it wouldn't be a big deal to treat him. As another guy he knows has taken him there before.
As you know by now, people don't like advice. EVEN WHEN THEY ASK FOR IT, they still don't like the advice because it's usually not what they want to hear. But your friends should know your stand on the issues based on what you've told them. They're not likely to pester you for financial refuge.
I have friends who've always blown money, who "live" on credit cards. Others have the stupid tendency to give or loan money to family leeches, then complain about being taken advantage of. They all know my opinions on that bulls-it. But, it's their lives not mine and they're Baby Boomers who should know better.
Honestly, I think a lot of them actually enjoy the co-dependency from their adult children as a means to "keep them close".
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