When the bully decides to apologize (narcissists, mentally, abusive, parent)

[longneckone]

Originally Posted by nezlie

But here's the bigger question, if someone that bullied you or hurt you deeply in the past suddenly showed up and said they wanted to apologize to you, do you think you could find it within you to forgive them?

Simple answer here. NO!!!

[virgode]

Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn

A bully is a damaged, wounded, suffering person that has no idea how to deal with
his pain, dealt out to him as an innocent child...
he lashes out as easily as a rageful co-worker at 5:15 on the highway home.

I love your posts Miss Hepburn.....

maybe they're nature is mean spirited from birth and bully because, they can....

[Utopian Slums]

Originally Posted by virgode

I love your posts Miss Hepburn.....

maybe they're nature is mean spirited from birth and bully because, they can....

Those are usually 2 dif things.

1. Bullying because you know you can get away with it or
2. Bullying because you are repeating learned patterns

I went through a stage around 5th grade where I would gently slap my friends in the face reflexively from being slapped myself and oddly had another friend do it the next year to me.

The sad reality is that "real bullies" usually won't remember doing it. They're usually too narcissistic to think of your world. I've had situation where the denial of the event was more painful than the event itself.

[Miss Hepburn]

Originally Posted by virgode

I love your posts Miss Hepburn.....
maybe they're nature is mean spirited from birth and bully because, they can....

Thanks, virgode, xo...

This could be an example of the bigger picture...say, a soul is reborn, so that here you
have this sweet new-born baby...
he was treated with love by his parents...but you are thinking he
may be mean from the start.
Still, if that happened, I would say...in another life, and maybe over and over...
he was mistreated...was born with a 'chip on his shoulder'.

Would that make a difference when the injustice happened? Here or previously?
His soul is damaged, wounded so profoundly...and yet, his true self is as pure and
innocent and loved as a little puppy...but damage is damage, pain is pain and
it must be released...somehow.

Jesus was asked a question once, Was it this man's sins or his parents' that he was born blind?
You may recall, Jesus didn't miss a beat...he didn't say,' WHAT!?' How could it
be his sins that he was BORN blind...another nod to many lives.

The ego-mind doesn't know how to deal with it's pain...it thinks, wrongly,
that by pushing it 'outward' onto someone else, (haha, ex. simple road rage)
it can rid itself of it's suffering...like blowing off steam.

The 'ego' is a bad teacher or leader...it's nature is darkness and more darkness;
thus, personified as the devil or satan, the ruler of hell.

Troubled, suffering ruminations are a cycle that can, indeed, I believe...follow
a person from life to life until that special moment 'love, kindness, forgiveness'
is shown to it and it awakens to the possibly of freeing itself from grip of evil, dark pain.

We need to help our brothers and sisters in this cycle of pain (projected outward).
Unforgiveness and a lack of understanding will keep all of us locked in.

[Miss Hepburn]

Narcissism was mentioned.

Remember narcissism is incurable...why? Because in the very early
development of the brain, 'something abnormal' happened to them.

Example...they cried...normal growth would happen when loved and held.
Abnormal growth, ie, the synapses did NOT connect...when they were slapped or
ignored.
This is a medical fact...I'm didn't just make this up, haha!

STILL, they are victims of injustice, yet again...it is not their fault, exactly.
How they act out of their dysfunction if taken personally is as much the problem
as their own problem.
See?

Wisdom, insight, observation, and then, love heals.
There must be an end to the cycle.
Be that change, I say!

[wintersbone]

Personally a bully can just keep his mouth shut. The damage they cause was long ago and apologizing now is just resurrecting bad memories someone has probably tried to forget.

[Knightly Knight]

I say, no! Only because all through school, I defended the defenseless, having grown up in a neighborhood that had mob guys, VN Soldiers, the older guys, then us, I learned early on it's about choices, your either a good guy or your not. I always talked in class with kids who had no friends or other kids picked on, I walked the halls with the letter "C" on my jersey because I was the team Captain and ACTED like one. No one gets a pass for tormenting, or abuse of any kind, it's good they learned the error of their ways later on because in my Neighborhood they could've had the snot knocked clean out or worse. Nope, your either the defender of the defenseless, or the person who looks away or the bad guy. No one gets a pass for abuse, no one. No thank you! now you can go..

[cam1957]

I can speak from watching both of my sons being bullied in school and the lack of parental acknowledge and denial of their "snowflakes disgusting behavior" even when the school psychologist was called into the mix and all 7 parents refused to attend the meeting. I watched the living hell my kids went through and it killed me to know it was happening. Had I been an educated person, I would have home schooled both of them. The one son eventually got through it, although it took a long time. I watched my older son being harrassed as a senior in high school by a wrestling team member and I wanted to jump out of those bleachers and.... I'll leave that up to your imagination, but I left it up to him to deal with it. I did understand why he hated school, although he was extremely smart and almost failed his senior year by not attending school only to be bullied. Did it help them? I don't see how any type of abuse helps anyone. The only time it helped him was when his Dad made him set a time and date to fight one bully after school hours in grade school. His Dad took him and every time this big lug would knock my kid down, my husband would demand that he get back up and not take his crap anymore and he ended up winning the fight because he was so tired of being beat up on by this big lug and he gave him everything he had. He got suspended from school for it, but it was worth it to him and to us as parents knowing that abuse was ending and it did as they became friends after that.

Everyone isn't born with strong fighting skills be it emotionally or physically. If you have those skills, then you are blessed. I wasn't one of them, but at this late stage in my life, I'm finally learning to stop being a doormat for anyone.

My last job of 11 years was in an abusive environment and I went for counseling on how to cope with that. I stayed at the job because I was vested for a pension, not educated and made more money than those who are educated, I had a mortgage and mouths to feed, along with good health insurance. Standing up to an adult bully only makes the bulls-eye on your back bigger.

My bully was the favorite child in her family as she called herself the best & brightest. When I first met her I thought she was the greatest and funniest person I'd known. It took me 2 years to see her true colors. She was manipulative, underhanded, cruel to the core, an emotional sadist unable to show empathy to anyone outside of her family, although she did put on a good show. Anyone that didn't work in the office thought she was a wonderful person. Those of us that worked with her daily knew the extent of her cruelty. I walked because I had enough of it one day and I was happier than all get out to be gone from the middle school environment. I found out a month later that she lied and was slandering my name. That's what killed me more than anything. What was done to me was downright disgusting, but what was told to people as to my quitting was so unconscionable and humiliating that it had me in a deep dark hole for 3 years as I went for counseling for what was misdiagnosed as depression and now I find out it was PTSD.

She wasn't mistreated as a child at all. Maybe she was even coddled, but I assume she was a "mean girl" in her youth and she never grew out of it. I assume her parents refused to believe their snowflake could do no wrong. I'm going to blame genetics on her psychopathic and sociopathic behavior.

I've forgiven her, but for my mental health. I'll never forget the cruelest thing ever done to me by anyone. I'm in the process of healing now and I'm crawling out of the hole that I allowed her to put me in. I'll come out of this a wiser and better person.

Blame me if you wish for not having a backbone and avoiding confrontation. It's just not in my genetic make up to be a fighter. Until you've walked in my shoes, you have no right to judge me or any other person, be it a child or an adult.

Parents need to quit turning their heads when their kid gets into trouble and believing every word that that kid tells them. All kids lie and some of them get into trouble. Until parents come to the realization that their little darlings aren't perfect, you'll continue to see school violence and I'm in no way defending that behavior. But respect of all people starts at home.

There is NO excuse for bullying/abusing anyone! Every person that's bullied isn't emotionally strong enough to walk away from the situation. Some of them are so emotionally torn down by the abuse, they end it by violence.

I choose to believe that we reap what we sow in life and hopefully the bullies will get their payback for the way they've chosen to abuse other people.

[cam1957]

Originally Posted by Knightly Knight

I say, no! Only because all through school, I defended the defenseless, having grown up in a neighborhood that had mob guys, VN Soldiers, the older guys, then us, I learned early on it's about choices, your either a good guy or your not. I always talked in class with kids who had no friends or other kids picked on, I walked the halls with the letter "C" on my jersey because I was the team Captain and ACTED like one. No one gets a pass for tormenting, or abuse of any kind, it's good they learned the error of their ways later on because in my Neighborhood they could've had the snot knocked clean out or worse. Nope, your either the defender of the defenseless, or the person who looks away or the bad guy. No one gets a pass for abuse, no one. No thank you! now you can go..

I totally agree with you and applaud you for your pro-active stance to defend the defenseless. It takes one heck of a person to do as you did and I'm sure you made a major impact on those kids lives. You had to be so strong emotionally to be able to go against the peer pressure of all of the other kids that were afraid and turned their heads.

I proudly can say that my younger son became like you in middle and high school because of him being bullied in grade school. One kid even came and told me that my son defended him and he looked to my son as his mentor.

You deserve a million Atta Boys Knightly Knight!

[convextech]

Originally Posted by nezlie

But here's the bigger question, if someone that bullied you or hurt you deeply in the past suddenly showed up and said they wanted to apologize to you, do you think you could find it within you to forgive them?

This reminds me of the AA thing where they tell the addict to go back and apologize to everyone they've ever hurt. Pffft!

What I say is this: actions speak louder than words. Prove you're sorry by becoming a better person. Otherwise, get out of my face and don't come back.