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Well, I support any option pretty much except abortion. Hopefully, that's not in the mix. It will depend, obviously, on what the girl herself decides. Yes, sometimes people with more wisdom could probably make a wiser decision but legally and I think, ethically really, the decision belongs to the girl. (I'm not sure how the father's rights figure in legally in every state or if they do.)
24 years ago, my husband & I adopted our son, a newborn boy, who was born to a 17 year old girl and a 15 year old boy. It was our understanding that the girl wanted to keep the baby initially but after much counsel, prayer etc believed that the best decision was to place the baby for adoption. Her pastor and our attorney assured us that she was very resolute and determined that this was what she wanted for the baby although I'm sure it was hard.
Obviously, we were tremendously blessed by her decision to place the baby for adoption, and often, I think it is best for the child. But, that said, if a young mother is resolute that she wishes to keep and raise her baby, I think she should be supported in this decision. I don't think any mother should be forced to relinguish her child even if keeping it is hard on them in many ways. (unless the mother is drug-addicted or something which were render her unfit etc.) As others have stated, this doesn't have to totally de-rail her education. It's just makes pursuing it tougher.
If she's a straight A student, with scholarship offers coming in while she's still a Junior in high school, then she certainly has the ability to make wise decisions.
Getting pregnant without intention can and does happen to those of all ages who are sexually active and doesn't mean she made an unwise decision. Perhaps her method of birth control failed or perhaps she wasn't given correct information by her guardians. Either way, getting pregnant does not make her ignorant or stupid, just pregnant.
At 17, she is the one to make decisions along with the father of the child. Of course they need guidance and it should come from several places. Parents, grandparents, clergy, medical and social experts. It does not matter who is paying whether it's her, his/her parents or the government, it is no one's decision to make other than the mother and father of the child.
There are many teens who have children and still have very successful academic careers. They just have to have the drive and motivation to do so. If she has this, that's the ideal route so that she can provide for her child.
If she believes that someone else can offer a better life to this child and the father agrees, then they should be allowed to make that choice as well. Sadly, oftentimes the parents of the teens want to raise the child themselves and coerce teens to not put the child up for adoption. This puts the teen parents in a very challenging and difficult situation that is not in the best interests of the child.
It's even possible that the best situation might be for her and the father to become a full time couple either living on their own or with his family if they are a more consistent and positive force than her current family.
No matter how everyone feels about this, ultimately the decision belongs to the teen parents. All advice and support should be given with the understanding it's to provide the best situation for this innocent child.
Wow, this is such a personal situation, I almost hate to put my two cents in...and that's different for me!
I agree that the girl needs to be consulted. I think many times they do things like this, it is actually beyond rebelling. They are trying to exert power and control over their lives when they think they have none. If her parents make a decision without her input, she may go and get pregnant again (I actually witnessed this once when a girl was forced into adoption against her will).
Personally, I think adoption is usually the best course in a situation like this. Not the easiest choice of course, but the best one. It teaches her responsibility without ruining her future the way active motherhood most likely would. But, she needs to buy off on it. That's essential in my view.
We cannot give you advice on your neice's situation because we do not know all of the facts or the people involved.
I think your BIL is completely dismissing the father. Where is the option of helping the two of them start a life together with their child? Do they love each other? With help from the family, this girl can handle her senior year (public school?) and then sit down to make the descion on where to take her life from there. No, the family doesn't "have" to support her, but what better way of showing that you care then to help? She isn't a 37 yo who has had her 6th child by a different "baby daddy".... She is 17 yo, smart and pregnant. If she feels she doesn't want to raise the child, then that is her choice to make.... then the father gets a say... he can take custody if he wants. This isn't about the BIL, MIL or FIL.... they are effected.... definately, but this is about the momma to be, the father to be and most importantly, the baby.
We cannot give you advice on your neice's situation because we do not know all of the facts or the people involved.
I think your BIL is completely dismissing the father. Where is the option of helping the two of them start a life together with their child? Do they love each other? With help from the family, this girl can handle her senior year (public school?) and then sit down to make the descion on where to take her life from there. No, the family doesn't "have" to support her, but what better way of showing that you care then to help? She isn't a 37 yo who has had her 6th child by a different "baby daddy".... She is 17 yo, smart and pregnant. If she feels she doesn't want to raise the child, then that is her choice to make.... then the father gets a say... he can take custody if he wants. This isn't about the BIL, MIL or FIL.... they are effected.... definately, but this is about the momma to be, the father to be and most importantly, the baby.
I understand this point of view, but I respectfully disagree. If it was my daughter and she wanted to keep the child and raise it, I would support her decision, but I would NOT support her financially. I would tell her that part of being a parent is being an adult. Being an adult means that you have to be able to financially support yourself and your children. To do otherwise is to set her up to being dependant on you for the rest of her life.
I know this will not be a popular opinion, but I think it would be in the girl's best interest in the long run.
We cannot give you advice on your neice's situation because we do not know all of the facts or the people involved.
I think your BIL is completely dismissing the father. Where is the option of helping the two of them start a life together with their child? Do they love each other? With help from the family, this girl can handle her senior year (public school?) and then sit down to make the descion on where to take her life from there. No, the family doesn't "have" to support her, but what better way of showing that you care then to help? She isn't a 37 yo who has had her 6th child by a different "baby daddy".... She is 17 yo, smart and pregnant. If she feels she doesn't want to raise the child, then that is her choice to make.... then the father gets a say... he can take custody if he wants. This isn't about the BIL, MIL or FIL.... they are effected.... definately, but this is about the momma to be, the father to be and most importantly, the baby.
Sounds like my cousin's situation. She moved out into a home her baby's father's parents owned, married the baby's father, received her GED. As a bright young lady, she had some good schools looking to give her scholarships. Instead of heading to college, she tried to be the best mother possible to her baby, a good wife, and put her life on the back burner as many women do.
The teen newlyweds had a 2nd child.
Once into their 20's and starting to mature, they realized that the menial existance as well as the dependance on the family house was not living life. My cousin looked like a nagging wife, he was 21 and his friends were out hitting nightclubs and bars. He was making little money, she went to work waitressing and relying on family to watch the children. Daddy was living his life, she wasn't. She gathered her courage, spoke to her parents and she worked to pay to build an apartment in their house. She brought both children home with her.
If she hadn't married the teen dad, there would only have been one child brought into the mess. As fate would have it, the 2nd child is the one with all the problems -- born into a teenage marriage as it was dissolving.
My cousin spent 20 years divorced, chasing down child support and trying to better herself. Teen marriage was worse than teen pregnancy for her.
Teen pregancies should not culminate in a marriage.
Another close friend adopted a young boy whose teen parents couldn't afford to give him a decent life. A few years later, the teen parents married and had more children. Birth mother and the boy reunited; adopted parents and birth parents were able to thank one another for the life they both gave. While this isn't always the case, it was one of the most beautiful things which could have happened.
Whatever you do PLEASE explain and educate this girl/woman about the emotional/mental issues that come with abortion. Most girls/woman NEVER get over the anguish of having an abortion.
My cousin had an abortion. (one of my many experiences with girls/women who have had one or two) I went with her for the whole thing. Things have changed a bit since she had it done 6 years ago. Now many states require the woman/girl to not only view the ultrasound but to think it over one last time and come back the next day. Many women choose NOT to go through with it once they see their baby on the ultusound or have some basic counciling/education/support.
There are so many options out there for her. She can continue to do all the things she's ever dreamed of if she carries and adopts or keeps the child. The only difference the time there is to do it might be modified.
As a family member/friend I would support this girl/woman in whatever choice she makes (keeping and raising the baby, adoption or abortion).
Just make sure she knows and the rest of you know that THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!!! It's an obsticle but a gift. A sad and happy time. A life changing event that this girl will have to live with for the rest of her life whatever path she takes. Just guide her on the right path so she doesn't regret it later
Sounds like my cousin's situation. She moved out into a home her baby's father's parents owned, married the baby's father, received her GED. As a bright young lady, she had some good schools looking to give her scholarships. Instead of heading to college, she tried to be the best mother possible to her baby, a good wife, and put her life on the back burner as many women do.
The teen newlyweds had a 2nd child.
Once into their 20's and starting to mature, they realized that the menial existance as well as the dependance on the family house was not living life. My cousin looked like a nagging wife, he was 21 and his friends were out hitting nightclubs and bars. He was making little money, she went to work waitressing and relying on family to watch the children. Daddy was living his life, she wasn't. She gathered her courage, spoke to her parents and she worked to pay to build an apartment in their house. She brought both children home with her.
If she hadn't married the teen dad, there would only have been one child brought into the mess. As fate would have it, the 2nd child is the one with all the problems -- born into a teenage marriage as it was dissolving.
My cousin spent 20 years divorced, chasing down child support and trying to better herself. Teen marriage was worse than teen pregnancy for her.
Teen pregancies should not culminate in a marriage.
Another close friend adopted a young boy whose teen parents couldn't afford to give him a decent life. A few years later, the teen parents married and had more children. Birth mother and the boy reunited; adopted parents and birth parents were able to thank one another for the life they both gave. While this isn't always the case, it was one of the most beautiful things which could have happened.
This is why we cannot give advice.... we do no know the dynamics. I was not suggesting that the parents get married, I was pointing out that a very important part of this child's life (the father) was omited from any possible solutions/responsibility.
Last edited by rockinmomma; 05-15-2009 at 01:07 PM..
Why would anybody say "It's up to her, but I do not support abortion"? You have just contradicted yourself. If the girl said she wanted an abortion (there is still time), who among us on this board assumes the right to deny her that choice? And then piously say "what else she does is up to her".
If you are correct in your suspicions that she became pregnant as a rebellion, that throws a new light on the question of whether it is up to her. She has already demonstrated that she makes wrong choices based on irrational considerations, so why let her keep on doing that?
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