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Hi all. hope someone can give me some advice.ive been seperated from my wife for the last 7 yrs and recently divorced. i met my new partner 6 yrs ago and have been living with her for the past 4 yrs.i have 2 kids to my ex. in the early stages of my new relationship,my kids got on really well with my new partner and used to visit us on a regular basis. we all went on holiday together and it was all good.however, up until 2 yrs ago my kids have stopped calling round and expect me to visit them in their home.now i dont have a problem with that becoz i feel i should be seeing them in their own environment at times,but, my partner does not want me to be in my exs house. i feel split in my loyalties to my kids and to my partner.my partner says its my ex who is manipulating the situation.my ex denies it and say i should be calling round to see them as they are getting older and not wanting to call round to see us ,saying that my partner intimidates them! which way do i turn my loyalties??? HELP PLEEASE!!
That is called a "double bind" situation. You are damned of you do, damned if you don't!
All I can say is that with most men I know, their kids are most important to them, other relationships come second.
With that said, if you *must* go to the kids home to see them (for whatever reason), then so be it. That is what you HAVE to do. Period, end of discussion!
So do that. If your new partner does not like that, then TOO BAD! This is something you must do, so that is just the way it is going to be.
Also as to your ex-partner possibly "manipulating" the situation. Well maybe this is the case, but NOTHING you can do about it. So that is that. The way things are. Period.
And as for both of these women placing you in this situation, shame on both of them! But again, nothing you can do about that.
Anyway I would go visit the kids. Let the chips fall where they may. If your new partner leaves you because you went to visit your kids... Well think about that. How does that sound? Sounds very selfish to me.
Your partner is the one with the issue. She needs to MYOB here. It has NOTHING to do with her, at all. She sounds very immature and insecure. She is the one with the problem.
Examine your relationship with her, and decide, if maybe she has created a problem...maybe it is time to look for someone else. Because, your children will remember how you treated them, forever. And, you are going to be a part of their lives, forever.
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You have a right to visit your kids wherever you want. I would try to find out why they've gone sour about your partner. Maybe their RS with her wasn't as rosy as you thought it was.
To Billy,Jasper and trimac.thx for the replies and the advice.@ trimac- my partner said something derogatory to my daughter about her uncle and refuses to apologise for what she said.this made the situation worse as my kids were not visiting anyway before this comment. my partner is a no nonsense gal but is a softy at heart and would do anything for anyone but wont bend for me going round to see my kids in their own home.i have an excellent relationship with her 21 year old daughter and will do anything for her.i have done loads of jobs in her room-hanging tvs, painting etc. my own daughter sees this and has quizzed me on why i cant do anything for her or my son!! awkward or me needing to grow a pair. of which ive been accused of having to do by both women.
Your ex and current partner both sound unreasonable. Sounds like your ex is engaging in Parental Alienation. If you're not familiar with it, you may want to Google it and read up on it. Your partner's out of line too. Unless the uncle did something extreme like sexually abusing someone, your partner shouldn't be badmouthing him to the kids.
Normally, I'd disagree with the posters here about it not being her business. If you're spending a substantial amount of time away from her, at your ex's no less, it is her business. But she was instrumental in creating this problem by making your kids feel uncomfortable there.
As far as practical advice, is there neutral ground where you can meet your kids? Take them to a diner for breakfast, or something like that? Or to a relatives' home? I would also suggest talking to a therapist who specializes in blended families to see if some sort of truce can be brokered. But if your partner's not willing to compromise, that may be a problem.
Also, if your partner is unreasonable and irrational in other areas of her life, you may want to consider is you have a history or pattern of being attracted to emotionally abusive women. If so, therapy may be helpful in sorting out why and learning healthier behavior.
As long as you're not a drunk, druggie, or abusive I see no reason why they aren't living in your home on the weekends. AT LEAST every other weekend. All of my friends I grew up with were from broken homes and this is usually how it worked.
They had their own room or rooms in their father's house and spent the weekends there. My best friend spent every other week at her fathers (the entire week).
I only had one friend who never visited her father. She seemed to hate him and his girlfriend, she didn't want to see him. He was a cold snobby artist type and her mother was an earthy woman who owned her own high end landscaping business.
I wanted to share my experience as a child who had a parent who had to choose between us, (her children) and her husband, (my step father)
Long story short, she choose him and her two teen age girls had to move out. She told me years later that in a year or two, as we, (my sister and myself) were 16 and 17 years old that we would be moving out anyway and she did not want to spend the rest of her life alone.
My step father and my mother split up within a few years anyway. The relationship was failing and my step father wanted to blame anything but his own actions, so he made my mother choose. Us or him.
She ended up alone anyway. It was several years until she remarried. But the pain she put us through, but choosing him over us, well time heals most everything, but some things can never be undone. There are no do overs.
Your children need to be first. If your new partner is insecure of you visiting at your ex wife's home, perhaps that is something to take a look at in your relationship. Maybe all the adults could be mature enough so she could go along to baby set you, or I mean, enjoy the visit with your children too.
Some how, some way, at the end of the day, in my opinion, having been hurt by my parent not feeling I was the most important, I can say, figure out a way to choose your children.
Sorry about your situation. My advice is to tell your partner that she knew you had kids & you would be involved in their life. She just needs to deal with it & trust you when you are away with them at their mom's house. Dont let her control you or make you feel guilty. Its emotional abuse. Just reverse the situation & imagine what you would have done if she was in the same situation. Would you deny her meeting her kids at her ex's home? If you trust her enough then you should be expecting the same in return, nothing less. Your loyalty should definitely be towards your kids as they need you the most. Its difficult for them as it is to deal with their parent's separation but they definitely dont deserve the drama. Adults just have to suck it up & make them a priority. They should be able to decide from time to time where they want to meet you.
You are a role model to them & their future relationship choices will be greatly affected by their parent's personality & childhood experiences. So stay strong for them & stand by them. They will learn to trust people in future & wont grow up bitter. You have a responsibilty towards them & the adults around you should learn to respect your decisions. No need to give anyone any explainations or hide anything or feel guilty for making your kids a priority. The other person can just live with it or move on.
I am divorced since 2009 and I would not want my ex in my home. Seems to me that you have 3 choices, 1. Go visit your children at you ex's place and tell your partner that she knew you had children when she met you and she just needs to trust you. 2. You convince the kids to begin coming over to your place for visits. 3. Meet the children outisde of home, like at a park, the mall etc.
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