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How long can you really go on blaming someone for where your at in life? When your 40, 60, 80? What's the cut-off date? Believe it or not, your life - from 18 and up, is completely a result of your choices.
I did some more thinking about this. Why are people so obsessed with this 18 year cut off for the victims of various forms of abuse, yet the abuser is rarely held to account? When do we start holding abusers accountable and blaming them for their actions? Most are smart enough to either not abuse someone in public and/or they make sure it's not something which will get them arrested. And I'm not calling for greater enforcement in the absence of proof, the McMartin preschool is an example of what can happen with overzealous enforcement.
The various sorts of abusers rarely suffer any legal consquences for their actions. And thanks to the blame the victim for not pulling him or herself up quickly enough by the bootstraps mentality, they rarely suffer social consquences for it. Yet the victim is chided for not getting over it quickly enough, which adds social disapproval to whatever damage the abuse caused, while the abuser pretty much suffers no external consquences. Why is that?
To go back to my favorite comparison, if someone has a leg broken by someone wielding a crowbar and they don't get proper attention for it (and in the case of children, it's up to the parent to get proper attention), the leg isn't going to heal properly. Even if they do get proper attention for it immediately, there may still be problems with mobility and pain. Once the person is 18, yes, they are responsible for getting proper treatment for their leg, following through on any physical therapy. But if the leg still aches, say in bad weather, the person still has every right to blame the crowbar wielder. Because if the crowbar wielder hadn't damaged the leg in the first place, the person wouldn't have the injury. Same applies for emotional injuries. You can do the work and make the effort. Some people will heal completely, some are going to have occasional pain. That isn't the fault of the person injured, it's the fault of the person who did the harm of the injury.
Rob and Bob both make excellent points. In America in particular, the pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality has created a system of victim blaming, whereby the perpetrator often escapes any form of repercussion. It is wrong and unjust to pile more misery onto people who are already in turmoil. What a cold hearted person you must be to harbor such thoughts. Maybe you are or were a bully yourself once?
Rob and Bob both make excellent points. In America in particular, the pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality has created a system of victim blaming, whereby the perpetrator often escapes any form of repercussion. It is wrong and unjust to pile more misery onto people who are already in turmoil. What a cold hearted person you must be to harbor such thoughts. Maybe you are or were a bully yourself once?
this mindset is universal in the western world , its not just an american phenomenon
this mindset is universal in the western world , its not just an american phenomenon
Different shades of grey Bob. It is prevalent everywhere, but definitely more prevalent in the USA, with its individualist / personal responsibility mindset and strongly defined gender roles.
their is a growing culture today of never blaming abusers , bullys or toxic people in general for the effects they have on others , instead ( employers , teachers , society ) blame the person who was on the recieving end of this onslaught , the onus is entirely on the victim to " get over it " and if they remotely hold a grudge , its they who have problems and need fixing
the whole thing is insidious
Basically, there is truth here. The person in a position of power is able to dole out the abuse/consequences. Employees rarely abuse employers. If they do, it's usually short-term. Employers can, however, abuse employees. Same thing with the school system. So, then, do we say it's someone's fault for not being on the employer end of the equation, or the teacher? This is another current tread, and has been hot for about 5 to 10 years.
Different shades of grey Bob. It is prevalent everywhere, but definitely more prevalent in the USA, with its individualist / personal responsibility mindset and strongly defined gender roles.
strongly defined gender roles is an inherently good thing IMO
strongly defined gender roles is an inherently good thing IMO
Only if you are in a position of privilege that is consistent with those strongly-defined roles.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 Some of us who tell others to quit blaming someone else for their place in their lives have already been through similiar situations and know first hand how hard it is to get beyond some things but also know it can be done IF one CHOOSES to move beyond whatever happened. The choice is ultimately theirs to stay stuck in the pity rut of their lives OR to make a conscious decision and effort to move out of that rut and quit using the "blah, blah did this to me when I was 9 years old so now at 40 I can't_________*fill in the blank*" If you truly want to get beyond whatever the trauma is/was you have to make that choice then work to get beyond it, learn from the experience, make it help you grow, change what needs changed to make the situation more palatable to live with day to day and move forward not allowing the actions of someone else to control your entire life.
Just because someone explains how they came to be in the position they are in does not mean they have chosen to remain "stuck in the pity rut of their lives." An explanation does not prohibit someone from putting effort into healing, growing, or learning from the experience. The inability to move forward at a pace that is palatable to you does not mean they are choosing to remain stuck. Many factors go into a person's ability to move forward & those factors must be considered.
Only if you are in a position of privilege that is consistent with those strongly-defined roles.
Just because someone explains how they came to be in the position they are in does not mean they have chosen to remain "stuck in the pity rut of their lives." An explanation does not prohibit someone from putting effort into healing, growing, or learning from the experience. The inability to move forward at a pace that is palatable to you does not mean they are choosing to remain stuck. Many factors go into a person's ability to move forward & those factors must be considered.
how are gender roles related to priveledge in america or western europe in 2012 , women in new york have zero kinship with women in saudi arabia no matter what various feminist academics says
how are gender roles related to priveledge in america or western europe in 2012 , women in new york have zero kinship with women in saudi arabia no matter what various feminist academics says
In a society with strongly defined gender roles, you are privileged if your self-perception & presentation align with what is considered appropriate & "normal." If your self-perception & presentation do not align with those behaviors/roles, you have no such privilege. It has nothing to do with kinship of women, I'm not even sure why you brought that up except that you apparently hate feminists. This is not solely a Women's issue, it is a gender issue.
Rob and Bob both make excellent points. In America in particular, the pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality has created a system of victim blaming, whereby the perpetrator often escapes any form of repercussion. It is wrong and unjust to pile more misery onto people who are already in turmoil. What a cold hearted person you must be to harbor such thoughts. Maybe you are or were a bully yourself once?
A Sociopath's Paradise
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