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This is what I mean by nuance. To me a question is a question. I never analyzed the difference.
Some background:
I grew up rather sheltered and didn't do much. I do not have a frame of reference for a lot of things, so many things go over my head. I find that I can't relate to people because I don't have a lot of experiences (not a mom, married to my first love so not a lot of relationships, no kids, not well traveled). I hate small talk.
And I'm not even sure if I'm talking about Emotional Intelligence anymore lol.
I would call it knowledge of some sort instead of intelligence. I believe intelligence has more to do with how fast you process information, how fast you can learn. I think most of us learn in chunks, not too hard but not too easy.
Thank you for providing your background. It helps. I do wonder two things. How do you know you are having a difficult time with people? What are they doing to let you know?
I would call it knowledge of some sort instead of intelligence. I believe intelligence has more to do with how fast you process information, how fast you can learn. I think most of us learn in chunks, not too hard but not too easy.
Thank you for providing your background. It helps. I do wonder two things. How do you know you are having a difficult time with people? What are they doing to let you know?
Ok, let me give you a work example.
My office is located along the same hallway as other managers. They will speak to me everyday, but that's it. No dropping by to chat, no small talk before the meeting starts, etc. Now, most of this is my fault. I don't stop by their offices and chat, either. I don't strike up conversations during that lag time before the meeting. We talk about work, but that's it. I don't know how old they are, what they do for fun, etc.
Anyway, as a consequence I am not included in many things. They all went out for Chinese and I didn't even know until they got back, for example. They didn't ask me to go - it was almost like they forgot I was there.
In normal everyday life, people just mystify me. In the doctor's office, I am lost in my phone because I don't want to talk to anyone. The main reason that I do this is because I don't want that dreaded "So, what do you like to do?" question. I like to watch TV/movies, eat out, work out, and shop lol. I don't have any fun hobbies like mountain climbing or whatever "fun" people do. I don't even like football.
My husband can strike up a conversation with anyone. While we waited on a table at IHOP, he got into a long conversation with the couple sitting next to us. I just sat there and smiled, I had nothing to add.
My office is located along the same hallway as other managers. They will speak to me everyday, but that's it. No dropping by to chat, no small talk before the meeting starts, etc. Now, most of this is my fault. I don't stop by their offices and chat, either. I don't strike up conversations during that lag time before the meeting. We talk about work, but that's it. I don't know how old they are, what they do for fun, etc.
Anyway, as a consequence I am not included in many things. They all went out for Chinese and I didn't even know until they got back, for example. They didn't ask me to go - it was almost like they forgot I was there.
In normal everyday life, people just mystify me. In the doctor's office, I am lost in my phone because I don't want to talk to anyone. The main reason that I do this is because I don't want that dreaded "So, what do you like to do?" question. I like to watch TV/movies, eat out, work out, and shop lol. I don't have any fun hobbies like mountain climbing or whatever "fun" people do. I don't even like football.
My husband can strike up a conversation with anyone. While we waited on a table at IHOP, he got into a long conversation with the couple sitting next to us. I just sat there and smiled, I had nothing to add.
I just feel invisible most of the time.
Sorry this is so long.
I think your post was as long as it needed to be, so thank you.
First of all, the managers lack courtesy for not trying to include you especially if all you do is avoid small talk with them. Don't think for a second you've got it "wrong" and they've got it "right" in the grand scheme of social things. (Personally, I never make friends with people who lack courtesy, but I do treat them with courtesy.)
For your situation, you have to learn to play by their rules if you want to be asked out to lunch. I would learn the rules in this order. Watch, listen, try to copy and then ask questions to understand. Right now you feel like you failed in some way but just consider yourself in the watching and listening phase. Now it is time to try to copy.
I think your post was as long as it needed to be, so thank you.
First of all, the managers lack courtesy for not trying to include you especially if all you do is avoid small talk with them. Don't think for a second you've got it "wrong" and they've got it "right" in the grand scheme of social things. (Personally, I never make friends with people who lack courtesy, but I do treat them with courtesy.)
For your situation, you have to learn to play by their rules if you want to be asked out to lunch. I would learn the rules in this order. Watch, listen, try to copy and then ask questions to understand. Right now you feel like you failed in some way but just consider yourself in the watching and listening phase. Now it is time to try to copy.
What do you think?
Thanks. I do think I come from a place of "what am I doing wrong?" when it may not be me at all. But, I do realize that I make it hard to get to know me.
I do think that's a good idea. I am still unsure by what you mean when you say ask questions to understand. I can grasp the context in a work setting, but not a social one.
This morning, I walked to my colleague's desk and told her I was going to City Hall for something. I forgot something in my office and walked back to get it. A clerk was using my pencil sharpener on my desk. It was like she waited until I left (she sits right outside my colleague's office so I know she heard me tell her I was leaving). I asked her, making sure to keep my voice friendly, why she didn't just walk in while I was there. Her answer? "I didn't want to bother you." I assured her that she could come in whenever she liked, as long as my door was open. She smiled and said she would.
That exchange left me wondering about the vibe that I'm giving off.
Thanks. I do think I come from a place of "what am I doing wrong?" when it may not be me at all. But, I do realize that I make it hard to get to know me.
I do think that's a good idea. I am still unsure by what you mean when you say ask questions to understand. I can grasp the context in a work setting, but not a social one.
This morning, I walked to my colleague's desk and told her I was going to City Hall for something. I forgot something in my office and walked back to get it. A clerk was using my pencil sharpener on my desk. It was like she waited until I left (she sits right outside my colleague's office so I know she heard me tell her I was leaving). I asked her, making sure to keep my voice friendly, why she didn't just walk in while I was there. Her answer? "I didn't want to bother you." I assured her that she could come in whenever she liked, as long as my door was open. She smiled and said she would.
That exchange left me wondering about the vibe that I'm giving off.
You are welcome.
I wouldn't worry about the vibe you gave off in the past. Just be glad the exchange happened today and you cleared things up. People who are willing to hear you out are worth building a relationship with.
Don't worry about the questions for now because that usually comes last. I probably wouldn't even ask questions of the people you are trying to copy either.
I wouldn't worry about the vibe you gave off in the past. Just be glad the exchange happened today and you cleared things up. People who are willing to hear you out are worth building a relationship with.
Don't worry about the questions for now because that usually comes last. I probably wouldn't even ask questions of the people you are trying to copy either.
I think I developed emotional intelligence as a child when I watched my alcoholic parents act like idiots. I recognized from an early age that they were seriously flawed. For some reason I am a magnet for emotionally flawed people. I think experience dealing with people who are damaged from being hurt and abused has given me a lot of insight and kindness. I guess we all have a different definition of what emotional intelligence is. My definition would be that no matter how someone hurts you, you have the insight to recognize their pain and to still feel empathy for them. To this day I have a difficult time dealing with alcoholics, but I try to look past their mood swings and "stinkin thinkin" to the core of the human being that is suffering. I can be empathetic and feel their pain. Then I kick them to the curb because ain't nobody got time for that kind of abuse. I would however hold their hand every step of the way if they chose a path to being healthy both physically and mentally. Emotional intelligence also has a strong element of self preservation as well, and there is a difference between being a door mat victim and being an emotionally healthy person.
Were you an only child? You mentioned that your Mom was not around when you were growing up. If you did not have a good caregiver to take her place, that must have been very hard on you. I was the only child of a woman who never wanted me. She'd ignore me a lot and her own emotional intelligence was extremely lacking, to say the least. Small children are largely socialized by their parents - mostly by their mothers. I tend to be a very quiet person myself, and I'm lousey at small talk. I've read all the emotional self-help books, and they've helped me a little. I've learned to compliment others if I feel they deserve it - earing something pretty, doing well at their job, etc. I've also learned to ask people about themselves - almost everyone's favorite topic. When you get to work in the morning, greet your co-workers - even if just briefly. Start out with baby steps and progress from there. These things have helped me, and while I've hardly been named Miss Personality, I do feel more at ease with those around me. Best of luck!
Were you an only child? You mentioned that your Mom was not around when you were growing up. If you did not have a good caregiver to take her place, that must have been very hard on you. I was the only child of a woman who never wanted me. She'd ignore me a lot and her own emotional intelligence was extremely lacking, to say the least. Small children are largely socialized by their parents - mostly by their mothers. I tend to be a very quiet person myself, and I'm lousey at small talk. I've read all the emotional self-help books, and they've helped me a little. I've learned to compliment others if I feel they deserve it - earing something pretty, doing well at their job, etc. I've also learned to ask people about themselves - almost everyone's favorite topic. When you get to work in the morning, greet your co-workers - even if just briefly. Start out with baby steps and progress from there. These things have helped me, and while I've hardly been named Miss Personality, I do feel more at ease with those around me. Best of luck!
- Rambler
No, I have a sister. Funny enough, she is great with people, but then she always was.
No good caregivers growing up. My mom was around physically, but she was an addict so yes, my childhood was hard.
" Small children are largely socialized by their parents - mostly by their mothers."
Well, I'm in huge trouble then.
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