Retreating? (introvert, anxiety, therapy, dating)

[Gabriella Geramia]

Has this ever happened to anyone? How did you get out of this and how long did it take you?

I have always been somewhat introverted but I knew I liked being around people.

Recently, in the last few month or so, I have grown a distaste toward being around other people. I have never felt it this strongly before. I think all the hardships from being an adult has piled on me and is getting too hard for me to handle than I could before.

Two years ago I felt I had nothing. I didn't feel I had much left in my city so I packed up everything and moved across the country for school. Now I feel I have even less. Less friends, less money... all the friends I've ever had from the city I grew up in went away. I even stopped feeling the desire to put in any effort toward them. I am suffering to figure out a reason why I should put in effort.

One logical reason is survival. You need people to get by. I recently went on a trip with my cousin. She fainted in front of me a couple times because she was ill. If I wasn't there I think she would have gotten severely injured. It made me realize I need people for primal instincts. I also need people to make connections and get by in work. Having friends around also seems to make time go by faster.

The problem is I have a major distrust for people. One of the first things my therapist said was "you have a hard time trusting people?" And I said "absolutely". I often find myself saying in my head "I don't trust anyone". The saying would come out of nowhere. Sometimes I curl up by myself in bed and shake because of how alone I feel. I feel alone sometimes and I want to connect with people. I want to have friends and have a healthy, normal existence. But I don't have fun when I'm around people. I am crying inside and no one will ever know because I have learned to hide my feelings extremely well. Sometimes I feel like I am a soldier and I have to hide my feelings for self-defense. Even if I want to let my guard down I don't know how. Forcing myself would only hurt and make myself seem unnatural. I can't have friends and I can't date. The only people I can be around are people who make me feel like I'm healing, like my therapist or people who I feel genuinely care for me and I feel calm around them. I feel anxiety around most people. I feel dread around most social situations. And I feel fear and distrust around dating prospects. Right now I feel like the best thing I can do for myself is to purposefully distance myself from people even if it hurts, even if I feel lonely, and to figure out how to fix this. But I don't know how to fix this and sometimes I feel like I need to see people while I work on myself, I need to see people to test if I am fixed.

Has anyone else gone through a similar caveman/hermit existence experience? In high school I would talk crap about wanting to be a hermit but I didn't mean it. Well, now I feel like it's too painful for me if I'm not a hermit. I feel like I've fallen into a catch-22 trap.

[oldwoman]

Yep. I'm exactly the same. So .... you have to force yourself to a certain degree. Yes, it feels unnatural, but it is a necessary evil.

You must step out of your comfort zone and find some like minded people who value you for who you are and what you have to offer. Then you must do everything within your power to maintain these healthy relationships. If they turn out to be unhealthy, then you must let them go.

You must continually check in on yourself to see if you need to work on your flaws, if you need to withdraw and recharge, if you are being reasonable and rational in your expectations of yourself and others.

You must be very brave and face your fears when you can, but also very self nurturing and gentle with yourself.

[Lovehound]

Wow GKelly that's a fascinating OP. In some ways I've felt what you feel, in other ways not at all. I'm going to hang around and see how your topic develops, see if I can gain more understanding and maybe contribute.

I moved away from my home town (LaLa land) to a small city (Santa Fe) and I too felt isolated. I had a nice friend I met on C-D who helped me, but in the end I developed only a few friends, neighbors, nice people but the friendship didn't stick after I realized I wanted to live in a big city and came home.

Another experience, perhaps an opposite of yours, I was always afraid of being alone. I wanted to go camping but nobody wanted to go with me. I finally planned a trip through AZ, NM and UT, figuring I'd always be within two days drive of getting home if I went through friend withdrawal. As it turned out I had a great time! I met fellow campers at each stop! I ended up spending almost 3 weeks on the road, and found all the friends I wanted along the way. Admittedly not permanent friends, but fun to be with people you will probably never meet again. Ultimately I bought a 4x4 and ended up tripping out to the rim of the Grand Canyon several dozen places, months of total time spread over several years, camping alone for 2-3 days at a time never seeing another human being, and in later years I got a dog who liked it as much as me. -- And this is the lesson I learned: I don't need other people to make myself happy. I like other people but they are not a requirement. Happiness comes from within, not from without.

Somehow I feel that my comments do not address your problems. Probably we are opposites, or at least different in a significant way. I was afraid of being alone. I tasted it. I discovered that it simply wasn't an issue. I'm happy with people, I'm happy alone. Okay I'm happier with a dog. With or without people. People are simply not a corner stone of my happiness or my fulfillment in life. Highly desirable but not essential.

I'm glad you are in therapy. You have a good resource if you have the right one.

And trust people? My favorite saying: "In God we trust. All others pay cash." Hell no I don't trust people. I like to give people the benefit of doubt, but they prove themselves before I trust them. You gain trust only by long time relationships. It's foolish to trust people you barely know. Not trusting people is not a problem, it's your survival instinct.

The only problem it can become is if you have a pathological distrust of all people that you cannot overcome. You trust your cousin. You trust your therapist. That's a start.

You're young, away from home, at school. That's hard on anybody. You'll graduate, you'll settle somewhere. Maybe you'll move somewhere else. That's the time in your life you can focus on friends.

I had a small clique in college, most of them from my same high school. But I attended college locally, chances are you will have to make new friends. Seek people with common interests. I was interested in computers, my college had a computer club. Get involved in some activities related to your school.

Trust me on this, based admittedly on a short sample of you as you presented in your OP, but I feel that you do not have any major problems, other than problems you share with many people your age, problems that will solve themselves as your life progresses.