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I randomly stumbled upon this and it made me realize that most of my relationships have been like this. We start as strangers and are still strangers in the end. Don't know if this should be under "Psychology" or "Relationships" but I will try Psychology as I am trying to understand the psychology behind all this.
I am 30, F and single. I have been in many relationships, got married and divorced. I have been in love once. Yes, I was the common denominator of all of my failed relationships and then I sometimes question what makes me choose these men? A bit of a background, I have always had guys around me, I was in that cast of somewhat popular, attractive girls who did not really have to work hard to get dates, be asked out ect but I never took advantage of it. If anything, I always felt bad for the ones I had to say No to. It’s hard for me to trust people, so most of the time I wouldn’t be in a relationship, even though everyone thought I was because “yeh someone like you have guys all over her”. The first person I fell in love with betrayed me and broke my heart and I never had a chance to fall out of love, to do it properly, thoroughly because it all happened so quickly and was all sudden and the result was he was still gone but still there “like a phantom limb, and just like a true phantom limb, the preponderance of feelings associated with him were painful”. I was 20 at the time and I closed that door and moved and everyone kept saying how strong I was, but I wasn’t , I was hurt inside but never showed it, always smiling. After that breakup, I dated guys just to date, I had no interest in them, I did it to get out, socialize, and also to convince myself that my ex was not that important and I could replace him overnight. However, I always got out of those relationships when I realized the guy was getting too invested emotionally and because I wasn’t emotionally invested, it was easy for me to just call it off overnight. Eventually, I grew out of that stage and met my ex husband, I thought he was different and I could trust again till I realized the web of lies I got myself into and how I couldn’t trust anything he said. So, I got out of that marriage and in a serendipity way, met again with my first love and he convinced me that he was a changed man, that I was the love of his life and everything that happened 10 years ago has been torturing him and he never got over him and I had to give us a chance again, that it was destiny blab la bla. Ect. And I wanted to believe him, so I did and I gave us a second chance, after all, he was the only man I ever loved with that innocent, crazy love. Needless to say, despites his promises, he broke my heart again, 10 years later, for the 2nd time, betrayed again, and found out everything one more time was a lie. I was really shaken by this, and asked myself why I allowed someone who hurt me years ago in my life again? Why did I believe all the things he said? Why would I allow the same thing to happen again? What is wrong with me that I invite these people in my life? And I don’t think I am naïve, if anything I am very strong-willed, careful, and do not trust easily, takes me a long time to actually trust someone and let myself be vulnerable. But I always make the wrong call, i-e trust the wrong people. I have thought about this again and again, and I don’t see anything in my past, or childhood ( had a good happy childhood, no abuse, lost my dad at 6, was raised by my mom) that could make me this way. Sometimes, I think that maybe I am not destined to be happy, maybe I am one of those career women, who get very good and successful in their career but are never going to be romantically happy. And maybe that is okay not all of us are going to find our perfect match in life, and I have to accept that, but sometimes I just wonder why? Especially a day like today, I am just very depressed about it all, wondering where I went wrong. I'm tired of relationships that are always painful.” I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of waiting by the phone, and second-guessing what a guy says and trusting someone not to hurt me. Again. I've been storming the relationship castle for many years , and I still don't have my prince. I've got a bunch of battle scars from the field and I want to go home and nurse my wounds. I don't want to fight anymore.”
Sorry about this long post, I just needed to get it out somewhere.
Firstly, I think you are being way too hard on yourself and you're beating yourself up about what you say were mistakes, except that when you fall in love with someone, you have to trust them and trust their word. You cannot be held responsible for being betrayed, nor is there anything necessarily wrong with giving someone a second chance, especially after a decade. Don't sit there ruminating over where you went wrong as you'll drive yourself crazy.
Losing your father at such a young age has most likely affected you. It can't have been easy not having a male role model in your life growing up? It was tough for me when my parents divorced, but both of them are still alive.
You should not give up on finding love. I'm sure you have a lot going for you. What are your hobbies, interests? What is it that you're looking for in a partner? You don't have to bury yourself in your career when you can have both (a good relationship and a career).
You say you always make the wrong call and trust the wrong people. Is there a pattern to this, i.e. is it a specific type of personality you go for?
I try hard not to second guess people. but it's hard. That's why I try to take a step back when I start over analyzing people or their intentions, even if it means forcefully distracting my mind onto something else.
I wish I had some more words of encouragement to offer you. Relationships should be good and they should not cause you undue stress whereby you are constantly second guessing and fearful of being hurt.
To me it sounds like you just had bad luck and you are trying to find an explanation. I think you need to keep dating other people and move on. Maybe learn to recognize certain behaviors early in the relationship. When someone displays suspecious behavior(red flags) several times it's hardly a coincidence. I think one of the problems our society has is that people think they are in full control of their destiny and everything "happens for a reason". Another mistake is to think we are rational creatures 100% of the time. No we're not, we lie to ourselves all the time to avoid emotional pain. The key is to recognize our own lies and irrational thinking.
Last edited by Sugah Ray; 10-20-2013 at 01:55 PM..
Firstly, I think you are being way too hard on yourself and you're beating yourself up about what you say were mistakes, except that when you fall in love with someone, you have to trust them and trust their word. You cannot be held responsible for being betrayed, nor is there anything necessarily wrong with giving someone a second chance, especially after a decade. Don't sit there ruminating over where you went wrong as you'll drive yourself crazy.
Losing your father at such a young age has most likely affected you. It can't have been easy not having a male role model in your life growing up? It was tough for me when my parents divorced, but both of them are still alive.
You should not give up on finding love. I'm sure you have a lot going for you. What are your hobbies, interests? What is it that you're looking for in a partner? You don't have to bury yourself in your career when you can have both (a good relationship and a career).
You say you always make the wrong call and trust the wrong people. Is there a pattern to this, i.e. is it a specific type of personality you go for?
I try hard not to second guess people. but it's hard. That's why I try to take a step back when I start over analyzing people or their intentions, even if it means forcefully distracting my mind onto something else.
I wish I had some more words of encouragement to offer you. Relationships should be good and they should not cause you undue stress whereby you are constantly second guessing and fearful of being hurt.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. Losing my dad at a young age was hard as we were very close and he was a great dad, but my mum was a great mother as well. She did everything she could so that we never felt he wasn't there. She was there for everything and provided everything we needed, so yeh I did miss my dad growing up but had a great childhood thanks to my mother.
My conclusion about trusting the wrong people stems from the fact that every person I have trusted in my relationships did eventually betray that trust. It starts with me meeting someone, having my guard up for a while and getting to know them and they show me a great side of themselves and little by little, i start discovering little white lies, then big ones and they always have excuses as to why they did x or said x and I always want to believe them because I always want to see the good in people. And I always want to believe that people are genuinely good and wouldn't do something after they promise you they wouldn't. That's how I was raised and that's how I am, I hate people who lies but I always end up with people who lie to me. So, I wonder if I am so demanding that people feel like they need to lie to be with me? But when I think about it, I am not, I don't ask for a lot, all i want is to love and be loved. I just demand honesty, companionship, friendship, and someone who is a true partner in life. I don't want diamonds, or to be wowed, I just want a normal relationship I used to be very trusting but I don't trust anyone anymore just because everyone I have ever trusted has betrayed that trust one way or another, so how can I trust my ability to choose what is good for myself?
To me it sounds like you just had bad luck and you are trying to find an explanation. I think you need to keep dating other people and move on. Maybe learn to recognize certain behaviors early in the relationship. When someone displays suspecious behavior(red flags) several times it's hardly a coincidence. I think one of the problems our society has is that people think they are in full control of their destiny and everything "happens for a reason". Another mistake is to think we are rational creatures 100% of the time. No we're not, we lie to ourselves all the time to avoid emotional pain. The key is to recognize our own lies and irrational thinking.
That is true that I see some of the signs as far as lying which is the one that happens the most. I will ask them a random question about something small and they will lie about it and I will find out it's a lie but it's about something so petty ( i-e not worth lying about) that i second guess myself and tell myself , well maybe he forgot he did x or maybe I misunderstood ect because to me that is so small in the grand scheme of things that i can't understand why someone would lie about something like that. And then the next time, they lie about something else, and again give me an excuse as to why they lied, ect till I just realized that it was all lies. So I guess what i need to do is nip it in the bud as soon as I see those red flags and cut them off. The thing is for some reason, I just feel bad for people when I cut them off, or when they apologize and I say "no I'm done", I don't want to be a "mean" person but i feel like a lot of times, they take advantage of me because I am way too nice and i don't want to hurt anyone, but I end up being the one hurt in the end. When I invest myself in a relationship, I give my all, I don't play games, I am there for the other person and I will support them through everything, I expect the same thing from my partner but whenever I need them the most, that's when they let me down. I am at a point where I don't even bother dating anymore because I feel like I already know how it's going to end, so why go through it and get hurt again? There is only so much that someone can take.
When my 1st love came back into my life last year and then I found out about all the lies in June, I just cried a bit and told myself that this was on him, that I was not going to let this or him break me down, that I can't understand what he did because that is something I could never do to anyone, so my brain is not wired to comprehend what he did and I just moved on and told myself to stop thinking about him, stop loving him, just stop everything, it was sudden, i did not even mourn the loss. Then today suddenly, i was watching that Youtube video, then something on tv, and it all came back to me, I started thinking about everything he said and everything that happened and I just broke down. I cried because I couldn't hold it anymore, I cried because it was just too painful and I cried because I just did not know how to get out of all the emotional mess and have a happy life with someone who loves me and that i love too. I cried I guess because I just don't know if I can ever love again....
Thank you for sharing your perspective. Losing my dad at a young age was hard as we were very close and he was a great dad, but my mum was a great mother as well. She did everything she could so that we never felt he wasn't there. She was there for everything and provided everything we needed, so yeh I did miss my dad growing up but had a great childhood thanks to my mother.
My conclusion about trusting the wrong people stems from the fact that every person I have trusted in my relationships did eventually betray that trust. It starts with me meeting someone, having my guard up for a while and getting to know them and they show me a great side of themselves and little by little, i start discovering little white lies, then big ones and they always have excuses as to why they did x or said x and I always want to believe them because I always want to see the good in people. And I always want to believe that people are genuinely good and wouldn't do something after they promise you they wouldn't. That's how I was raised and that's how I am, I hate people who lies but I always end up with people who lie to me. So, I wonder if I am so demanding that people feel like they need to lie to be with me? But when I think about it, I am not, I don't ask for a lot, all i want is to love and be loved. I just demand honesty, companionship, friendship, and someone who is a true partner in life. I don't want diamonds, or to be wowed, I just want a normal relationship I used to be very trusting but I don't trust anyone anymore just because everyone I have ever trusted has betrayed that trust one way or another, so how can I trust my ability to choose what is good for myself?
I want to try to put the behavior of demanding in a different perspective. When a person demands and then doesn't follow through to make sure their demand is being met, that person is just being lazy. It is easy to demand. It is more difficult to make sure the other person is doing what we expect and to know what to do when they are not. When you put the effort into making sure your expectations are being met, you will notice that you will be able to define what is important and what isn't, you will start remembering red-flags, you will build your social skills in dealing with disappointing behaviors.
You can still see the good in people just remember that they can disappoint.
I want to try to put the behavior of demanding in a different perspective. When a person demands and then doesn't follow through to make sure their demand is being met, that person is just being lazy. It is easy to demand. It is more difficult to make sure the other person is doing what we expect and to know what to do when they are not. When you put the effort into making sure your expectations are being met, you will notice that you will be able to define what is important and what isn't, you will start remembering red-flags, you will build your social skills in dealing with disappointing behaviors.
You can still see the good in people just remember that they can disappoint.
Thank you! Yes I don't usually follow through or when I do, there are no consequences. So, yeh I will start demanding and following through those demands. Never thought about it that way
Thank you! Yes I don't usually follow through or when I do, there are no consequences. So, yeh I will start demanding and following through those demands. Never thought about it that way
Just be careful. You don't want to come across as a demanding woman but you don't want to be a door mat. It really is a balancing act which is why it is important to start having expectations. Some expectations you don't even share with another person. If they don't meet it, you move on. You don't demand it from them.
For example, if something doesn't seem right, I will ask. I would rather the person lie than me never ask. If I still think the answer doesn't make sense, I have to make a choice. Do I let it go or do I consider it a red-flag? If I let it go and it turns out the person is a liar, then I take partial responsibility for allowing myself to be fooled. If I consider it a red-flag, well, I start to cut things off with that person.
I don't demand that a person tells the truth. I expect it but that doesn't mean I will get it. Therefore, I have to take partial responsibility in finding out the truth or finding out that the person is a liar.
Just be careful. You don't want to come across as a demanding woman but you don't want to be a door mat. It really is a balancing act which is why it is important to start having expectations. Some expectations you don't even share with another person. If they don't meet it, you move on. You don't demand it from them.
For example, if something doesn't seem right, I will ask. I would rather the person lie than me never ask. If I still think the answer doesn't make sense, I have to make a choice. Do I let it go or do I consider it a red-flag? If I let it go and it turns out the person is a liar, then I take partial responsibility for allowing myself to be fooled. If I consider it a red-flag, well, I start to cut things off with that person.
I don't demand that a person tells the truth. I expect it but that doesn't mean I will get it. Therefore, I have to take partial responsibility in finding out the truth or finding out that the person is a liar.
That's a very good way to explain this and i think that is my main issue. When I confront someone about something they lied about, I just let it go and convince myself that maybe it was a misunderstanding or maybe the person was ashamed of what they did and that's why they did not tell me, ect, I find excuses to explain/condone the behavior and I guess because of this, I stay in the relationship way longer than I should have. Thanks for sharing this, it's giving me a new perspective and a new way to deal with this type of behavior.
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I used to be very trusting but I don't trust anyone anymore just because everyone I have ever trusted has betrayed that trust one way or another, so how can I trust my ability to choose what is good for myself?
