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Those of you reading this have every right to tell me what a jerk I am, or sort of agree but not exactly, whatever.
Warning--this is a long post.
Basically--at times, and tonight is one of those times, I wish I was married to someone else, and that this someone else was someone more like me and not the opposite of me. In essence, I think the whole "opposites attract" and "you compliment each other's weaknesses" is pure bunk.
Here's the layout.
I am by nature one who can get pretty hot-headed about certain things, and I feel like I absolutely MUST "rant" or "vent" about it, I MUST. My wife hates it when I rant/vent about ANYTHING, I can never "let off steam" around her to ANY extent at all without her thinking I'm mad at her when I'm not, and becoming upset at the fact that I am upset, vs just realizing I'm blowing off steam and once I have all will be just fine.
At that moment, if I had to choose my "need" to rant or me being alive, I think I would choose #1. It is THAT important to me. I MUST "rant." I cannot be expected to just act like everything is okay and not "vent" just a little about how annoying whatever is. (Understand--I am not saying I have had suicidal thoughts, but that if someone told me I would never have to deal with suppressing my desire or need to rant/vent ever again but that it involved me dying, at such times I think I would actually choose it.)
Typically, I will "vent/rant" for a period of, say, 5-15 minutes and then it's over, I cool off, and all is okay.
One main leading aggravator of this condition--losing things. It incenses me. I have the expectation--and I absolutely REFUSE to let go of it, no matter the cost--that things should keep up with themselves pretty much, that I shouldn't have to be so disciplined and expend so much effort for things to not become lost. It should be like Yahoo! or Google--you ask where it is, and you are SHOWN where it is. GPS and Yahoo! were invented for people like me, absolutely.
I have no interest in doing the work required for things not to get lost, I expect it to be done for me supernaturally, and I would rather be thrown in a canyon with cinder blocks encircling my ankles than for me to let go of that expectation. I work at a job, I become tired, I do all that I have to do at my job and I do it to the point that people praise my work efforts--but when I'm home, I'm "off duty," work is OVER, and when I'm looking for something, I expect it to just happen automatically, like breathing, and I absolutely will NOT budge on feeling that way about it. If it means getting a divorce, I would rather do that than change how I feel about this. I am that entrenched in feeling this way.
So--what I want is for my wife, when I become irritated at my losing things, to just accept the fact that I'm going to be upset and "vent" a little, and just leave me alone to my feelings, stop trying to rationalize with me and stop trying to minimize my feelings on the matter. You are NEVER going to do it. Most of all, stop thinking that I am mad at YOU, because I am NOT mad at you, I am mad at the situation, I am just "venting." That is all. After I find the item, or I give up, I will calm down, and I'll be Mr Nice Guy again. But just like batteries have to be charged and gas tanks have to have gas added to them, I HAVE to let off steam. It is as much of a necessity for me as breathing.
Most of all, when I meet other women at work and see them become upset at such things in that way only to quickly return to "normal" once they've let off steam, I think to myself "thank you, someone who gets it." It is SO refreshing to be in the company of these women. I feel like I can just be myself and be ACCEPTED for it, rather than me having to change who I am for the sake of someone else who gives me no latitude or breathing room to be able to "have a moment" once in awhile, and is always taking it the wrong way thinking I'm mad at them when I'm mad at the situation, I'm not mad at them AT ALL. I only become mad at them for THINKING that I'm mad at them and continuing to talk to me as if I am when I'm not and when I've said it 19,000 million times before and you STILL don't get it.
I post this because all of this happened again tonight. I came home from work and was looking for something and could not find it, and it made me furious. I started ranting about how God ought to get off his lazy butt and just TELL ME where the item is, so I could just do what I needed to do and be done with it vs spending all of that time & energy having to look when my bones are tired and I'm SCREAMING for some rest.
Once again, my wife thought I was mad a HER, and I was NOT mad at her, I was mad at the situation. No matter how many times I told her this, she STILL kept on with me as if I was mad with her.
That is when I did lose it, and let her have it, even going so far as to tell her I wished I was married to someone else because I wouldn't have to keep explaining it 30,000 trillion times how I'm mad at the situation and not at my wife. I would be so refreshing, I told her, to be around someone who "gets me"--I rant/vent about the situation, I find the item or come to accept that it won't appear for now, and then I cool off and return to normal. Other women I've met, I told her, inherently understand this, I don't have to keep explaining it over and over. Around them, I can have my "moment" and it's OKAY for me to, they get it, because they're like me, they're the same way.
I do love my wife, and I do not want another woman most times. However, at those times--yes I DO want another woman. I don't want to have to keep my feelings bottled up because I have no latitude to vent even just a little. I see these other women who are just like me, whom I don't have to explain myself with, they just understand, and it is such a refreshing change. It is truly night and day.
I think of a good friend I have, a male, he and I are so much alike, and he has remained a good friend of mine, and me one of his, for going on 35-40 years. I credit it to the fact that we are so much alike and understand each other. I even jokingly told him that I wished he were a female because he'd made a great wife (and he even was okay with me saying that vs thinking I had "gone weird" on him). He will "rant" about things, I will do likewise, and it's OKAY. That is what I want with my wife, I do NOT want to have to never again rant about anything because she just can't get it through her thick skull that it's not about her, it's about the situation.
I'm sorry to say, I think you are acting like a child. You need to get your raging under control. No matter if it's "just" 15 minutes of yelling and pouting, it is disturbing to your wife. She probably hates to see you acting this way, because she is seeing an ugly side of you that is immature and out of control. She may even find herself losing respect for you.
My ex used to lose his temper too, and even though it was not at me, I found it very upsetting. I grew up with a Dad who yelled and hit, and as an adult it still made me anxious when my ex would carry on like that.
Anger management can help you resolve this problem and act like a rational human being when you lose something.
Okay, first off, I hope you apologized to your wife for being such an ******* to her.
Second, why do you think she thinks you are mad at her? Something tells me it goes like this:
*rummaging through the junk drawer looking for a screwdriver, huffing and puffing*
Wife hears it, and says "What are you looking for?"
You: "My ****ing screwdriver." * rummage* "Damn it! Where the **** is it?!?" *slams drawer*
Her: "I don't think it's in there. The last time I saw it you left it on the dryer"
You "I didn't leave it there. Did you put it there?!"
Her: "No. Why would I touch your ****?" *increasing her tone*
You: "Who the **** knows why you do anything." *goes and checks dryer* "It's not there. Any other bright ideas?!"
Her: "What the **** are you getting mad at me for!?!?"
Something like this? See why she wonders why you're mad at her? These other women, they don't have to give a **** if you're mad at them, because at the end of the day, they don't go home with you. They didn't marry you, and they don't love you. They are NOT "like" you. They don't "get" you. They just-don't-give a ****. If you think they aren't talking **** about you and your temper behind your back, you are delusional. You probably scare the **** out of them, so they just keep their mouths shut.
You have a serious problem, man. You need to get this dealt with whether you want to put in the effort or not. It's going to cost you your marriage. 15 minutes of rage can be terrifying. Imagine you were a woman, in an enclosed space (house), with someone who is absolutely losing it with all this rage that has zero direction to it. If I were her, it would always be on my mind that one day, that rage might just focus on my face. And you know what? I'd pack my ****, and I'd be gone.
Last edited by Magnatomicflux; 11-17-2014 at 12:02 AM..
I have no interest in changing that side of me. I want it to remain the way it is, because it's as much of a part of me as my gender and race is, and because we're all human and imperfect, and I don't appreciate being expected to be perfect. In fact, I would dare say that I would even choose the freedom to be who and what I am over my wife if it came down to it. Why should I have to change when it's something that lasts barely 10 minutes and when other people who KNOW me just ACCEPT that I'm this way? I'd feel far more comfortable and relaxed/at-ease with being able to just be myself. I have no interest in having to put in all of that WORK, if she just learned to accept it--not LIKE it, just ACCEPT it--all would be just fine.
It's not that I don't care how she feels, but that I think we all need some "latitude" with respect to not being perfect every single minute. If I were like that practically every minute of every day, then okay, I get the point. However, if you can't tolerate 5-10 minutes of me being mad about something, I think you're asking too much of me. You're expecting me to be perfect, and I'm not. Losing things is a major pet-peeve of mind, it's extremely upsetting, emotions are a part of the human existence, and ranting about it occasionally is nothing to be so freaking intolerant of.
That is what bothers me--it's as if she expects me to be perfect. That's ridiculous. Heck, earlier today, I couldn't find my wallet, but I DID NOT rant/vent about it, it took me a couple of minutes and I was becoming anxious, but I didn't rant/vent and when I found it I was glad that I didn't rant. Heck, my wallet is one of the main things I become REALLY upset at losing, because it's happened so many times and because it's something you need before you leave the house, and it's holding you up from getting on down the road. Even so, I remained calm.
So, I say, if I lose it for 5-10 minutes once in awhile, GET OVER IT. In fact, if there were an ultimatum delivered--change, shyguylh, or else your marriage is over, my reply would be "let me call my lawyer."
I have no interest in changing that side of me. I want it to remain the way it is. If I had to choose between my wife and it, I would choose it over her in a heartbeat. There are other women out there who would just accept me being that way, and if I were with them, I'd feel far more comfortable and relaxed/at-ease with being able to just be myself.
It's not that I don't care how she feels, but that I think we all need some "latitude" with respect to not being perfect every single minute. If I were like that practically every minute of every day, then okay, I get the point. However, if you can't tolerate 5-10 minutes of me being mad about something, I think you're asking too much of me. You're expecting me to be perfect, and I'm not.
That is what bothers me--it's as if she expects me to be perfect. That's ridiculous. Heck, earlier today, I couldn't find my wallet, but I DID NOT rant/vent about it, it took me a couple of minutes and I was becoming anxious, but I didn't rant/vent and when I found it I was glad that I didn't rant. Heck, my wallet is one of the main things I become REALLY upset at losing, because it's happened so many times and because it's something you need before you leave the house, and it's holding you up from getting on down the road. Even so, I remained calm.
So, I say, if I lose it for 5-10 minutes once in awhile, GET OVER IT, or get lost. I mean it.
Yeah, you have a major problem. I'm sorry to say.
No one's saying you have to be perfect, but they don't mean having that sort of issue.
Also, if I was your wife, I probably would have left you right on the spot after saying you wished you had married someone else.
When you said you need to vent, you MUST vent, I thought you were talking about something serious, like an unreasonable boss or other work stress, getting screwed over in a car repair, or some such. But it turns out you're just talking about misplacing your keys?? Not only that, you firmly believe you shouldn't be expected to keep track of your things around the house? You should just be allowed to be careless with your stuff, then blow up and scream for 10 minutes when you can't find something?
No. That's completely unreasonable and childish. You're a big boy. It's not that hard to put your keys (etc.) in the same place every day so you know where to find them. There's absolutely no need to throw a fit and potentially scare your partner just because you misplaced something. You don't have the right to create an upsetting living environment for your partner just because of this trivial cr@p.
Get a grip. Therapy is indicated. If I'd been in your partner's place, the courtship never would have lead to marriage. Being around you would have been much too distressing.
From what you explained, I don't even think it's a point of you being different so much as it is you flying off the handle when your upset about something (something as trival as lost object). This is the thing, it's probably all about how you do it, when your venting, she seems to be trying to be rational about what your going on about, this ends up making you amp up even more and then you go even harder which makes her think your mad at her...I only say that because the last argument you described, you ended up saying how you wish she wasn't your wife? So not cool
I have no interest in changing that side of me. I want it to remain the way it is. If I had to choose between my wife and it, I would choose it over her in a heartbeat, and I told her so, saying "that's the way I am, accept it or get the phuk out and don't ever come back." I said it and I MEANT it. There are other women out there who would just accept me being that way, and if I were with them, I'd feel far more comfortable and relaxed/at-ease with being able to just be myself..
You, sir, are a fool. Your wife doesn't deserve this. I'm surprised she's still with you.
If losing your wallet is such a hot-button issue, why don't you designate a place for it, and keep it there when you're not using it? Kids usually learn how to do that when they're around 6. It's not rocket science.
This has nothing to do with differences.
You seem to act like a petulant two year old over insignificant issues
Oh, and put your stuff away properly, you know, like an adult does.
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