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My parents were about as controlling as they come. When I was 18 my parents wouldn't allow me some freedoms that most 12 year olds have. After I moved out at 22, my parents spent the next several years trying to control my life from afar.
I find in my adult life, I am overly worried about how I am perceived by the people around me and find it way too difficult to say no. For instance people, even friends, who come into my life can control me at lot easier than they should be able to. I have a difficult time establishing boundaries. Slowly but surely I am learning, but it's still not easy.
I am also very afraid of intimacy. It doesn't help that I am gay in an extremely conservative town with ultra-fundamentalist parents, but I am afraid to cross the "point of no return" when it comes to doing something my parents would disagree with. Of course, my sister is heterosexual and she suffers from the same thing. My parents hated every friend both me and my sister had growing up, and we were never allowed to date (actually I was allowed to go one one date, with a girl my parents set me up with). They also did what they could to sabotage the friendships we had. That has made relationships quite difficult.
I am 31 now and sometimes feel like life is getting away from me and I never had the opportunity to really live it because of my parents.
I definitely know the feeling of feeling as if life is getting away from you. Although I've made a bold step to study abroad and am currently in the UK at the moment, I still feel a controlling grip of sorts in regards to making decisions for myself. Just the overall manner in which my sibling and I were raised doesn't upset me as much as it used to, but there are certain things in the present (conversations/movies/television shows) that will trigger flashbacks, such as the extreme instances of corporal punishment that were truly unnecessary, which in turn, upsets me mildly in thought.
Ultimately, I feel that, for those of us who've been brave enough to speak about our experiences, we're making steps towards bettering ourselves and providing hope for others who may not be able to speak out.
I was raised by very controlling parents along with my sister who is 20 months younger than I.
Got grounded from lunch period once when I was in the 7th grade because my mom found out I bought a milkshake with my babysitting money.
She would show up at the end of 5th period, walk me to the car. Make me eat lunch in the car then escort me back to my next period class when lunch was over. To ensure I wasn't exposed to those bad-influence non-vegan kids, of course.
My sister & I reacted completely opposite to it. My sister walked the line. Straight A student. Rarely wore pants, always long skirts. Never made a peep.
I, on the other hand, would sneak tight jeans to school, argued with teachers & started skipping school. Did drugs. A L O T of drugs.
The final straw for me was the summer inbetween 9th & 10th grade when I was grounded ... for the whole summer.
In June told my mom I was going outside to get the mail. And they didn't see me again until September. ...
Ended up leaving for good at age 16 with all my belongings in a Hefty garbage bag & essentially a 9th grade education.
Got pregnant ...
Meanwhile; my sister was graduating Valedictorian.
Had an epiphany of sorts after baby was born & I had no money for diapers & my phone was being shut off.
Went back to school, graduated with my RN at age 22, 9 months pregnant with # 4. On crutches with a broken leg.
Had a conversation with my mom years later & she was talking about how different my sister & I were. I said something along the lines of "We are so different; I'm sure you hoped I would be just like her"
Instead she looks at me & said "Oh no; quite the opposite! My actual intention was to raise TWO strong-minded & independent girls!"
Those who raised me were very controlling and neurotic. I DO NOT get along w people who are controlling as an adult and cut them out of my life pretty quickly.
Do you run into a lot of controlling adults you try to control you?
I could write a novel about my childhood and helicopter over controlling parents. Guilt trips and being controlled by fear and shame were the absolute worse. I will try to make it short..basically im an adult child struggling with making my own decisions and sticking to them, co-dependency, abandonment and trust issues, fear of love/intimacy, depression, and lack of confidence, and I struggle with establishing boundaries...also struggled with being able to speak and think for myself. I was smothered, way over protected, and I struggle to find my voice and mind to this day.
Sometimes I wish a giant intervention would happen with controlling parents or other figures of authority and those they seek to control to correct this problem, it is not normal, it is very damaging to the growth of one's psyche and their view of this world around them. As I speak I am working on writing a book about this very topic, I'm surprised that other people have experienced the same things I have.
I definitely know the feeling of feeling as if life is getting away from you. Although I've made a bold step to study abroad and am currently in the UK at the moment, I still feel a controlling grip of sorts in regards to making decisions for myself. Just the overall manner in which my sibling and I were raised doesn't upset me as much as it used to, but there are certain things in the present (conversations/movies/television shows) that will trigger flashbacks, such as the extreme instances of corporal punishment that were truly unnecessary, which in turn, upsets me mildly in thought.
Ultimately, I feel that, for those of us who've been brave enough to speak about our experiences, we're making steps towards bettering ourselves and providing hope for others who may not be able to speak out.
What I need is a fresh start, living somewhere I want to live, and making my own decisions. Moving back to the same small conservative city that my family lives in is probably the worst thing I could have ever done. My life has pretty much been on hold for the past four and a half years. Three more years to go and then I am out.
I also have a love/hate relationship with things of my childhood and I have to be nostalgic about it on my own terms. If my parents try to bring something from my childhood into the present, it usually brings back terrible flashbacks, almost like PTSD.
It's the letting go that is hard to do for control freaks and let others be individuals with their own thoughts and ideas.
Many people I know that come from controlling parents had to learn later in life how to listen to their own instincts.
This! Being able to listen to your gut instincts is a crucial survival skill, and kids of controlling parents often don't have that. It puts them at risk. They can end up doing poorly at school if they've never developed the ability to have their own thoughts, ideas and opinions about things, and to speak up for themselves. These often are the quiet kids in class, who don't contribute.
What I need is a fresh start, living somewhere I want to live, and making my own decisions. Moving back to the same small conservative city that my family lives in is probably the worst thing I could have ever done. My life has pretty much been on hold for the past four and a half years. Three more years to go and then I am out.
I also have a love/hate relationship with things of my childhood and I have to be nostalgic about it on my own terms. If my parents try to bring something from my childhood into the present, it usually brings back terrible flashbacks, almost like PTSD.
Yes, I think this wou,d be a positive first step. Move and go to a larger city, it may seem scary but you'll feel proud of yourself in no time when you finally take the initiative.
This! Being able to listen to your gut instincts is a crucial survival skill, and kids of controlling parents often don't have that. It puts them at risk. They can end up doing poorly at school if they've never developed the ability to have their own thoughts, ideas and opinions about things, and to speak up for themselves. These often are the quiet kids in class, who don't contribute.
I agree with this completely.
My entire twenties was one bad decision after another, like a line of dominoes, because I didn't listen to my own instincts and did whatever I felt I needed to do to be accepted by either my family or the people around me. I would be in a much better place in life right now and would be much happier if I would have listened to my instincts during these life crossroads as opposed to taking the path of least resistance.
My entire twenties was one bad decision after another, like a line of dominoes, because I didn't listen to my own instincts and did whatever I felt I needed to do to be accepted by either my family or the people around me. I would be in a much better place in life right now and would be much happier if I would have listened to my instincts during these life crossroads as opposed to taking the path of least resistance.
Hear hear!
I was like that with jobs throughout my 20's. While I was growing up, my family instilled in me that quitting anything is "wrong" and that an authority figures' orders were to be followed as the law. This included bosses and teachers, as well as the adults in the family. Me being the youngest in the family didn't help. I was always a "good" kid. Which resulted in me getting taken advantage of in my jobs as an adult. I also missed out on many fun adventures that most 20-somethings experience, due to my over-focus on work. I didn't get an epiphany about it until I got hospitalized from all the job stress I was experiencing.
Since I see SO's in general as a type of authority figure---the one that I can actually avoid---I refuse to get into any kind of LTR's, ever. Right or wrong, I don't really care. Like the "less government!" types, I value being left alone above all else.
A goal of mine is to someday create a network and to have a place built where adult kids from all over can meet up together (and/or connect online) and recover from what we have been through, therapy would be available obviously. We could relate to each other, and give each other strength...we could all work together to rebuild the lives we never were allowed to have growing up. We could motivate each other in taking our power back, learning life skills, and cutting chords with our overprotective parents (or anyone else who stunted our growth).
What say ye, yay or nay?
I have said this before on here i'm sure and I will say it again, It's a parents job to raise their kids and prepare them to make it in this world for when they are no longer alive. But when parents are intentionally not doing this for whatever reason, it is a serious problem. Growing up, we don't know what is normal, and im sure some of us have tried to fight back when a parent or whoever tried to keep us down, however that often resulted in the parents (in my case anyway) being more extreme with how they treat me and how they act, especially in public....thus, shutting me down. All I have ever wanted was to be broken free of their control/brainwashing, and to be more than..or should i say anything but, their goddamn daughter.
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