Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
the problem is today few couples or singles can take the financial hit of providing care at home for someone
that can mean one of them has to give up their job or cut hours
there is a huge social hit as well as many here can tell you that usually leads to big family fights as one sibling steps up to the plate and the others step back .
it can lead to major stresses in marriage so putting yourself in the position of having others have to care for you when you really need professional help is not only not a great idea but pretty selfish.
by the time someone needs a skilled nursing facility they are beyond amatuer care
I am lost, this doesn't seem to address my post. Was this for someone else? I think you mis-read it.
This has nothing to do with grown kids taking a financial/social hit. It is planning for your own LTC needs without including your children. It's making friends with others who are fairly poor, yet genuine & honest, and providing them a very inexpensive place to live on your property well ahead of time. As stated, if you attend church, it could be advantageous. Meaning you already know them well. Charge lower rent, they'll also likey be holding min wage jobs so you then trade for extra help around the home. As your health deteriorates, start paying them for extra help-Cooking, cleaning, and help to shower if needed, Grocery shop. It might be wise to have a few houses on your property to do this with so they can share the responsibility. We have a few people at church who do this right now, as we speak
"Professional help" only equates to some mexican or phillipino lady who barely speaks english to help you at your LTC facility. You get a less quality person who has no emotional investment in you whatsoever. Not to mention the next pestilence which scares the staff enough not to show up for work, then you wither away being held hostage not able to see or communicate with famiiy that you are dying and there is no one there to help you, just a lady up front preventing people from entering.
the problem is today few couples or singles can take the financial hit of providing care at home for someone
that can mean one of them has to give up their job or cut hours
there is a huge social hit as well as many here can tell you that usually leads to big family fights as one sibling steps up to the plate and the others step back .
it can lead to major stresses in marriage so putting yourself in the position of having others have to care for you when you really need professional help is not only not a great idea but pretty selfish.
by the time someone needs a skilled nursing facility they are beyond amatuer care.
working a deal with joe the gardner isn’t a solution
There is a reason LTCi is relatively cheaper for married couples than for singles. It is that - push come to shove - most simply don't want to move to a AL or SNF when there is an 'available' caregiver at home. Policies are often constructed so if one partner doesn't use the benefits the other can, reducing the impetus to use the policy for in-home aides.
Net result: business-as-usual, which per their pricing insurance companies figured out. For singles, very often there's no choice resulting in higher policy usages - hence their proportionally higher premiums.
ETA:
More, part of the reason many choose to care for elders at home instead of a SNF is for *better* care, certainly at the caregiving level that prevents physical deterioration. Not everyone in a SNF needs 24-hour skilled monitoring and if they did, God help them. Combinations of Medicare + supplemental insurance policies will cover weekly SNF and PT/OT visits for largely immobile patients.
Last edited by EveryLady; 11-26-2023 at 04:50 PM..
"Professional help" only equates to some mexican or phillipino lady who barely speaks english to help you at your LTC facility. You get a less quality person who has no emotional investment in you whatsoever
I don’t have much experience in these matters, but when my mother-in-law was failing health and was in the last months of her life, she made it clear that she did not want to go to any sort of facility. She had resources so arrangements were made for her to have someone come to the house everyday to take care of her….helping her bathe, use the bathroom, get dressed, made sure she took her medicine, etc. She also did some cooking for her and some very light cleaning. I don’t know if I can say the woman who took care of her (she was from Jamaica as I recall) had an “emotional investment” in her, but she seemed to do her job conscientiously, professionally, dependably, and by all appearances and actions tried to do whatever she could to make my mother-in-law comfortable and live with some dignity at the end. I realize this is a sample size of 1, but there appear to be some care providers who take their responsibilities seriously. I’m sure others have had experiences completely contrary to what I saw….luck of the draw I suppose.
The other thing that struck me was how my wife still looks back on those days with a period of regret/guilt. I know she thinks she should have been the person to provide that care, but instead was part of the decision to “outsource” it. Like many families, there can be issues between parents and children. With the added stress of caring for someone dying, I can see why it makes a lot of sense to make sure your loved ones are cared for, but not be the direct provider of that care. On the other hand, I can also see understand how one might look back on doing that with some mixed emotions. It’s certainly not easy.
I don’t have much experience in these matters, but when my mother-in-law was failing health and was in the last months of her life, she made it clear that she did not want to go to any sort of facility. She had resources so arrangements were made for her to have someone come to the house everyday to take care of her….helping her bathe, use the bathroom, get dressed, made sure she took her medicine, etc. She also did some cooking for her and some very light cleaning. I don’t know if I can say the woman who took care of her (she was from Jamaica as I recall) had an “emotional investment” in her, but she seemed to do her job conscientiously, professionally, dependably, and by all appearances and actions tried to do whatever she could to make my mother-in-law comfortable and live with some dignity at the end. I realize this is a sample size of 1, but there appear to be some care providers who take their responsibilities seriously. I’m sure others have had experiences completely contrary to what I saw….luck of the draw I suppose.
The other thing that struck me was how my wife still looks back on those days with a period of regret/guilt. I know she thinks she should have been the person to provide that care, but instead was part of the decision to “outsource” it. Like many families, there can be issues between parents and children. With the added stress of caring for someone dying, I can see why it makes a lot of sense to make sure your loved ones are cared for, but not be the direct provider of that care. On the other hand, I can also see understand how one might look back on doing that with some mixed emotions. It’s certainly not easy.
I understand your wife's regrets though they are unfounded since she did help ensure she was well cared for.
I fear having those same regrets being estranged from my Mother. I am afraid of her for good reason but won't go into it. How can I help care for her without doing any hands on? She has $ to hire people so I am certain, that's the answer. However, I am certain I will feel some regret not being part of the actual hands on caregiving.
We have a major shortage of caregivers here hence the emotional investment comment. It wasn't related ot her race except often, they can be difficult to communicate with due to the language barrier. That's our experience with outside help regarding my in-laws and knowledge of the caregivers sent to the house. We had two at once. I helped with hands on care 2x a week, un-paid, so I have no regrets. I loved them both very much. Your area may not be similar so you need not worry about having enough care-givers, no real competition so the caregiver being emotionally invested may not matter.
I don’t have much experience in these matters, but when my mother-in-law was failing health and was in the last months of her life, she made it clear that she did not want to go to any sort of facility. She had resources so arrangements were made for her to have someone come to the house everyday to take care of her….helping her bathe, use the bathroom, get dressed, made sure she took her medicine, etc. She also did some cooking for her and some very light cleaning. I don’t know if I can say the woman who took care of her (she was from Jamaica as I recall) had an “emotional investment” in her, but she seemed to do her job conscientiously, professionally, dependably, and by all appearances and actions tried to do whatever she could to make my mother-in-law comfortable and live with some dignity at the end. I realize this is a sample size of 1, but there appear to be some care providers who take their responsibilities seriously. I’m sure others have had experiences completely contrary to what I saw….luck of the draw I suppose.
The other thing that struck me was how my wife still looks back on those days with a period of regret/guilt. I know she thinks she should have been the person to provide that care, but instead was part of the decision to “outsource” it. Like many families, there can be issues between parents and children. With the added stress of caring for someone dying, I can see why it makes a lot of sense to make sure your loved ones are cared for, but not be the direct provider of that care. On the other hand, I can also see understand how one might look back on doing that with some mixed emotions. It’s certainly not easy.
I don't know if you are Christian or not but maybe you could pass this onto your wife. Jesus didn't stay on this earth long enough to do the hands on care of his own mother. Instead, Jesus made provision for his own mother's care asking John the Baptist to look after her. Mary was a widow at that time, so had no husband but did have other children. I think your wife did plenty ensuring, in person, that her mother was well cared for.
I don't know if you are Christian or not but maybe you could pass this onto your wife. Jesus didn't stay on this earth long enough to do the hands on care of his own mother. Instead, Jesus made provision for his own mother's care asking John the Baptist to look after her. Mary was a widow at that time, so had no husband but did have other children. I think your wife did plenty ensuring, in person, that her mother was well cared for.
Thank you for the kind thoughts. I’ll share them with her.
I understand your wife's regrets though they are unfounded since she did help ensure she was well cared for.
I fear having those same regrets being estranged from my Mother. I am afraid of her for good reason but won't go into it. How can I help care for her without doing any hands on? She has $ to hire people so I am certain, that's the answer. However, I am certain I will feel some regret not being part of the actual hands on caregiving.
We have a major shortage of caregivers here hence the emotional investment comment. It wasn't related ot her race except often, they can be difficult to communicate with due to the language barrier. That's our experience with outside help regarding my in-laws and knowledge of the caregivers sent to the house. We had two at once. I helped with hands on care 2x a week, un-paid, so I have no regrets. I loved them both very much. Your area may not be similar so you need not worry about having enough care-givers, no real competition so the caregiver being emotionally invested may not matter.
I had a very difficult, abusive mother. Yet I made sure she was well cared for. I visited and brought supplies (Costco runs) - just checked up on her every-other day for NINE YEARS - I made sure she had all of her needs taken care of, and then some. I wanted to add "fun" to her life via arrangements to go to movies, etc., but she wasn't interested. In the end, I feel so proud I was truly able to step up to the plate. I felt it was my moral duty and because she had $$$, it was possible for me to "just" manage (oversaw everything, did her taxes, management all of her bills, etc.) This was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life!!!!!!!!
I had a very difficult, abusive mother. Yet I made sure she was well cared for. I visited and brought supplies (Costco runs) - just checked up on her every-other day for NINE YEARS - I made sure she had all of her needs taken care of, and then some. I wanted to add "fun" to her life via arrangements to go to movies, etc., but she wasn't interested. In the end, I feel so proud I was truly able to step up to the plate. I felt it was my moral duty and because she had $$$, it was possible for me to "just" manage (oversaw everything, did her taxes, management all of her bills, etc.) This was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life!!!!!!!!
Good for you. I am proud of you too, most wouldn't have helped their mom under those circumstances
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
