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For me it's learning to adjust after both parents are gone. Their passing has changed my sense of place in the world and maybe a little of the self identity. These are not troublesome changes as far as I can tell. They seem like mostly they're healthy ones. It just never crossed my mind this would be an effect.
Having my first kid. No one is completely prepared for the change in lifestyle, sense of what's important, etc.
College was a little like high school. My first job was a little like graduate school. Getting married was a little like living together. etc. etc. but having a baby is NOTHING like your brother, sister, cousin, friend, or anyone else having a baby.
Well, I'm terrified because I KNOW my most difficult transition hasn't occured yet:
I am "on the spectrum" & have Hyperlexia.
I started walking at the same age I started reading: age 2.
I had my 1st child when I was 17; a kid with a kid...
I started college with a 9th grade education.
Had to "retire" to become a disabled son's caregiver at age 38 (just as I was entering what is considered the peak income earning years).
I will never be an "empty nester".
Absolutley not once in my life have I ever transitioned; it was always chaos.
Oh, nevermind. I may not have anything to worry about after all; why would the rest of my life be any different than the first 48 yrs were? As long as I keep landing on my feet I guess I'll be OK!
Last edited by coschristi; 06-28-2016 at 01:12 AM..
Reason: retire. empty nest
Some of the milestones that come along later in life (you younger folks might think you understand these, but unless you've dealt with them in a deep, personal, existential way -- you don't):
* The day when you realize that you've lived more years than you have left
* The day you realize your salad days are behind you and from now on, you're in cruise mode
* The day you realize you'll never be a parent, or marry again, and may very well die alone
* The day you realize you'll never succeed at doing something you've always wanted
* The day you realize everyone else who had a shared memory is gone; you carry it alone
* The day you are told you have disease X, and mortality comes up behind you and kicks you in the head
The struggle for the older adult is to look back at life's accomplishments and feel fulfilled, rather than sinking into regret and despair over what hasn't been accomplished. Some make it on this path to wisdom, others don't; my mother spent her last years in bitterness and resentment, and I refuse to follow in her footsteps.
The problem I have with all these lists that ask for the "biggest" or "best" of something is -- these are all highly subjective. For me, graduating from college was not a big deal; I didn't go to my graduation and picked up my degree later. For others, it's a huge deal.
The two I bolded are biggies. I look at my life and realize I probably only have 15-20 years left if I remain relatively healthy. My mother is 81 and her health is becoming tenuous. When she dies I will feel like an orphan despite her and I not being very close. My father died in 2006. My sister is only a year younger and if she dies first there will be nobody with the shared memories.
Even now when I look at my wedding video from 1984 I realize how many people who were there are now deceased and it wasn't really isn't all that long ago. Two of them died before they were 40.
Becoming a parent. Between love and disobedience, it is a grueling and challenging experience. That in itself is the core reward: to face this grueling challenge.
Beyond that, we all may have different standards.
By my standards, I agree that there is no predetermined outcome: good parents with mediocre/poor outcomes, mediocre/poor parents with outstanding outcomes, and everything in between.
To be sure, there are, or appear to be, set formulas of things we can do to improve chances, but there are no guarantees, except the grueling challenge.
I was surprised it took 5 pages before someone mentioned divorce. For me it was the hardest transition but it was the one in my best interest. It was painful to me and affected my work life and friendships. I didn't have children because of it.
Ten years later though, I found a better partner. Second marriage was also a huge transition we have had serious medical issues to deal with, adjustments to stepchildren, caregiving for my mom. It's been rough but rewarding.
Seriously. I got a "Dear John" from my stepmother when I was in boot camp.
That was my biggest transition.
I was in a very similar position. My mom, who had many problems, kicked me out when I was 16. My father who divorced her when I was a baby, has been in and out of my life, mostly out, so I had to grow up fast. I gave up on him years ago. My biggest life transitions came quite young. I had an advantage over others because I had to accept these changes at an early age when it's easier for people to adapt. I turned out all right, and I don't even have to give my parents the credit for it
Becoming a parent. Between love and disobedience, it is a grueling and challenging experience. That in itself is the core reward: to face this grueling challenge.
Beyond that, we all may have different standards.
By my standards, I agree that there is no predetermined outcome: good parents with mediocre/poor outcomes, mediocre/poor parents with outstanding outcomes, and everything in between.
To be sure, there are, or appear to be, set formulas of things we can do to improve chances, but there are no guarantees, except the grueling challenge.
But love outlasts everything.
Completely agree. Love is the only thing that can survive poor outcomes. No matter how wayward the child, they can always return to a healthy relationship with family if and when they sincerely choose to. On the other hand, even a child cannot have toxicity or cruelty overlooked by family, just because they're family.
I was surprised it took 5 pages before someone mentioned divorce. For me it was the hardest transition but it was the one in my best interest. It was painful to me and affected my work life and friendships. I didn't have children because of it.
Ten years later though, I found a better partner. Second marriage was also a huge transition we have had serious medical issues to deal with, adjustments to stepchildren, caregiving for my mom. It's been rough but rewarding.
I think divorce can have a range of impacts because it happens for so many different reasons.
My divorce was a big transition but also a big relief for both myself and my children. My wife was diagnosed with serious mental illness and it kept getting worse and she was near-zero compliant with treatments. There wasn't nearly so much true moral ambiguity in the decision as I often see with other people's divorces. It helped that I was protecting my children from a developing home situation that was by turns harmful to them outright dangerous. It wasn't like someone else I know who divorced their spouse because they were simply unhappy in the relationship, even though there was no overt abuse or failings on the spouse's part. Just that vague "we grew apart" or "irreconcilable differences" divorce ... it was the right decision ultimately for everyone including their children but it takes a lot of courage to end a relationship because you're getting AHEAD of looming problems instead of REACTING to them as I did. There were huge differences in social support between those two situations for example. I had nothing but understanding and support because I was clearly doing the Right Thing, plus I was the outlier Dad who took full responsibilities for his children rather than abandoning them to their mother. My friend though ... no one could understand the decision to divorce at the time and it was a source of distancing and even ostracism.
I can't really rate divorce as more consequential than becoming a parent though. Being a parent had a huge influence on my divorce, not the other way around.
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