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Parents who are tipsy-to-drunk basically every evening aren't ever being truly present for their children. Why even have kids if you don't want to actually be there with them, mentally and physically?
Parents who are tipsy-to-drunk basically every evening aren't ever being truly present for their children. Why even have kids if you don't want to actually be there with them, mentally and physically?
Its hard to be mentally available for someone 24/7. If I dare say, impossible.
Its hard to be mentally available for someone 24/7. If I dare say, impossible.
There is quite the difference between being available 24/7 (impossible) and EVER available, which CAN happen if a person is more focused on when and where that next drink is coming from.
I speak from experience.
My DH was a functional alcoholic until alcohol killed him. He held his job, but after work, it was more important he go to the bar to get his fix, rather than attend our kids' after school activities (despite him telling the kids every day that he'd be there to see them). The few times he actually would show up, he had a small flask tucked in his pocket. He was definitely NOT present or available to our kids.
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There's 1 family of functional alcoholics I knew quite well who LiVED to drink. The parents had the same job all their lives. At any event where drinking was allowed, alcohol was consumed. Every weekend revolved around drinking to ths point of getting hammered. Even with children around.
Those children grew up. One was a functional alcoholic/mild drug use died in his 30's. God only knows how he even maintained his job until he paased on.
The 2nd one is a recovering drug addict/alcoholic. I remember her drinking underage and the family allowing it although its illegal
The 3rd is the "Golden Boy". The only kid in the family that never got into legal trouble. He drinks responsibly, has a family w/kids, works full-time
The 4th is a fuctional alcoholic similiar to her parents. Raising her daughter on her own, she has been in and out of relationships with men, even the ones she claims as "just friends". She's one of those women who feel needs a man in her life. She drinks to get drunk every weekend. Surprisingly, shes very smart academically and has a career she enjoys.
I've noticed other kids who grew up in those types of homes and choose not to drink or infrequently tend to be workaholics.
There seems to be a bit ofd issent as to what constitutes a functional Alcoholic. I don´t know maybe I am one. I drank mostly every night of the week for years, enough for a buzz. I was certainly capable of having a couple of glasses of wine or beers and still be there for my daughter.
I won´t drink normally until I am done for the evening, never could, but it does seem to help put the stress of the day away. I used to smoke weed-I think it is better and if it were legal I guess I probably would start smoking more and drinking less.
I worry about my daughter drinking ,she will turn 16 pretty soon and so she will be able to legally by beer and wine. Making your experiences with Alcohol is part of growing up but still I remember the stupid crap I did as a teen.
My daughter is away now so during the week =work, gym or run, home, cook, drink wine, look at tv sleep. Weekends= sail, windsurf or rock climb, drink beers,eat, look at tv, sleep
For the past few months I have been trying to drop a few pounds so I quit drinking during the week It does not seem to change things too much
Its hard to be mentally available for someone 24/7. If I dare say, impossible.
To some people it is a joy rather than a hardship. Remember, kids grow up. They then choose to what extent they want their parents in their lives, just like you are choosing with them right now.
Alcoholism is a disease, it's a diagnosis. It means a chemical dependency on alcohol.
True. As Utopian Slums pointed out in an earlier post, clinically, there is no such thing as a "functional alcoholic" (Wikipedia notwithstanding). In DSM terms, the people whom OP is referring to are probably abusing alcohol, not dependent on it (yet...and some of them may never become dependent).
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IMO, seeing parents who can simply enjoy an alcoholic drink occasionally and appropriately - at social gatherings, with food, at meals or celebratory occasions - will not cause a child any harm
It doesn't sound as if the OP is talking about that kind of drinker (a social drinker).
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However, seeing a parent clearly abusing or dependant on alcohol, witnessing an unhealthy relationship with it, binge-drinking, a loss of control...that is undeniably damaging in multiple ways.
Even when the parent checks out, so to speak, from drinking, the child is aware. Glued to the TV, not responsive to the child, preoccupied by his/her own thoughts, etc.
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Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
I would be really curious to know what that kind of effect that has on a child. I am sure it has some. Perhaps it sends a message about the only way to decompress. Or that it take wine for mom to be happy.
My uncle was a functioning alcoholic for 30+ years. We had no idea until he fell asleep and a fire started that nearly killed him. He admitted that he had passed out from drinking and had no idea what happened.
He immediately checked into AA and got himself cleaned up. In the 30 years of high-level functionality he went to work every weekday, and generally seemed normal. When he would come to family events he seemed sweaty and clammy, but we just thought that was HIM. Didn't realize it was DTs as the afternoon wore on (my parents don't drink, so there was no hair of the dog available for him on Thanksgiving or Christmas, for example).
Apparently he was consuming 2-3 bottles of wine all by himself every single day - more on weekends when he didn't have to work.
As for my husband, he drinks more than I'd like on occasion - and I can always tell when he reaches that line between just enough and too much. It's usually at that point that I check out and head upstairs for the remainder of the evening. Fortunately, those times are few and far between (maybe 6-7 times a YEAR). Now that our kids are older (10 and 11), they have no problem calling him out if they notice him having more than 2-3 drinks in an evening. My son is adamantly anti-alcohol, and makes anti- comments about it quite regularly in my husband's presence. He started doing that last year - I think he noticed on one occasion how much his dad had had to drink and decided he didn't like it.
I drink, but only rarely - maybe 4-5x a year (special occasions) and only 1-2 drinks per occasion. I hate beer and I don't drink wine, so the opportunities for me to drink are limited only to the times that mixed drinks are offered.
Back to the OP original topic: the effect of functional drinking on children.
I grew up with parents who partied all the time and drank a lot at home and socially. They held down respected full time white collar jobs and functioned quite well, and sent me to expensive private schools and college.
What it taught me as a child was that alcohol is the avenue to fun. I was partying hard by the time I was 15, stealing their liquor with friends, sneaking out, staying out all night, drunk driving, and putting myself in very unsafe situations where I could of been hurt or killed. They had no idea any of this went on because I was a good kid for the most part, and they were so tied up in their own social activities and drinking, that they never paid attention or cared. A few kids in high school weren't so lucky and got in bad accidents, girls got raped, etc.
The hard core partying only continued into college and got heavier and more risky. The partying affected my grades, skipping classes, etc. It led to allowing myself to date a guy for 4 years who was heavily into smoking weed and partying, because I was raised to accept it and at that age, you cant comprehend how behavior affects your future as an adult.
I was lucky as I matured and came out of it ok. I married well, grew out of drinking, and now only drink socially maybe 6-10 times a year. The chances of my life going downhill in the opposite direction were very high.
I come from a long line of pro alcoholics on both sides, so how I managed to never become an addict is beyond me. I have aunts and uncles on both sides who became chronic and functioning alcoholics. I have a 1/2 sibling whom I was never raised with, who is now a full blown black out, crazy, alcoholic with 4 DUIs, no license. The DICE did not ROLL in his favor; here is where the main problems lies - How much are you willing to gamble on your children?
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Originally Posted by Harpaint
To some people it is a joy rather than a hardship. Remember, kids grow up. They then choose to what extent they want their parents in their lives, just like you are choosing with them right now.
Exactly!
One day, a few years ago, my parents and in laws suddenly decided to stop their non stop partying due to the fact that they were all getting too old, on too much medication, and their friends were turning into hardcore drunks, or getting old and dying young. They now, suddenly want us in their life all the time, after all these years of neglecting us, and have begun laying on guilt trips and nagging us when we don't want to go to family get togethers, or have grandchildren for them to play with. Why was it never a priority for the last 35 or 40 years, until now? I am sorry, but it is too late to force your children into it, once you get old and realize that you suddenly want to make sure you have kids around to take care of you, or grandkids to spoil when you never wanted much to do with your own children. On my side of the family, there are 3 1/2 siblings in our 30s and 40s and NONE of us have had children or plan on it due to our neglectful upbringings. None of us are there to take care of our aging parents either, as we have all moved far away. If our parents spent more time actually raising us, instead of drinking and socializing into their 60's we may have formed a close family unit that saw more value in sticking together.
Okay, there are things getting mixed up here.
Alcoholism is a disease, it's a diagnosis. It means a chemical dependency on alcohol. 'Functional' in that context only means that the person is still managing to live a life, hold down a job and responsibilities etc., however that person is still sick and the dependency is still there. It means that the person needs their 'dose' regularly, and is NOT ABLE to go without it - if they try, they experience withdrawal symptoms starting with emotional distress, irritability, depression, and later on, a variety of physical symptoms.
With that in mind, what was described in the OP - enjoying a nightly glass of wine (or even two or three), or overindulging occasionally at a party, does NOT make someone an alcoholic! It could potentially lead to it, yes, especially if the person is genetically predisposed to it, but by no means is any random mom who likes a glass of wine a 'functional alcoholic'! That is quite a serious label to just stick on someone. The measuring stick is, how does that person fare without their nightly wine or whatever? Can they take it or leave it, or does it become an obsessive thought? Can they stop with no issue or does it take considerable, conscious willpower?
IMO, seeing parents who can simply enjoy an alcoholic drink occasionally and appropriately - at social gatherings, with food, at meals or celebratory occasions - will not cause a child any harm, in fact if anything it can help form a healthy attitude towards alcohol, like in many European families where children are even allowed a bit of wine at the dinner table. Having wine with dinner or serving alcohol at a party is, at least for most of society, completely normal, and I don't know anyone who would consider that alcoholism! However, seeing a parent clearly abusing or dependant on alcohol, witnessing an unhealthy relationship with it, binge-drinking, a loss of control, frequently drunk or hungover - that is undeniably damaging in multiple ways. I'm not sure which scenario is being discussed here.
Thanks for posting this helpful info- but, even more important, for bringing up the point that there is too much misinformation on this topic.
One thing I've noticed is individuals who have drinking problems (past or present) often cannot grasp that most people do not. (It reminds me of something I heard on tv: "when you're a drug addict, you want to believe everybody else is, too.") In the locale, I even read this on a popular lawyer's law firm web page- that if you drink, you probably have a problem.
I hope I'm not hijacking this thread- but is there any way to educate people about the facts?
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