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Badmouthing exes, mostly, is a publicly visible way of defending your own behavior during and after the relationship, when you know that you yourself bear a great deal more of the fault and blame than you are prepared to admit to and openly acknowledge.
The first thing that comes to mind when someone is always badmouthing the ex is that they haven't moved past those issues, and aren't ready for a new relationship.
When someone badmouths multiple exes, it tells me that that person has no accountability for his own choices or behavior.
There are a couple of benches in front of my supermarket, and a few regular deadbeats who gravitate there for their socialization, no purchase necessary. I once lingered long enough to overhear a conversation, from which I learned a great deal.
One fellow mentioned that he had seen the other guy's ex the other day. A little light-hearted banter about her general character followed, when finally her ex said "Aww, she was alright. I couldn't give her what she needed, and she found someone who could. God bless her."
Quote:
. . . and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. -- "Desiderata"
Narcissists will always blame everyone but themselves. Your brother-in-law sure sounds like he's one. Your sister will never have closure if she's looking to get it from this guy. She needs to just write him off and take the high road. The sooner she excises him from her life as much as possible, the sooner she can get on with things.
It sounds like that to me as well.
If I know of someone who bad mouths their ex on a regular basis, then it probably is someone who just rather blame someone else for all their own problems. I often avoid people who have this tendency.
People who badmouth their exes leave a bad taste in my mouth.
If only they knew it doesn't make the ex sound bad...it makes THEM sound bad...and a bit pathetic.
Narcissists will always blame everyone but themselves. Your brother-in-law sure sounds like he's one. Your sister will never have closure if she's looking to get it from this guy. She needs to just write him off and take the high road. The sooner she excises him from her life as much as possible, the sooner she can get on with things.
Speaking only for me, JrzDefector, I'd be rather more careful about glibly throwing out such serious diagnostic terms. The diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (et al) requires far more information than has been presented so far. There are many OTHER reasons for the soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law's behavior.
The most likely "reason" is entirely human and all-too-common. "It's not MY fault; it's YOUR fault. And your behavior left me no choice (but to behave badly)!" I see this every-danged-day in even the most well-adjusted people. Its generally how we do things...
Other possible (non-narcissistic) causes include:
* ELC ("External Locus of Control")? A definite possibility.
* Deficient self-concept? Another possibly.
Aside from this, the rest of your post is pretty much dead-on. The sister's best bet, at this point, is to watch the old boy get smaller, and smaller, and smaller in her rear-view mirror...
I think that badmouthing an ex is normal behavior, in the beginning, when the break up is fresh. We're all human and we all need to vent. I don't think that just because someone badmouths an ex, that means they're automatically 100% to blame for the breakup. Some people just keep it real.
That being said, if someone is running all over the place badmouthing their ex for extended periods of time, and really going out of their way to smear the ex's reputation, that's vindictive and strange.
I think that badmouthing an ex is normal behavior, in the beginning, when the break up is fresh. We're all human and we all need to vent. I don't think that just because someone badmouths an ex, that means they're automatically 100% to blame for the breakup. Some people just keep it real.
That being said, if someone is running all over the place badmouthing their ex for extended periods of time, and really going out of their way to smear the ex's reputation, that's vindictive and strange.
I think it's normal to vent to a couple people -- maybe a sibling or a friend but why would someone post things on fb or very publicly badmouth an ex?
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