Caring About the Death of Someone You've Not Seen/Thought About for 20 Years (responsibility, people)

[jazzcat22]

I have a friend who really lost it the other day when someone informed him that someone he was friends with 20 years ago (but has not seen since or even thought about) died. He became so despondent that he didn't want to talk on the phone to anyone or answer any e-mails. He called in sick to work the next day. Now he is thinking about going to New York to find out more about the friend's death (the message was kind of cryptic).

I try to be empathetic to people, but I really can't understand why this is so traumatic for him. If he hadn't been notified about this, in all likelihood he would have gone another 20 years without thinking about this friend or contacting him. (There didn't seem to be any reason why the friendship ended other than geographic reasons and "drifting apart.") I can see where he could be nostalgic about the good old days with his friend or sad to hear of his passing. But-----to the point of having a meltdown about it?

You see similar reactions when a celebrity dies that no one has thought about for years....

Can someone explain the psychology behind this?

[gentlearts]

My guess it that he ran smack into his own mortality. This does seem like an over reaction, but if the person and he were the same age, and both equally vital when they knew each other, I guess this could hit a person hard.

[eponabri]

I would imagine there is a combination of reasons.... I agree that coming face to face with his own mortality could be one reason, especially if he has not had any other losses in his life. He might also be feeling a sense of guilt... for not being there for his friend, for losing touch with him in the first place. There could be a sense of melancholy for the loss of his childhood and perhaps this friend was a big part of that. There could be a sense of survivors guilt. Perhaps he had been planning on reconnecting with this friend, and the realization that he was too late caused a sense of loss and depression. Maybe he feels a misplaced sense of responsibility for his friends death.

[luckygirl15]

I agree with the others. The death of his long lost friend has made him see that his life won't last forever either. He may also be remembering his friend in their youth, and how happy the friend was, and now that life has been cut short.

I know this b/c I've gone through a few time in the past year. When I was on Facebook, I found out about a whole bunch of my classmates who pass away from all sorts of illnesses - at young ages.

Death makes you realize that life for us, for all of us, will end some day. It's a rude awakening. I imagine this is what is happening to your friend. He has to face his own mortality. He could also be missing his friend and wishing he had made a greater effort to keep in touch. We lose touch for such stupid reasons. I know I've done it without a thought but now, I consider people so much more than I use to.

Support him and try to understand him. Don't judge. He will come to terms with this death but it may take a while.

[Mightyqueen801]

I think as others do. This has much more to do with his own mortality than the death of the old friend.

Some people do not seem to understand how much time has passed until something smacks them in the face.