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Location: 23.7 million to 162 million miles North of Venus
23,599 posts, read 12,543,921 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
He also has them isolated out in the woods. Found this on another thread in the Texas forum:
<snip>
- When our girl would whine "I don't want to go to bed" and get ugly about it, I didn't hesitate to go so far as to say "My word is final. If I hear another sound in here {I'd then smack the dresser loudly with the palm of my head} that's what I'll do to your butt." I'd then set a kitchen timer that "dings" to 5 minutes and say "if the lights are still on when that timer dings, same thing." She went to bed right away. If it was out of fear of repercussions, frankly--so what?
-If the whining persists, that's when you grab the nearest paddle and say, very sternly, "would you like for me to give you a reason to whine?"
-My son wouldn't stop taking his shoes off in the car, he was around age 3 at the time. I determined he was going to stop. I didn't do the "stop taking them off or I'll beat your butt" method, though, I let him experience the pain of his bad choice. On a given occasion, he had removed his shoes, but I said and did nothing. That included the point when he exited the car and stepped onto the hot concrete barefoot. What do you think he wanted? At that point, he wanted nothing more than to have his shoes on. However, I locked the doors so he couldn't retrieve them. I let him, for a good 30 seconds or so, feel the pain of hot concrete on his bare feet. During such time, I then admonished him "are you EVER going to take your shoes off again without my permission?" He said "no," and said it like 3 more times because I kept saying things like "I can't hear you" and "are you going to listen to me from now on" etc. THEN I unlocked the doors so he could get them, and then HE put his shoes on himself.
Wow!!
I seriously hope that the wife and kids get counseling, maybe then they can realize that they not only should, but must, dump this abuser and move on with their lives.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shyguylh
but just clarifying a few things.
My main response
(1) I have tried to de-clutter. This upsets my wife when I do so, however. She has "hoarding" tendencies sometimes. Even her own family says this about her. We may have, I would guess, 15-20 "leaf and lawn-sizesd" garbage bags full of clothes BESIDES the ones hanging up, and I can't for the life of me get her to be okay with me getting rid of them. Once I burned some, and these were clothes with holes or permanent stains in them, and when she fond out she was hysterical about it. I was like "honey, we've got plenty of clothes, you wouldn't even miss them had I not told you I did it (I believe in honesty typically) and again, honey, THEY WERE STAINED and they HAD HOLES in them."
I told her of how it's hard for me to find the GOOD clothes we do like when there are so many bags of such clothes laying around like that, because it "clutters" my mind to where I can barely even process mentally "sorting out in my head" where things are, and it contributes to the things getting lost aspect, and it's part of what inspires me to become so upset--that I can't find what I'm looking for in and of itself, AND that if we could just pare down on such accumulations it would be so much better for me. It's like talking to a lamp-post.
I am not saying my reactions are her fault, mind you, I am saying it's a "contribution to the atmosphere" and definitely a factor. Seriously, even her own family has said that there's too much hoarding going on in here, and I'm all for putting a douse of gasoline and a match to it.
Yes to "clarify a few things". Why not clarify things a bit more while you're at it ..... now you claim that she's a hoarder - meanwhile, in one of your other threads you posted the following comment ....
Quote:
It really incensed me because our house was very clean and orderly, I'm talking Martha Stewart Living nice
Sorry but a person cannot be a hoarder, and, at the same time, have a neat and orderly "Martha Stewart Living nice" home. I firmly believe that your attempt to make her look like a "hoarder" is strictly to gain sympathy, by placing blame on her, and to direct the negative attention away from your own actions. (shame that some actually fell for that dreck)
She's a "hoarder" - pffffffttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!
The following is a group of a few snippets from your various and numerous rant posts ...
Quote:
It's also about giving your mate the permission and latitude to be emotional and react to their emotions somewhat, even if it looks ugly at times. It's about accepting them for being that way, even if maybe you'd rather it be that they weren't that way.
when she gets so upset at my just yelling in general and I tell her that it's just the way I am and to stop trying to fix me.
I was saying that she needed to lay off me and just accept that I will yell at times and stop making such a fuss about it.
At some point I think it becomes a thing of "so your husband yells on occasion, so what, stop making such a big deal over nothing."
Oh waaaaa, it's all about you isn't it-(not a question) ... take your own advice and stop trying to make a big deal over her reactions to your abusive behavior - as you had previously stated - "GET OVER IT."
Let her get counseling, let her and the kids move on with their lives - then you can find someone (preferably childless, and, get yourself snipped while you're at it) that is just as abusive as you are (since you want someone that is "like you").
Let the innocents move on to happier lives - without you!!!!
(people who abuse their families, animals, etc., get absolutely no sympathy from me)
I feel sorry for you, Hedgehog_Mom. Yelling, punching holes, throwing doors open, etc., none of that is normal behavior. What really makes me sad is that you have kids that are seeing this behavior.
I grew up with a father that does what your husband does. He also thought that because he wasn't hitting anyone (which his dad did) it was okay. It wasn't okay. It damaged his relationships with all of his kids. So many times I wished my parents would have separated when I was growing up because living with a parent like that is terrifying. It was scary even when we were in our teens and older.
I hope, if nothing else, your kids are receiving counseling to deal with the abuse. It will impact them later in life.
This is the saddest thing. Dads like this lose their kids. And they don't realize it until it's too late to repair the lost relationships. I wonder if the OP even cares that his kids will never love him, and will move away from him as soon as they're old enough to be independent.
OP would you consider videoing yourself during one of your rants? I think you would find it illuminating.
Actually I have heard of that suggestion previously, and wouldn't be opposed to it.
I like being the calm & nice person, and most times I am. The more I am that way, the happier I am, and the better I feel about myself. It's just that, well, we're humans, we're imperfect, and we have emotions. We all have our faults and they all come out in different ways. Mine involves becoming emotional to things such as objects becoming lost, getting behind someone driving below the speed limit and refusing to move, etc. Much of this is fueled by my feeling that such things aren't to be tolerated, but to be FIXED, and the emotions come from the lack of a fix.
I am not saying that it should be okay for me to be an emotional mess practically everyday, not at all. I am all for my seeking ways to "vent" or just cope or whatever in ways that aren't so demonstrative, or at least "redirecting" to where I rant/vent in the garage or at a punching bag etc. I'm merely saying that if I, on occasion, have a "rant" that's not the prettiest thing, then so long as it doesn't involve violence towards people and the like, big woop. We can't be perfect 24/7.
There is so much more going on here than I've written about. It's not as toxic or as awful as it sounds, or as one-sided either, trust me.
Actually I have heard of that suggestion previously, and wouldn't be opposed to it.
I like being the calm & nice person, and most times I am. The more I am that way, the happier I am, and the better I feel about myself. It's just that, well, we're humans, we're imperfect, and we have emotions. We all have our faults and they all come out in different ways. Mine involves becoming emotional to things such as objects becoming lost, getting behind someone driving below the speed limit and refusing to move, etc. Much of this is fueled by my feeling that such things aren't to be tolerated, but to be FIXED, and the emotions come from the lack of a fix.
I am not saying that it should be okay for me to be an emotional mess practically everyday, not at all. I am all for my seeking ways to "vent" or just cope or whatever in ways that aren't so demonstrative, or at least "redirecting" to where I rant/vent in the garage or at a punching bag etc. I'm merely saying that if I, on occasion, have a "rant" that's not the prettiest thing, then so long as it doesn't involve violence towards people and the like, big woop. We can't be perfect 24/7.
There is so much more going on here than I've written about. It's not as toxic or as awful as it sounds, or as one-sided either, trust me.
The point is, most people don't need to rant, except in extraordinary circumstances. Which means, once in a blue moon, every few years.
Actually I have heard of that suggestion previously, and wouldn't be opposed to it.
I like being the calm & nice person, and most times I am. The more I am that way, the happier I am, and the better I feel about myself. It's just that, well, we're humans, we're imperfect, and we have emotions. We all have our faults and they all come out in different ways. Mine involves becoming emotional to things such as objects becoming lost, getting behind someone driving below the speed limit and refusing to move, etc. Much of this is fueled by my feeling that such things aren't to be tolerated, but to be FIXED, and the emotions come from the lack of a fix.
I am not saying that it should be okay for me to be an emotional mess practically everyday, not at all. I am all for my seeking ways to "vent" or just cope or whatever in ways that aren't so demonstrative, or at least "redirecting" to where I rant/vent in the garage or at a punching bag etc. I'm merely saying that if I, on occasion, have a "rant" that's not the prettiest thing, then so long as it doesn't involve violence towards people and the like, big woop. We can't be perfect 24/7.
There is so much more going on here than I've written about. It's not as toxic or as awful as it sounds, or as one-sided either, trust me.
You might be a calm and nice person most of the time, but most of the time you are at work or sleeping.
Your wife and kids get much less time with you. My dad's "rants" maybe happened once a week when I was a kid, but that's ALL I REMEMBER. And I will never have a normal relationship with my parents because how can you respect someone like you?
I ask again - you ask your children to put up with your bad behavior, so why are you so strict and abusive with them? YOU should put up with theirs! After all, one can't be perfect 24/7. Unless they're your kids.
No, we're only seeing a snippet here. And given your unawareness of what you're doing is abusive, I am frightened about what you're too ashamed to share publicly.
It's just that, well, we're humans, we're imperfect, and we have emotions. We all have our faults and they all come out in different ways.
"Being human" also includes having the capacity to STOP harmful behaviors and LEARN new coping skills.
It's not a license to be an *sshole several times a week.
I love how you changed the title of this post to "I neet (sic) to blow off steam sometimes..." from "I hate having to edit myself ..." because THAT is really what you care about. You don't really care about the effect of your psychosis on your family. Your having to edit yourself is the WRONG thing to focus on.
All you've done since you started this psycho thread is back pedal and waffle and make excuses and rationalize your horrible behavior.
We ALL have to edit ourselves in order to coexist here, or else we'd all be dead or incarcerated. And all your posts are this way. You completely miss the point and drone on and on about the WRONG ISSUE.
I was married for 28 years to a man who insisted he didn't abuse me and how dare I cringe when he balled his hands into fists. Eventually, his screaming, shouting, and raging became more than just pounding a fist on a table and he ruptured my eardrum by slapping me on the side of the head. But, oh no, he didn't really hurt me, he said. It was just a slap, no bruising. Finally, after 28 years of escalating violence, a broken nose, and black eyes and bruises on my arms, I was strong enough to get out. But the damage was done - to me and to my sons.
Your description of making a 3 yr old stand on burning hot pavement is abuse.
Your description of bullying your child to go to bed is abuse.
Your description of the evil things you have said to your wife is abuse.
YOU described these things. Go look in a textbook on abusive behavior and it is you. These are not people's opinions, these situations are FACT - you are an abuser.
You have also made the first step into physically abusing your children and now your wife: you have isolated them. Physically isolated them. If you have any shred of love for even one of them, get help for yourself - and for them. Your children fear you; your wife fears you. And no one is there to come to their aid.
I was married for 28 years to a man who insisted he didn't abuse me and how dare I cringe when he balled his hands into fists. Eventually, his screaming, shouting, and raging became more than just pounding a fist on a table and he ruptured my eardrum by slapping me on the side of the head. But, oh no, he didn't really hurt me, he said. It was just a slap, no bruising. Finally, after 28 years of escalating violence, a broken nose, and black eyes and bruises on my arms, I was strong enough to get out. But the damage was done - to me and to my sons.
Your description of making a 3 yr old stand on burning hot pavement is abuse.
Your description of bullying your child to go to bed is abuse.
Your description of the evil things you have said to your wife is abuse.
YOU described these things. Go look in a textbook on abusive behavior and it is you. These are not people's opinions, these situations are FACT - you are an abuser.
You have also made the first step into physically abusing your children and now your wife: you have isolated them. Physically isolated them. If you have any shred of love for even one of them, get help for yourself - and for them. Your children fear you; your wife fears you. And no one is there to come to their aid.
You extrapolate too much. There is, I imagine, quite a wide chasm between yelling in general at frustration for 5 minutes because your item is missing vs pounding on a woman, which I've never done and would never do for any reason period. Isolation, please--they all are out of the house way more than they're in it, of their own accord and with zero protest from me with regards to it. All of us have the absolute liberty to come and go as we please. We live in the boonies for the same reason others do--so that if we make a little noise from ugly moods or if we cheer a game on with strong enthusiasm, no one is making a fuss about it--and we don't have to hear their fuss either. We can also walk our dogs without having to deal with 8032 cars roaring by every other second. Many a people voluntarily live this way.
If you want to argue the given behaviors of frustration over losing things as immature behavior, and behavior that has the POTENTIAL to escalate into more if not checked, that's fine, I'm all ears. Just as, say, a man may say he's not cheating if he looks at another woman, simply stares, but then what if she says "hi" and you engage her, and you talk, and you enjoy it, and then she says "want to grab a bite" and you're thinking "no big deal, we've all got to eat, it's not like we're getting a room" but next thing you know you ARE, and it all started with that stare--okay, maybe there's something to that. But please, enough with the hyperbole. We've had enough of that already, and yes, some of it has been of my doing.
Even so, don't mistake me--I'm sorry for what your husband did, in terms of being physically abusive. Really, that was not okay, and you were right to leave. I'm all for people leaving those sorts of hideous situations.
Last edited by shyguylh; 11-19-2014 at 12:13 PM..
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