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I've just realized I've been committing social suicide for the last couple years...probably as a way to make sure I move on from where I am when the time came, as it has, and not stay back because I had grown attached.
Things like acting out with people, knowing that it will put me in a bad light because 1) I don't care what people think of me...so I was proving it to myself. 2) I knew if I allowed myself to like them, leaving them would be impossible. 3) I'm naturally curious as to how far I can take things...everyone has a line.
But, it's no way to live. You become the monster you create.
I've just realized I've been committing social suicide for the last couple years...probably as a way to make sure I move on from where I am when the time came, as it has, and not stay back because I had grown attached.
Things like acting out with people, knowing that it will put me in a bad light because 1) I don't care what people think of me...so I was proving it to myself. 2) I knew if I allowed myself to like them, leaving them would be impossible. 3) I'm naturally curious as to how far I can take things...everyone has a line.
But, it's no way to live. You become the monster you create.
How to make amends?
Apologize.
It's one thing to not care, and it's another thing to be self destructive. Just apologize, if they're good people they will understand.
I think "do as you want, don't care what others think" is good advice as long as it's followed within the bounds of your morals, good will, and common sense. If you're purposely trying to stir people up, they'll perceive you negatively as opposed to being yourself.
Just feel like I've wronged people I care about...mostly because in my push to assert my own self among those people, I was negligent with how I treated them at times.
Growing into myself has not been a smooth process so far haha
You seem to focus on what people bring to the relationship/friendship for you, how you enjoy your interactions, what you get out of encounters. This is inward focusing, and its unfortunately extremely common for those who have not learned the value of actually contributing to a true friendship/relationship.
Try focusing on others. Make someone else's day better, turn the conversation to their passions. Make friends so that you impact THEIR lives positively, even if for the short while they know you. Say you know someone for one day out of your life. Will they remember you fondly?
Its obvious that you don't care what people think about you, and truthfully, most people don't really "think" about you. They get an impression of you from your behavior. But think: maybe you care about how they see themselves. Can you positively effect them in a way that they are happy to know you, because of the value you bring to them, despite their impression of you?
We have ALL wronged people that we've cared for. All you can do is apologize, and its an enormous step in maturity, no matter one's age. I don't think anyone will ever reach the end of that particular road.
I've just realized I've been committing social suicide for the last couple years...probably as a way to make sure I move on from where I am when the time came, as it has, and not stay back because I had grown attached.
Things like acting out with people, knowing that it will put me in a bad light because 1) I don't care what people think of me...so I was proving it to myself. 2) I knew if I allowed myself to like them, leaving them would be impossible. 3) I'm naturally curious as to how far I can take things...everyone has a line.
But, it's no way to live. You become the monster you create.
How to make amends?
You're talking about friends, right, and not a romantic relationship?
What have you have done that you consider "acting out" that might be beyond redemption or that is even a problem at all?
Where were you, and where are you going now that the time has come?
You're curious how far you can take things? You mean how far you can push people and not have them not want to be around you? What are some things you've tried or might try but haven't yet?
Why are you afraid of becoming rooted and attached to a circle of people?
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