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Looking for some advice.. my daughter is 15. I did not see a category in the parenting forum that fits, so maybe someone here can help? My daughters issues:
-She has been self harming for three years. Cutting on arms/legs/torso.
-Depression/sadness "emptiness" comes and goes. Sometimes she seems very happy, seems to vary day to day.
-Unable to remember very simple details. Like remembering to write down homework assignments, and losing things all of the time (phones, and other expensive things, as well as every day things).
-Seems unable to stay on task with homework...easily distracted by other things, especially internet.
-Procrastinates.
-thinks people are talking about her, when they are not.
A bit of background. She is gifted and in all honors classes. She is an abstract thinker and very creative. She is deeply sympathetic towards others and animals,(every living thing except herself) to the point that she falls into depression when she hears of someone or an animal being mistreated. Her intelligence has been measured above her peers. But she is greatly disorganized.
She just began seeing a psychotherapist last week.
She told me yesterday, the only reason she is not self harming right now, is because she knows it would disappoint ME.
Thought disorder? organic/physical? Or, depression? Any thoughts or help? I feel very helpless, and I have tried my best to talk things out and be there for her.
Could be any of the above. And mixed in with that will be "normal teenager" things.
My advice would be to keep an open mind. See what the psychotherapist recommends after several visits. They may want to have some tests done to see if there are physical/organic problems if that has not yet been done.
You are a good parent! You're doing the right things...
Could be any of the above. And mixed in with that will be "normal teenager" things.
My advice would be to keep an open mind. See what the psychotherapist recommends after several visits. They may want to have some tests done to see if there are physical/organic problems if that has not yet been done.
You are a good parent! You're doing the right things...
Thanks for your advice...
The hard part is never really knowing what parts are normal teenager/hormonal issues, and what could be a disorder or beyond the norm. We have an appointment this evening with her psychologist. I think one thing we really need to get to the bottom of is the self fulfilling prophecy/cycle: Procrastinating, which leads to failing, which leads to low self worth, which leads to self harm.
I had an extremely similar profile as a teenager. I'm also very skeptical of the ease with which our society places "disorder" labels on teens especially (though it's really everyone) and dispenses drugs to address the issue. Although I want to be quite clear that I don't view self-harming behaviors as a light matter.
Be careful that disorder does not equal excuse. Because that will make this cycle much worse. Also, when the parents let the teen take the lead in a situation like this, dropping structure and routine and letting her get away with whatever, that can make it worse, and if she uses any drug, especially habitual MJ smoking, that can make this worse (because it is demotivating.)
What I feel will possibly help:
Set up situations where she is doing good in the lives of other people, who will count on her and hold her accountable if she doesn't live up to expectations. If there is any way to volunteer to mentor someone or spend time with an elderly person in a home, or help poor in shelters...some kind of thing where "they are counting on you" is the sense...it helps when one is needed and appreciated. It's got to be something where, if she doesn't show up one day, she'll be missed.
Do not let her make excuses...call shenanigans on them! It doesn't help her if she lies to herself about why she is justified in making poor choices. Sometimes there is no justification that matters. And people let teens get away with this, because holding them accountable, you feel like you don't want to make her feel bad about herself. But what will make her feel better than anything is having power over her life, and when the choices she can make actually mean something. When people let you get away with things and give you excuses or let you make them, eventually whatever you do just doesn't matter anymore. Might as well not even get out of bed!
Give her opportunities to succeed in EPIC ways. Does she do sports? I'm a nerd, so I'm not all into that...but one thing I've got to give the jocks, they get that "I'm a winner" thing going and that is healthy. Maybe some martial arts classes or a hardcore mountain hiking thing are in order. She's gotta find the rockstar inside and get addicted to the high of being awesome, and you only get that when you face down a challenge and kick its rear end!
Be a good example. Do you procrastinate? Sure you do, who doesn't?? Is there something you've been saying you were going to do, but haven't yet? Maybe tackle that. Maybe get your daughter involved, or at least aware. You're more likely to succeed, if she's holding you accountable, and it's always best to lead by example.
I had an extremely similar profile as a teenager. I'm also very skeptical of the ease with which our society places "disorder" labels on teens especially (though it's really everyone) and dispenses drugs to address the issue. Although I want to be quite clear that I don't view self-harming behaviors as a light matter.
Be careful that disorder does not equal excuse. Because that will make this cycle much worse. Also, when the parents let the teen take the lead in a situation like this, dropping structure and routine and letting her get away with whatever, that can make it worse, and if she uses any drug, especially habitual MJ smoking, that can make this worse (because it is demotivating.)
What I feel will possibly help:
Set up situations where she is doing good in the lives of other people, who will count on her and hold her accountable if she doesn't live up to expectations. If there is any way to volunteer to mentor someone or spend time with an elderly person in a home, or help poor in shelters...some kind of thing where "they are counting on you" is the sense...it helps when one is needed and appreciated. It's got to be something where, if she doesn't show up one day, she'll be missed.
Do not let her make excuses...call shenanigans on them! It doesn't help her if she lies to herself about why she is justified in making poor choices. Sometimes there is no justification that matters. And people let teens get away with this, because holding them accountable, you feel like you don't want to make her feel bad about herself. But what will make her feel better than anything is having power over her life, and when the choices she can make actually mean something. When people let you get away with things and give you excuses or let you make them, eventually whatever you do just doesn't matter anymore. Might as well not even get out of bed!
Give her opportunities to succeed in EPIC ways. Does she do sports? I'm a nerd, so I'm not all into that...but one thing I've got to give the jocks, they get that "I'm a winner" thing going and that is healthy. Maybe some martial arts classes or a hardcore mountain hiking thing are in order. She's gotta find the rockstar inside and get addicted to the high of being awesome, and you only get that when you face down a challenge and kick its rear end!
Be a good example. Do you procrastinate? Sure you do, who doesn't?? Is there something you've been saying you were going to do, but haven't yet? Maybe tackle that. Maybe get your daughter involved, or at least aware. You're more likely to succeed, if she's holding you accountable, and it's always best to lead by example.
And most of all, good luck and best wishes.
Wow...
I want to thank you for this post. I have been feeling extremely ineffective and helpless to help her for a long time. And from your help (from the perspective of someone who has been there) I feel a renewed sense of hope. I can't thank you enough. This will be along haul, but I so much just want to find that "something" works, and you have given me a lot of food for thought here, and some very good ideas.
Be careful that disorder does not equal excuse. Because that will make this cycle much worse.
When people let you get away with things and give you excuses or let you make them, eventually whatever you do just doesn't matter anymore.
^^^
That. I think I am guilty of this.. because I have really fed into this. She is "sensitive and moody", and a deep thinker. As an only child and more mature that other kids growing up I sometimes give her too much credit and self reign. I have let her steer the ship too often, thinking she is wise enough, and also on my end not feeling very empowered to tell her no, or force the issue of time management. I let her off too easily, looking for the line between being a compassionate and understanding parent, and a push over.
She has the tendency to make a lot of excuses, and then when I come down on her, even softly, she crumbles. I think you are right in being consistent and not feeding into the constant irresponsibility.
Sports...well, she is not someone who really enjoys sports per se. But, she does enjoy personal fitness when it is offered to her. Like yoga classes, and going to our local gym. For example, this summer I was not working, so she and I went to the gym together every other day, and she really, really seems to get a lot out of that. She seemed happy! She has also mentioned trying swimming at her high school. I can encourage her to do this. She does like to swim.
As for the volunteering, I think that is a really, really good idea. I can look into this. We live in an urban community where I imagine there are good opportunities. I can see how this could help, since she is very compassionate about others.
As for myself, yeas, I can admit that I myself can use self improvement! I have been meaning to accomplish more myself, ie: go back to college, and start running again regularly. But I haven't. Maybe if I self start, she will follow suit and begin to self start as well. I sort of have to over compensate for her dad in this way (we are divorced), as he is the text book definition of procrastinator, so much so that his bills don't get paid, etc etc.
Thank you again for this. I am taking it to heart and considering it all.
I'm no expert, but she sounds like a normal teenager to me. Self harming is not really a big deal on its own seeing as it's kind of just a thing to do for kids (source: I was a teenager recently).
It might be tempting to shower her with love and wisdom, but I think the best move is to let teenagers just run through the course of life if they're not doing anything too destructive. What you can do is offer her emotional support and also support things she does in general. If it makes her happy to play an instrument or date a boy or something like that, be on her side about it and if you can offer your time to help drive her around to do this stuff or whatever, even better.
I am deeply glad to have given you food for thought. I know that there's nothing easy about being a Mom...I have two sons who challenge my sanity and problem solving skills on a daily basis LOL...but do have faith in yourself, and in her. Within your minds and hearts lies the power to be and do anything you want. It might not unfold instantaneously, but with time and patience and perserverence, there are no limits to what any of us can make of ourselves.
Ultimately, what had to happen for me is that my excuses had to start falling on deaf ears. I was a young adult and I fell--HARD--on my face, with no one to catch me. And when I had to sort things out and make things happen, I did. The one and only mental health professional who ever did a lick of good for me was one high school psychologist who was a grumpy old guy from Jersey, and the only reason he made a difference is that he forced me to challenge my excuse-making. He wouldn't listen to it, and he helped me to realize that I was being disrespectful to myself...when most of these various therapist types would just sit and scribble who-knows-what on notebooks (which they never showed me...WHAT WERE THEY WRITING? To this day, I think some of them were probably making up their grocery lists. lol) and basically just urge me to talk.
But too, those were the ones being paid to see a girl with issues...it wasn't exactly in their best interests to see me "cured." So yeah, I'm skeptical of the doctors. I think that with the exception of the really dysfunctional mental cases, most of us have the power to be our best selves. We just need to see the worth in it, and unlock its potential.
I think I have a pretty good idea of all of the deficits that your daughter is expressing, but I'm kinda vague on the whole "outcome" thing. As I write this I am thinking that if things were better, your daughter would not be expressing these behaviors you have mentioned. However, I notice that you have not said anything about what she WOULD be doing.
I can't exactly say what it is that strikes me as off-balance about your post, but its as though I'm not getting the whole story. For instance, the decision to go see a Psychiatrist isn't usually made in a bubble....and there is usually a long line of events leading up to it. And I don't know how the failed marriage plays into any of this.....what the daughter's relationship with her father was......how the daughter views your contributions to domestic instability.........
Maybe its just me but it rathermuch feels like I am getting a VERY narrow and directed view of life in your house. Am I wrong? Help?
I'm no expert, but she sounds like a normal teenager to me. Self harming is not really a big deal on its own seeing as it's kind of just a thing to do for kids (source: I was a teenager recently).
Thank you for your input. Its actually good to hear from someone closer top her age...I feel a bit out of the "times" sometimes. Even though it feel like I was just in high school...however..that was the 80s! And honestly, had cutting and self harm been noticed in my high school in the 80s, the teen would have been hospitalized..thats how rare it was, or at least outwardly was, then. Although it saddens me to know this is more "common" than I knew, at least, she is not a total strange case, as you say, it happens more these days. Which really is sad, in my mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I am deeply glad to have given you food for thought. I know that there's nothing easy about being a Mom...I have two sons who challenge my sanity and problem solving skills on a daily basis LOL...but do have faith in yourself, and in her. Within your minds and hearts lies the power to be and do anything you want. It might not unfold instantaneously, but with time and patience and perserverence, there are no limits to what any of us can make of ourselves.
Ultimately, what had to happen for me is that my excuses had to start falling on deaf ears. I was a young adult and I fell--HARD--on my face, with no one to catch me. And when I had to sort things out and make things happen, I did. The one and only mental health professional who ever did a lick of good for me was one high school psychologist who was a grumpy old guy from Jersey, and the only reason he made a difference is that he forced me to challenge my excuse-making. He wouldn't listen to it, and he helped me to realize that I was being disrespectful to myself...when most of these various therapist types would just sit and scribble who-knows-what on notebooks (which they never showed me...WHAT WERE THEY WRITING? To this day, I think some of them were probably making up their grocery lists. lol) and basically just urge me to talk.
But too, those were the ones being paid to see a girl with issues...it wasn't exactly in their best interests to see me "cured." So yeah, I'm skeptical of the doctors. I think that with the exception of the really dysfunctional mental cases, most of us have the power to be our best selves. We just need to see the worth in it, and unlock its potential.
I really, really hope my daughters doctor is better, more on the level of your school counselor who basically held you accountable. The last thing my daughter needs is just a doctor there to make a paycheck, and have her keep coming back for that reason. Its great that someone in your life made a greater and more direct impact by being brutally honest. Thank you for sharing this. And I agree, it really is within us, within her, to be her best. It will take some working to get that out of her to fulfill that potential, to want to.
I think I have a pretty good idea of all of the deficits that your daughter is expressing, but I'm kinda vague on the whole "outcome" thing. As I write this I am thinking that if things were better, your daughter would not be expressing these behaviors you have mentioned. However, I notice that you have not said anything about what she WOULD be doing.
I can't exactly say what it is that strikes me as off-balance about your post, but its as though I'm not getting the whole story. For instance, the decision to go see a Psychiatrist isn't usually made in a bubble....and there is usually a long line of events leading up to it. And I don't know how the failed marriage plays into any of this.....what the daughter's relationship with her father was......how the daughter views your contributions to domestic instability.........
Maybe its just me but it rathermuch feels like I am getting a VERY narrow and directed view of life in your house. Am I wrong? Help?
FWIW.
If there was any part I left out, I'll try and enter it now. I was not sure initially how much detail I should present. But here is a bit more.
From toddler hood on, she's been complimented and driven by academics and praised for being very good in learning, has a natural desire to learn, she's like a sponge that way. Her self esteem was driven really early by this. Her dad and I divorced when she was 9, and in some ways, I harbor tremendous guilt for that. It was my choosing, because we were no longer compatible. I justified leaving by telling myself that she would also be better off in the long run when I found someone who made me happy and whole. We have joint custody.
I dated a man who was not that person to make me happy and whole for 3 years after leaving. Not abusive or anything, but I ended the relationship because of some temper and anger and control issues he had.
Then, two years ago, I met the right one. He's wonderful to me, and to her. He lived in another state, and ultimately, we chose to leave our state and home, and join him 5 months ago. We are getting married this summer. My daughter very much had bonded with him. The state we lived in before was very high in cost of living, although beautiful. We now live in an urban area of Missouri, and its been hard to adjust to the weather and culture. My daughter has made friends here, however, so I am happy about that.
I also harbor guilt about taking her from her home state, and her core group of friends. I did so also to save for her college. I was struggling to make ends meet before, and my fiancee and I thought it made sense to move together. He has a good job here in Missouri, very well paying. To complicate matters even more, her father moved here also, for the affordability. He now lives nearby. He is not the most well adjusted person financially and with organization, etc. He bought her two dogs, and they are taking up an extraordinary amount of her time and attention. Plus... her new high school has a much higher standard for academics. Which is good because it challenges her, but, hard on her because she is unorganized, and procrastinates. She used to just skate through before, and now, she has four hours of honors homework a night.
How that extra bit helped fill in some blanks.
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