How To Drive In Phoenix (Pima, Maricopa: crime, mattresses, hotel)

[AksarbeN]

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS. There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will included in the advanced course.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered “Wussy”.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelins, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the I-10 are the same road. SR202 is the same road as the Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. SR101 is also the Pima FWY except for I-17 where it becomes the Aqua Fria (pronounced AHWA FREE A) FWY. I-17 is also the Black Canyon FWY and the Veterans Memorial HWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but , Cactus Rd. doesn’t become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been accidentally activated.

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be `flipped off` accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

[SpeedyAZ]

And the worst part of it all.....IT'S ALL TRUE!

You can't forget that every so often you'll see a truck full of Hispanics weaving all over the road, sometimes drinking beer. I have a few more:

13. Stopping at a red light is considered optional as long as there is no traffic in the intersection at that moment.

14. Driving a crotch-rocket gives you the right to weave in and out of traffic while pissing everyone else off.

15. If you drive a BMW, you will likely be cut off, cursed at, ran off the road, and possibly shot.

[irwin]

The crotch rocket comment is so true...grrr.

16. If you are in the West Valley, beware of crazy old people in golf carts. They have the right of way and if they didn't, they would take it regardless.

[sablebaby]

I can't believe how true these are!

I especially like # 2 and 11. VERY TRUE!

[Steve-o]

LOL

Traffic? Its seriously not bad down there, really. Those who have lived in LA, NYC, Chicago, Houston, Dallas, etc laugh at the notion of "heavy traffic" in PHX. Put it this way. On the way to the Blackhawks game last Friday, it took me 1.5 hours to go, get this, 6 miles. And thats w/o snow and/or an accident. We have double the population (in Chicagoland alone) in about the same land area, perhaps smaller. Take two reality pills and call me in the morning. LOL

You want crazy? Try driving in Chicago in a blizzard, with 9 million other people trying to get home. All the while fighting to keep your car on the road, while inching past a mammoth plow truck flinging up snow and salt on your windows, while some jerk in a Hummer flies by doing 50 mph in 12" of snow. Fight that crap day in and day out and you earn some wings. Then deal with groups of crotch rockets busting wheelies at 100+ mph right on the expressways, its a daily occurance. In all honesty, PHX traffic would be a dream come true to me. Ive been in "jams" on the 101 coming back from a D-back game. My FIL was whining about it and I was laughing to myself thinking "HUH? The suburbs of Chicago have worse traffic than this!" LOL Its not a traffic jam until you can actually get out of your car and finish a smoke before you can move 5 ft again.

[HX_Guy]

Haha I completely agree with you Steve-o. Phoenix has some traffic but really it's still just during 6:30 - 8:30 AM or so and 3:30 - 5:30 in the evening.

I've been to LA many times and stayed at a hotel that overlooked the freeway and on a SUNDAY morning, it was gridlocked, with no accident! Also you'll be driving on the freeway doing 75 MPH and suddently everyone will slam on their brakes, and a backup will follow...that clears a bit after with no apparant reason as to what caused it, no accident or anything.

People here in Phoenix are spoiled and really forget what it's like in other places. It happens when you live somewhere for a long time and get used to everything, you tend to forget how good you might have it.

...I can relate a bit, I had to wake up to an alarm clock a few days ago at 6:30 AM, damn how crappy that was. I havn't had to do that in years.

[irwin]

Originally Posted by Steve-o

LOL

Traffic? Its seriously not bad down there, really. Those who have lived in LA, NYC, Chicago, Houston, Dallas, etc laugh at the notion of "heavy traffic" in PHX. Put it this way. On the way to the Blackhawks game last Friday, it took me 1.5 hours to go, get this, 6 miles. And thats w/o snow and/or an accident. We have double the population (in Chicagoland alone) in about the same land area, perhaps smaller. Take two reality pills and call me in the morning. LOL

You want crazy? Try driving in Chicago in a blizzard, with 9 million other people trying to get home. All the while fighting to keep your car on the road, while inching past a mammoth plow truck flinging up snow and salt on your windows, while some jerk in a Hummer flies by doing 50 mph in 12" of snow. Fight that crap day in and day out and you earn some wings. Then deal with groups of crotch rockets busting wheelies at 100+ mph right on the expressways, its a daily occurance. In all honesty, PHX traffic would be a dream come true to me. Ive been in "jams" on the 101 coming back from a D-back game. My FIL was whining about it and I was laughing to myself thinking "HUH? The suburbs of Chicago have worse traffic than this!" LOL Its not a traffic jam until you can actually get out of your car and finish a smoke before you can move 5 ft again.

I think the main problem here is that people live 30+ miles from where they work and thus, even with moderate traffic, it takes them forever to get anywhere.

[sablebaby]

Originally Posted by HX_Guy

Haha I completely agree with you Steve-o. Phoenix has some traffic but really it's still just during 6:30 - 8:30 AM or so and 3:30 - 5:30 in the evening.

I've been to LA many times and stayed at a hotel that overlooked the freeway and on a SUNDAY morning, it was gridlocked, with no accident! Also you'll be driving on the freeway doing 75 MPH and suddently everyone will slam on their brakes, and a backup will follow...that clears a bit after with no apparant reason as to what caused it, no accident or anything.

People here in Phoenix are spoiled and really forget what it's like in other places. It happens when you live somewhere for a long time and get used to everything, you tend to forget how good you might have it.

...I can relate a bit, I had to wake up to an alarm clock a few days ago at 6:30 AM, damn how crappy that was. I havn't had to do that in years.

HX Guy, you work from home. How often do you need to commute in regular traffic? If you had to deal with this EVERYDAY you would most likely complain as well.

[Steve-o]

Well, the way I see it, is we can all say what we want, right? I didnt say anything bad, just telling it like it is. I saw the thread and had a chuckle. Its not really that bad down there, so why make it sound so horrible? I spend at least 2-3 weeks down there every year, sometimes more. Been doing this for YEARS now. So I think that more than makes me qualified to respond and offer my POV. Ive been into PHX probably a 100 times or more, and the traffic isnt horrid. Sure it gets snarled and all, just like every other city, but you guys make it sound like its MadMax down there, which it isnt. A handful of jerk drivers everyday is the norm, anywhere you live. Heck, Im sure Anchorage folks complain about it too! LOL I wasnt trying to start crap, so dont take it that way. To anyone who thinks the traffic and drivers are bad, I offer them to visit ANY major city where the drivers are ALOT worse and ALOT less courteous. Ive actually found driving down there quite pleasant. LOL Call me crazy, but guess Im just used to horrid traffic up here?

Long story short, there definitely is alot of traffic down there, but nothing any other city of 1.5 million encounters. The problems I had down there were mainly with old retirees driving TOO SLOW. LOL For its size, PHX's traffic isnt bad. Reading this post (humorous as it is) was like reading about BillyJoeBob in Podunk, IA complaining about how bad the crime is there, based on a few small incidences. Sure its there, but its ALWAYS there, no matter where you live, and will always be there. Heck, at least you guys have traffic cameras down there to encourage people to slow down and actually stop at red lights. Here they do the opposite....

[HX_Guy]

Sablebaby, I've only been working from home for a couple years...before that I did the morning and afternoon traffic grind as well, and yea it does suck...but I do this it's an exaggaration to say that rush hour is between 7am to 7pm like the jokes above do.

By the way, did you get the latest issue of the magazine in the mail?