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Yes, it can. Being good looking is great, but as you said, if one doesn't have much of a personality, it doesn't matter how good looking you are.
Someone suggested joining a book club...great idea. Truly. Or join some kind of club or activity if reading books and talking about them doesn't interest you. When you do this kind of thing, as was stated, you won't talk at first. That's to be understood. But as you get to know these people, as you see them open up and talk about things, you'll start to get more comfortable and will feel ok starting to talk.
The good thing that comes from doing this is that it gets you out of your shell but it also teaches you little clues...what I call, "societal clues", how to read people, their faces, things like that. We were supposed to be taught how to do this, as kids, but some of us were not.
I am like you, I seriously have to work very hard to carry on a normal conversation and even now, after all this time, I still muck it up.
For me, it made perfect sense to have a conversation like this:
Some person: Hi Three Wolves In Snow! How are you?!
Me: Fine.
Some person: ....
Me: ....
Some person: ....
Me: ....
People often don't believe me but it NEVER EVEN OCCURRED to me to ask them how THEY were doing. No, I'm not selfish, it just never occurred to me. I was very linear thinking, (still am), "They ask me a question, I answer, we are done". I actually believed I was being courteous and engaging in a conversation, that I was being pleasant and considerate by ANSWERING them. I had NO idea, for years, that I was supposed to ask them the same thing. Like I said, some of us are taught that when kids, some of us are not.
You learn to read, subconsciously, eye movements, mouth movements, other facial expressions, body movements and you learn, subconsciously, to read what the person may or may not be feeling.
I was only able to read when someone was bad or dangerous. I had no clue how to read when someone was in a good mood, was joking, was interested, was being kind....I truly did not. I still have problems reading that kind of stuff to this day.
For the average Joe, none of what I just typed makes any sense at all because so many were taught, just by going through every day things, how to do this. It's not even a conscious thing for many.
But those of us who lack it, we are very, very aware.
You could do some counseling but I think it would be more beneficial to you if you did as the one poster said and join a club or group where you sit down, look at each other and talk.
You will feel nervous, you may sweat, your hands might shake, you may feel like your throat is closing up on you, your heart rate will increase...but just do it.
The more you are aware of your anxieties or inability to read other people, the more you will learn, (sometimes it's after the fact, as I go through even to this day..."Gee, I should have asked them x"), the more you will be able to open up and start talking. Learn from them what you didn't learn when you were younger.
And, one of the toughest things you might go through is constructive criticism. That can be very difficult for someone who is anxious about speaking and then what they say is met with, "Well I disagree. I see it like this..." because you WILL sit there and think, "I knew I shouldn't have joined this group. I DID say something stupid after all!"
You didn't say anything stupid, you merely gave your interpretation and another person has another interpretation. The very fact that they listened to you, and then started sharing their opinion doesn't mean they think you said anything stupid but that what you said was interesting, just not how they saw it. You have actually helped people become engaged in a conversation. That's a good thing, not negative.
If you're in college, you should be able to find groups anywhere, heck even a study group is a good place to get started learning how to interact with people.
For some, it comes naturally. To me, it feels like an art form. I'm constantly amazed at people who can carry on a conversation with anyone. I get approached by complete strangers constantly who just start talking to me, (not weirdos), and the entire time they are there, I can't even think to say anything. My brain goes like this:
"Oh wow, how cool is this! This lady is here talking to me like we are old friends. That is so neat! I love this stuff! Oh s***, I should probably say something. What the hell do I say? OMG, seriously, come up with something to say besides, 'uh huh'. Add something to the conversation for the love of God."
And the anxiety goes through the roof.
The one thing that got me over that huge bump in the road was becoming a tour guide. I'm not even joking. The very first time on my own, I was a shaking, sweaty mess. I took tickets with a hand that would not stop shaking and the tourists saw it. That made it worse. I felt like I couldn't drink enough water on that tour. I was so fricken nervous and anxious, my voice shook. They all knew it and I wanted to be anywhere but giving that tour at that time. I was a disaster.
But they loved the tour.
And I did it again. And again, and again, and again, and again...for four years. Every day for four years I talked to people even though I was anxious as all get out on the inside. And you know, it DID get easier. And now? I'm almost normal. I still forget sometimes to return the question like, "How are you?" Yes, forget. Or I'll think later, "I could have asked them how their weekend was...that would have started a conversation. Why didn't I think of that?!" I still get nervous sometimes thinking I need to come up with something to say. I still feel a little stab if something I say doesn't go over well but it DOES get easier. Just go get started.
This, above. This rocks. Real, practical, applicable advice. :-) YOU rock.
I am example of the converse - high self-esteem that some people may think is unwarranted.
Looks and self-esteem are not related, but you always have to find something to appreciate aboutnyourself to build your self-esteem. And it has to be something that is 100% in your control. Something you can build on and improve.
For example, I can’t control who finds me attractive. Even if I think I am cute. . But I can control my attitude and the energy I put out in the world. Some of my attributes are positive attitude and high energy. My energy can help people acclimate to a new environment. And this tends to attract people.
I don't know if this can be possible or not, but I know I'm pretty and have a nice body, but I still have very low self esteem. I'm not exactly physically perfect, but I try to change most of my imperfections that I can change. I don't have a personality and I have severe anxiety around people and I'm afraid to talk to people because I'm scared of saying something stupid plus I never have anything to talk about. Can it be my anxiety that's affecting my self esteem?
how old are you? Have you always been pretty?
I find that people who haven't been cute children/teens and bloom in their later teens are still feeling insecure about themselves.
Also, there are usually two kinds of girls who become models: The ones who do it for the money. And the ones who (of course also want the money) but who are still insecure inside and sort of use it to feel better about themselves. They are pretty, get paid to be pretty, but they don't believe they have much worth.
About anything to talk about: Start watching the news. You can always talk with people about current stuff happening. Also, find a hobby and inform yourself about it. Knowing something will give you a better feeling and you have stuff to talk about with other people.
Everyone's physical attributes/personality/physical expression has a 'value' in their world: what they can "buy", in terms of experiences, options, etc.
Self esteem is the measure of value that you have for yourself, your sense of being, completely apart from your worldly value.
Beauty, or lack of it, has nothing to do with self esteem...unless you confuse your own self worth with your worldly worth (your experiences), or use the world value to determine or feed your self value. Those that do this are always on terribly shaky ground, because they are relying on feedback from the outside world to tell them "This is who you are."
Don't use the mirror, or the world as a mirror, as a basis for your self esteem. Work on finding out who you really are, what you value, what you hold sacred, what you hate, what you desire, etc. If you go in this direction, your self esteem will rise, regardless of whether you remain pretty forever or not. And that's the most beautiful thing!
First... I know this is an old thread, but I am going to drop in my opinions.
Yes, it is possible to know you are pretty and still have low self esteem. There are many factors that bring this about. Some of it is guilt (possibly from dealing with the envy of those who are deemed less pretty). Others is having a quality that you do not appreciate as much as another quality that can be earned. For instance, I know I'm tall, but I still have low self esteem (and I believe that height is overrated).
Another factor is getting a bit of unwanted and unsolicited attention and then getting shamed for not being extremely happy about the attention.
I don't know if this can be possible or not, but I know I'm pretty and have a nice body, but I still have very low self esteem. I'm not exactly physically perfect, but I try to change most of my imperfections that I can change. I don't have a personality and I have severe anxiety around people and I'm afraid to talk to people because I'm scared of saying something stupid plus I never have anything to talk about. Can it be my anxiety that's affecting my self esteem?
Of course.
There is really no limit to the things people manage to be insecure about.
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. But I can control my attitude and the energy I put out in the world. Some of my attributes are positive attitude and high energy. My energy can help people acclimate to a new environment. And this tends to attract people.
