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Old 08-04-2013, 12:07 AM
 
49 posts, read 61,175 times
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I noticed back in middle school that I began having problems making girl friends. I was very popular and had a lot of friends all throughout Elementary school and the first portion of Middle school but when I entered the 7th grade I switched out of grade level to advanced. I noticed that I was isolated and ostracized from the other girls in my class. I was very outgoing and friendly towards everyone but as soon as I began feeling like I made some great friends, I would find out the girl/s were talking about me behind my back and that really hurt me so I would just shut off completely.

In HS, I went to a school I was not zoned for and I tried to get involved at my school, I joined the Field Hockey team at my school and thought I had made a sure friend in a girl I had class with. She would always invite me to come to her games but I could never go because they fell on Friday evenings and I grew up as a Adventist so that was my Sabbath. I was too embarrassed to explain to her why I couldn't so I never went but she had invited me to try out for the team and I did. After I made the team she started acting like she hated me, she would act passive aggressive around me, and when she'd walk by she'd just kind of shoulder jab me; before I knew it the entire team wouldn't give me the time of day. I was a complete outsider on my own team. That pretty much summed up my entire High School experience.

I didn't date in high school and no guy asked me to Prom. Now I am in college and I joined a sorority (something I never even considered) but my school is so focused on academics that most kids go home on the weekends and because of its location there isn't much to do, so I thought this would of been a great way to find things to do and meet people (as I transferred to this uni.). Well now I regret joining because I noticed that the majority of the girls since initiation, have never really tried to get to know me or hang out with me like they did the other new initiates and I actually witnessed two of the girls in my initiation class gossiping about me behind my back--and so pretty much my entire initiate class ignores me.

I'm a pretty strong person just because of the things I've gone through but after awhile it starts to beg the question...what am I doing wrong?????
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Old 08-04-2013, 03:27 AM
 
7,100 posts, read 25,877,798 times
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I think that you will find that most people are like you. Not everyone likes to be chummy.

Instead of looking at what others do with the ones you are familiar with, look at all the other people around. I think you will be surprised.

I suspect that in your case, the mental abilities might have a little to do with it. People with different abilities usually stick to their own kind. You have a long road ahead of you. You'll be an outsider more than you expect. that's just the way people are. Rejoice!! Getting rid of "friends" is often necessary and hard to do.
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Old 08-04-2013, 03:43 AM
 
1,203 posts, read 1,156,502 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by morina1 View Post
...She would always invite me to come to her games but I could never go because they fell on Friday evenings and I grew up as a Adventist so that was my Sabbath. I was too embarrassed to explain to her why I couldn't so I never went but she had invited me to try out for the team and I did. After I made the team...
Confused. You couldn't go the games [to watch] because they fell on Friday nights (your Sabbath), but then you joined the team... And suddenly going to the games [to play] on your Sabbath became okay? This sounds contradictory.
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Old 08-04-2013, 07:44 AM
 
49 posts, read 61,175 times
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Originally Posted by MattOTAlex View Post
Confused. You couldn't go the games [to watch] because they fell on Friday nights (your Sabbath), but then you joined the team... And suddenly going to the games [to play] on your Sabbath became okay? This sounds contradictory.
Sorry, I can understand the confusion. I was really was into Theater in high school but because all of the school plays and comedy shows were on Friday nights or on Saturdays I could not participate because unlike a team, where I could have a sub fill in for me, I could not have anyone fill in for my part in the play. So, I wanted to be involved at school but since I was the only SDA at my public school there wasn't much I could get involved in.

I joined the Field Hockey team because it was a team, so on our Friday night games or games that fell on Saturday, there was always someone else on my team who could sub for me. Understand?
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Old 08-04-2013, 08:50 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
91,025 posts, read 87,719,105 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by morina1 View Post
Sorry, I can understand the confusion. I was really was into Theater in high school but because all of the school plays and comedy shows were on Friday nights or on Saturdays I could not participate because unlike a team, where I could have a sub fill in for me, I could not have anyone fill in for my part in the play. So, I wanted to be involved at school but since I was the only SDA at my public school there wasn't much I could get involved in.

I joined the Field Hockey team because it was a team, so on our Friday night games or games that fell on Saturday, there was always someone else on my team who could sub for me. Understand?
It seems odd to join a team when you couldn't play in their games...?

But I'd recommend you quit the sorority. You may be able to make friends with people in your classes, or join activity groups. If your school has special-interest dorms, like language or science dorms, you might consider that for the future.

Middle School and High School can be just as you described; full of immature people who are really into cliques, in-crowds and out-crowds, and all that. Don't take it as a personal failing that you didn't fit in, or that people turned against you. Sororities can be difficult, too. There's a whole thing about if you don't wear the right clothes, or don't measure up in some way, you can get harassed or excluded. Find a more down-to-earth bunch of people, or create your own little group over time. If you're still into your church, you might try to start an Adventist group at school.
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Old 08-04-2013, 09:25 AM
 
49 posts, read 61,175 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
It seems odd to join a team when you couldn't play in their games...?

But I'd recommend you quit the sorority. You may be able to make friends with people in your classes, or join activity groups. If your school has special-interest dorms, like language or science dorms, you might consider that for the future.

Middle School and High School can be just as you described; full of immature people who are really into cliques, in-crowds and out-crowds, and all that. Don't take it as a personal failing that you didn't fit in, or that people turned against you. Sororities can be difficult, too. There's a whole thing about if you don't wear the right clothes, or don't measure up in some way, you can get harassed or excluded. Find a more down-to-earth bunch of people, or create your own little group over time. If you're still into your church, you might try to start an Adventist group at school.
I'm guessing you don't understand how high school sports teams work. It's not odd because there are always an excess of team members that will not be able to play. It is a lot easier to be on a sports team than it is to be a part of an ensemble theater group where your part is dependent solely on you. On a sports team you can easily be replaced or have your role substituted by another. Now of course, I know some people will be unwilling to be understanding about my situation, and would rather I had just missed out on everything because of a religion I was born into. But I can't operate that way, I went to all of my practices and worked just as hard as all the other girls, and the days I couldn't participate because it was my Sabbath, it wasn't like I was at home sitting by a pool relaxing. I was at church, all day and quite frankly I would of much preferred being with my peers at an away game.

Anyway, my reason for joining my sorority is because my school is quite possibly one of the most socially challenging, antisocial schools one could go to. Most of the kids commute home on the weekends and are all study no fun; and there is little school spirit at my school. I thought joining a sorority would help me meet people who were more open to fostering friendships rather than just going to class and going home.
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Old 08-04-2013, 09:30 AM
 
4,761 posts, read 12,955,550 times
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It is really difficult to determine what is going on over the internet. You really need a 3rd person "watching" as you interact with others to see what the difficulty is. For that counseling might help. Note it does not sound like you need counseling... I don't see anything you are doing above to cause these difficulties*, so I'm not saying you need counseling... Just that with counseling or a similar situation, you could have a 3rd person who could watch you interact with others and give you feed back.

*The only thing I saw as a problem above is not telling that girl the truth about why you could not go anywhere on Fridays. If you tell people the truth, then they understand.
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Old 08-04-2013, 02:25 PM
 
1,203 posts, read 1,156,502 times
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Originally Posted by morina1 View Post
I was at church, all day and quite frankly I would of much preferred being with my peers at an away game.
You missed school every Friday during the entire school year?
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Old 08-04-2013, 11:29 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
91,025 posts, read 87,719,105 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by morina1 View Post
Anyway, my reason for joining my sorority is because my school is quite possibly one of the most socially challenging, antisocial schools one could go to. Most of the kids commute home on the weekends and are all study no fun; and there is little school spirit at my school. I thought joining a sorority would help me meet people who were more open to fostering friendships rather than just going to class and going home.
Could you transfer schools eventually?
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Old 08-06-2013, 11:45 AM
 
258 posts, read 385,360 times
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I suspect two things. One is that people are uncomfortable with your religion, notice how some of the other posters have taken on what could be seen as an offensive tone when trying to understand the specifics of the limitations imposed by your religion. Somehow even in a society where more and more things are being accepted, many people still feel uncomfortable with different religions than they are used to. While some people deal with that discomfort productively by learning about the religion and accepting it, others react to their own discomfort by avoiding it or saying bad things about people who follow that religion. There can also be discomfort with religions that are stricter that those who follow the religion will be judgemental of those who don't follow it, so rather than risk rejection on religious grounds they reject you first.

Another possibility is that despite your clear desire to be social and make friends, you may have difficulty interpreting peoples social cues and reacting to them in ways others expect. I've come to find out I'm on the autism spectrum and that explains why I had such trouble making friends as a kid. I hadn't the slightest clue why people didn't like me, and was super stubborn that I shouldn't have to do certain things just to be liked. It wasn't until I took a social psychology course in undergrad and learned to understand and accept certain things about human behavior and social expectations (rather than rejecting them because by my logic it didn't make sense or seem fair) that I started to be able to adjust my own behavior and expectations and attitudes and finally have more of a social life. Now, I'm still not miss popular and am not off hanging out all the time, but I now have more skills to do so when I want or need to, also you may find after college people start to be more accepting of differences and that may help you as well.

~Katy
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