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Bipolar is an illness, a disease. Brain chemicals are haywire. This father is not responsible for any of his behavior no matter how bad it was for his family. Thoughts are not rational as you probably noticed and the patient has no recollection in most cases to what he does during his manic or depressive episodes.
Instead of blaming, congratulate him on surviving long enough to be at the wedding. Without support and treatment he can just as easily jump off a balcony which is very common for those who suffer with it.
Your Dad should be a the wedding and walk her down the aisle providing of course his mood is stable.
People with bipolar disorder and most other mental illnesses still have self-determination. They are not babies. It is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for any hurtful or harmful behavior. Of course consideration must be given for the challenges, but at the very least, when one has children there is an obligation to seek and make a sincere effort at treatment and management, and to mitigate how much one's own problems hurt one's offspring.
Mania (usually less overt or severe than your Dad's) can manifest as an overly forceful opinion, often having to do with something that is none of your business. In fact, it's a classic symptom. The depressive episodes often become apparent after the manias do.
Manic depression is heritable, and its manifestations can vary from one generation or individual to another. It often has its onset in the twenties. See a shrink - just in case.
It's so obvious. He's detached himself in order to cope with what he went through.
Now he's attempting to win by "not playing the game," making like he "doesn't care" what actually happens. This blog post explains it pretty well.
Absolutely. But she might want to know why I might not attend.
I mean I would want to know if there was a reason she was contemplating not attending my wedding.
You're being self centered. "She may want to know why I won't attend."
What kind of brother would even put his sister in that predicament? Over something that is so petty. Guess what? Grown women, some WITH living fathers, walk themselves down the aisle by their own choice. There is no rule when it comes to who gives a bride away. Sure, those who are extremely traditional follow certain "etiquette" however the decision to be made is left up to the bride and groom.
If your convictions are so strong that you cannot put your own wants/desires aside and be present in the moment to support your sister then you are selfish.
What's next? You're not going to attend a person's wedding because you don't like their flower choices? Which, I might add, are optional too. I know. People get to decide what they want at their wedding. Who wouldda thought.
People with bipolar disorder and most other mental illnesses still have self-determination. They are not babies. It is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for any hurtful or harmful behavior. Of course consideration must be given for the challenges, but at the very least, when one has children there is an obligation to seek and make a sincere effort at treatment and management, and to mitigate how much one's own problems hurt one's offspring.
We may be looking at this the wrong way. We're castigating the OP for not supporting his sister. But maybe we should be viewing it as an opportunity for his sister. She gets to see what a self-centered and rigid person her brother is and maybe it will allow her to drop a toxic person from her life. I can't imagine this is the only time her darling brother has thrown his weight around to get his way.
We may be looking at this the wrong way. We're castigating the OP for not supporting his sister. But maybe we should be viewing it as an opportunity for his sister. She gets to see what a self-centered and rigid person her brother is and maybe it will allow her to drop a toxic person from her life. I can't imagine this is the only time her darling brother has thrown his weight around to get his way.
Solid point. You know what they say... Weddings, funerals, and babies being born, tend to bring out people's true colors. If I were her I wouldn't want someone so toxic in my life let alone my wedding.
So I am suppose to force myself to participate in something I am completely against simply because its her wedding?
Makes a lot of sense.
If you respect her wishes, yes. That's exactly what it means. It means you accept her decision, suck it up, go to the wedding FOR HER, and make no other mention of it.
By you not attending, you are not accepting nor respecting her wishes.
I think that one day you're going to regret not being at your sister's wedding. Think about that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SinaloaPaisa
No one said anything about throwing a hissy fit. Simply telling your opinion and saying regrettably you might not be able to attend calmly one time is not throwing a hissy fit.
I only mentioned it once with my sister and will not bring it up again.
Calmly? That's not what you said in the beginning. And you didn't merely calmly say, "I will not be able to attend", you badgered her:
Quote:
Anyways, my sister is getting married this year and while driving she mentioned she wasnt sure if she was gonna include father in the ceremony (walking down the isle etc). I was shocked and got pissed. I tried to explain to her that, that is one of the most important things / day to a father. She needed to put aside her differences and the past for one day and be the better person, do the right thing. She didnt really agree and I told her she needs to make up her mind because I would not be able to be apart of something like that. I just cant even imagine my dad being in attendance and seeing my mom's finance or some other dude walking my sister down the isle. (i wouldnt walk her down the isle and we have no grandfather alive).
So let's continue on with this paragraph:
Quote:
...I tried to explain to her that, that is one of the most important things / day to a father...
No. It's the most important day FOR HER.
Quote:
...She needed to put aside her differences and the past for one day and be the better person, do the right thing. ..
Pot, kettle, black.
Quote:
...I told her she needs to make up her mind because I would not be able to be apart of something like that. I just cant even imagine my dad being in attendance and seeing my mom's finance or some other dude walking my sister down the isle. (i wouldnt walk her down the isle and we have no grandfather alive)
The wedding day isn't about you or what you would do. It's not about you. It's NOT about you. It. Is. NOT. About. You.
Quote:
The next day I bring it up to my mom (i know she is not gonna agree with me) but I felt like speaking my mind. She gets really pissed and says she cant believe I would say that to my sister and try to manipulate her and make her choose. I tell her I have principle and just wasnt sure I could participate in something like that.
Oops, you mentioned it more than once. You think your mom and sister don't talk?
Your "principle" sounds to me like: 'I would order the blue flowers instead of the pink flowers because my dad likes blue flowers better, so if my sister doesn't order blue flowers for the wedding, then I just can't be part of that, because that's not how I would do it.' That's exactly what you sound like.
Quote:
It might appear that way but that was not my intentions at all.
You are missing a big key point in this statement. It doesn't matter what your intentions were, it's how they feel about what you've said. JUST LIKE it doesn't matter if your dad had a mental illness and "unintentionally" caused them grief and pain, it's how they feel about what happened. You adamantly REFUSE to even validate how they feel, you make assumptions that your sister is doing this as an act of revenge, and because you didn't have the same experiences, you think that you know how everyone should be feeling. You are sorely lacking in any type of empathy, which as has been pointed out, is a coping mechanism.
Validate your sister's feelings. They are hers, they are true, no matter how much you wish them away.
Respect your sister's decision. Attend and shut up about it.
Realize that none of this is about you. It's actually not your damn business.
This is between your sister and her father. It doesn't have a thing to do with you, stop making it about you.
If you can't be civil towards your sister, tell her that you can't be civil, will not attend because you can't be civil, stay home, and shut up about it. Deal with the backlash that will happen.
Don't come back on this forum crying to us about problems with your sister because you didn't attend her wedding.
Last edited by Three Wolves In Snow; 01-01-2016 at 11:16 PM..
If you respect her wishes, yes. That's exactly what it means. It means you accept her decision, suck it up, go to the wedding FOR HER, and make no other mention of it.
By you not attending, you are not accepting nor respecting her wishes.
I think that one day you're going to regret not being at your sister's wedding. Think about that.
Calmly? That's not what you said in the beginning. And you didn't merely calmly say, "I will not be able to attend", you badgered her:
So let's continue on with this paragraph:
No. It's the most important day FOR HER.
Pot, kettle, black.
The wedding day isn't about you or what you would do. It's not about you. It's NOT about you. It. Is. NOT. About. You.
But one can respect a decision without being apart of it.
But one can respect a decision without being apart of it.
Three Wolves in Snow calls you out on each and every contradiction and immature, selfish statement you've made and yet you are still showing no sign of taking away anything from what nearly everyone has said. You're only hearing what you want to hear and keep telling yourself that your choice and reaction is appropriate. So why come here and ask for advice?
If you respected your sister you would be there for her without selfishly putting YOUR convictions before HERS on HER day. It's your sister we are talking about. Not some colleague. Acquaintance. Heck, not even a cousin or distance relative where perhaps I could excuse your selfish behavior. This is your sister. You have not been respectful towards her at all with your behavior thus far and if you don't attend her wedding you've gone and severed that tie to her.
You can choose to be selfish and justify it. If that makes you feel better and helps you sleep at night then you do what you have to do.
You remind me of a racist uncle I had. He used to say "It's not that I don't like black people. I just don't want to live near them. I'm a 'separatist' not a racist." He was self-absorbed. Racist. Ignorant. But in his own mind he justified his racism. He "respect black folk and think they should have rights but I don't want those rights to infringe on me or my community" (yes, an actual quote). He had to somehow twist his reality and wear rose colored glasses when looking at himself so he could live with the choices he made. To everyone else he was a racist d*ck that we all couldn't stand. Before he passed away he kept telling us how his biggest regrets in life were the ones where he was too stubborn to admit he was wrong or change his way of thinking. There weren't many people there for him before his passing. He pushed so many away and burned too many bridges beyond repair. That's a hard pill to swallow when you realized before you die that the reason no one is there for you is because you were too much of a d*ck. One of the longstanding arguments he had with my aunt he actually resolved before his passing. He admitted he knew he was wrong for decades but couldn't swallow his pride and accept that someone did something differently than he did.
Don't be like my uncle. Realize you're wrong here. You're entitled to your opinion but just know that your selfishness is burning a huge bridge with your sister. And likely your mother too. Hope your stubbornness allows you to cope with that reality. And hopefully your sister can see you for your selfish, true colors
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