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My father was categorized as a narcissist by a counselor who had worked with both my parents for their marital issues and then counseled my mother after the dissolution of the marriage. He pretty much fits the profile from what I can tell. He's a great father (even with me heading towards 40), but man he can be callous towards others! This has been my greatest struggle in our relationship - he can be an awful person, but a really wonderful father. Still, we are close.
However, my mother is no walk in the park. In fact, I get along better with my father, which bothers me a bit. Growing up, she was both kind of smothering and needy in her attention to me AND highly critical. It was very strange - she'd build me up telling me I was smart and beautiful and then tear me down a few minutes later. My closest friends thought it was hysterical (but also appalling) and joke that if we'd been of legal age, they'd have made her habit of criticizing me into a drinking game.
She was very unhappy in her marriage to my father, and I suspect some of that she took out on me. I also suspect she was trying to live through me a bit.
All my life she's been very defensive about any implication that she was less than perfect - to the point that she turns into a shrieking lunatic without warning sometimes if the conversation turns to any hint of a shortcoming on her part. (Her siblings claim she was always like this.) She's also capable of being pretty manipulative and catty.
Often she rewrites events so that she comes off as the wronged party or the sane one. I used to feel confused by this, but after she denied saying something she sent me in an email, I know that I'm not crazy. She really does rewrite things in her head, even if it means denying something that is in actual print.
She's very popular and a self-described princess. She definitely tends to be materialistic and dramatic.
I have a very happy life in my adult years, and I know that the tools that BOTH my parents helped me develop are why I have achieved that happiness. I am grateful to both of them, and I love them both dearly. But whereas I can relax with my father and have fun chatting and joking with him, when I'm with my mother I feel like I'm trying to keep up with some idealized mother-daughter script in her head and I always fail. I'm generally biting my tongue in half, with my blood pressure rising and we never talk about anything of substance. I try to avoid disagreeing with or challenging her because I don't feel like expending the energy involved in a fight.
And while she has greatly reined in her tendency to criticize (because she knows it will drive me away), I find that I'm still always EXPECTING it. It's almost like I'm in a defensive crouch emotionally when I'm around her because of the fact that she was so critical for so many years and because of her arguing style - she'll basically go nuclear and say the most terrible things she can think of at the first sign of provocation (which could just be something as innocuous as questioning her).
I've set some boundaries. She knows that I will walk away and not look back if she pushes me too far (she's done remarkably well not commenting on my weight, for example, and while she pans me regularly for being an atheist, she no longer tries to get me to go to church). So the constant outright criticism has been muted to backhanded insults when she introduces me to her friends and the like. "Hi Jack, this is my daughter. She's a liberal." (said with a sneer.)
I dunno - it feels like sometimes I had a mean girl as my mom. I don't trust her emotionally even though she always tells me how much she loves me and wants to spend time with me.
I'm going back home for an extended visit over the holidays, and thankfully I won't have to stay with her. But I want to enjoy the visit. She's currently got a boyfriend, so I'm hoping she'll be distracted from wanting too much mother-daughter time. However, I'd like to enjoy the time we actually DO spend together.
I guess my questions are is her behavior a psychological issue on her part? Aside from the minimal boundaries I have set, which she generally respects, are there any possible strategies for dealing with her that I'm not already using?
Like I said, she's backed off on the church and weight issues, and she isn't pushing me to have a kid anymore. I'm trying to meet her halfway, but I just view one-on-one time with her with complete dread. And that's all she really wants from me. She loves me and a lot of the great life I have today is because of her. The least I can do is spend some time with her when I come back to my hometown area. Is there anything more I can do to make it less excruciating and exhausting?
I can get along with anyone - I'm almost legendary for that ability. My bosses and my friends frequently comment on it. So why does it feel like such hard work when I'm with my mom?
Have you Googled Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Both of my parent have NPD and it manifests differently in both -- except one main thing: both are highly critical of me.
When your friends are appalled and joke about drinking games each time she criticizes, I think: NPD.
I don't think it's really occurred to most therapists that within a couple -- both are problem-people. Not just one.
Your mom may have learned to be that way due to her upbringing?
Maybe if you understand more of where she's coming from, you'll feel differently about her comments towards you?
If that isn't something either you or her feel comfortable doing, then it's a matter of finding other topics to discuss.
Thanks for sharing, hope as things evolve it will be more relaxed...
Her own mother was a major critic and had a black belt in passive-aggressiveness. Also tended to be pretty catty and gossipy.
So I know where it comes from. And I do tend to try to find other topics to discuss, but sometimes she'll bring up one of the hot-button topics as if she wants to discuss and then gets angry when I don't agree with her.
I really do work hard to have neutral topics on hand to discuss with my parents. I guess I know what I have to do - it's just so damn exhausting and nerve-wracking when my mother is the one involved. When I let down my guard, I end up taking the bait, ya know?
Have you Googled Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Both of my parent have NPD and it manifests differently in both -- except one main thing: both are highly critical of me.
When your friends are appalled and joke about drinking games each time she criticizes, I think: NPD.
I don't think it's really occurred to most therapists that within a couple -- both are problem-people. Not just one.
Poor you -- I'm really so sorry.
Alley
I think you made some good points. The therapist tended to make a lot of excuses for my mother, I think. And I think she didn't realize how manipulative my mother could be.
I have been wondering about NPD as a possible explanation, frankly, even though it manifests very differently from how my father's NPD does. It took me a long time to get to this point.
You know, it's funny - I was talking with a friend of mine who was married to a man with NPD. She had two daughters with him and said that my perception that my father was a great dad despite the NPD wasn't at all off. She said that her husband was also a great dad to their girls - and that she was thankful she never had sons with him because he would have seen them as competition or threats. I wonder if my mother sees me as competition or a threat in some ways? I am her polar opposite in so many ways that I sometimes think she sees me as a big ol' middle finger to everything she holds dear.
Any information about your parents counseling and conditions is coming to you second hand. Take notice 'dads labeled narcissist'; from your own experience you're aware mom rewrites the script to avoid any accountability. Moms classic narc, jealous of the good relationship with dad. The orbits all about them and dad got his supply through you. Mom's scapegoat; you. As far as therapists, if they're not relating move on. Book knowledge doesn't compare to everyday life with narcissists. If you're hoping for Moms change, wishful thinking. Even when the illusions given otherwise, just enough to catch with your guard down, its a hurtful game. Sticking to boundaries for damage control and limiting contact is the best you can do. Unfortunately, this may be as good as it gets.
Yeah, unless OP can get the art of redirect down cold, where every jab and gibe from mom gets the most vague and open ended response possible... instead of "taking the bait", as she puts it.
I noticed you mentioned your lack of trust. That would be my first clue that your visits will never go smoothly. In any other situation, when you don't trust something, what do you do about it?
Sometimes, absense makes the heart grow fonder.
Be truthful and tell her that you need to take a break so you can get your strength back.
If she really loves you, she'll grant you the peace.
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