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I would love the opportunity to be a step mother as I can no longer have my own family. For some reason, I always get the guy with no children who wants to be the child, sigh.
I would love the opportunity to be a step mother as I can no longer have my own family. For some reason, I always get the guy with no children who wants to be the child, sigh.
I think you actually touched on something here. From my experience, many step parents are jealous of the attention that the parent gives to the child. Others aren't familiar with kids being kids and probably about 60% are familiar enough with kids in general and are adult enough not to be competing with the step kids and doing fine except for just the same things bio parents deal with.
In the beginning, my husband advocated sending my 4 year old son to live with his bio father who wanted him. Told that husband the day the child has to leave, I would leave also. It didn't come up after that.
I am a step-parent. I actually spent a lot of time dating men without children because I didn't want a lot of drama. I was set up on a date with my now husband. I didn't want to even go and it took a few months to convince me. We have a wonderful marriage and totally worth it but it has been far from easy with my step-children.
Not sure what you are referring to but there is a thread now in the parenting section //www.city-data.com/forum/paren...e-stepson.html. Are you referring to ones like this? Seems to me like the step-dad is trying to do what any parent would do for their child, trying to raise a responsible, able, caring person. Don't you want a step-parent to treat a step-child like family?
Or this one? //www.city-data.com/forum/paren...pson-saga.html I would hope that any parent would be concerned if the teen lied about where they were more than once or left open food in their room or had a defiant attitude. Perhaps because they are a step-parent, they should just hold their nose (and tongue) when they pass the smelly room?
//www.city-data.com/forum/paren...tepparent.html Or this one, where step-dad is realizing what he is getting into providing for kids that aren't his and panicking? BTW, where are the boys' father(s) in that one? But I wouldn't think it's right to be planning to treat bio-children differently either, not financially, emotionally or any other way. It should be a family.
Or this one? //www.city-data.com/forum/paren...rents-can.html Why would it even come up? Step-parents enter the picture with strikes like this against them. But they do it anyway because they are capable of lots of love, beyond what they feel for their spouse.
Or perhaps this one? //www.city-data.com/forum/paren...yndrome-2.html where almost every poster jumps in to tell the OP and other subsequent posters that they must hate kids and why did they even get involved.
I think most step-parents want to create a family dynamic in their homes. It's really hard when the kids' former home fell apart. Families and homes don't fall apart for no reason. There had to be some dysfunction, maybe a lot of dysfunction to make that happen. The kids adapt to that dysfunction and sometimes accrue a lot of short-term gain from it. Gain like having no age appropriate responsibility, monetary profit from parental guilt, permissive attitude from parents, lack of supervision. Those things that make it difficult to work and play well with others when you actually become an adult.
I think a lot of the time that dysfunction continues and when a step-parent comes along and believes the situation needs correcting for the good of all members of the family, they are vilified for trying to make things better. This is especially true when the bio-parent(s) feel guilty, want their kids to be their friends instead of being in the role of parent/child, or they feel that they have to personally make up for what the other parent does or doesn't do.
I am glad that you can acknowledge there are a lot of wonderful stepparents out there. It's a hard, thankless job. You have no real authority, but all of the responsibility. You get blamed a lot but thanked very little. You clean up messes (physical, emotional, psychological) that you didn't make. You willingly do things that you know you aren't going to get any credit for. You do nice things that backfire on you. You do the right thing knowing that everyone else will be angry because you chose the right thing over the easy thing.
Your birthday isn't acknowledged. You may be the only person in the room not to get a Christmas gift. (Yes, it happened to me the year my spouse had heart surgery.) But you deal with it because you are an adult even though there's no way you can excuse that kind of behavior from a typical seventeen year old.
Yes, you can. Mostly because they are venting or asking for help because they are experiencing problems that affect the child, the family and their marriage. Posting that way in the parenting forum, seeking some support, guidance, etc., can be a healthy way to begin dealing with problems that are very often the worst they have ever faced in their family life. What's wrong with that?
Well, since most of the posts I found were about kids lying, making huge messes, not helping out, having a bad attitude and expressing that attitude freely, shouldn't the step-parent expect a little more? After all, lying is not a human attribute that gets you anything worthwhile in the long run. Things like good jobs, or good friendships or good relationships. Making huge messes and living in them isn't going to get you a bunch of friends who can't wait to be your college roommate. Never helping around the house isn't going to score you a brownie point when step-mom or dad is trying to get the house tidied up for company. And just honestly, it is frustrating (more than just annoying) when you cook a very nice dinner that you shopped for, prepared, served and the kid eats it, doesn't say it's good, doesn't say thank you, leaves the table as soon it's wolfed down without even putting his/her dishes in the sink, let alone helping clean up. I guess the kid is too busy with their own life to even take 30 minutes out of a week to help, and if the step-parent dares to say anything, then they are vilified. Again. Oh, and if they decide to stop doing that stuff, they are vilified. Again.
Does the step-child ever say thank you for picking up the stuff for him or her at the store? Do they ever get the vacuum cleaner out and take it for a spin around the living room? Taking on an active role in the running of the household and being polite and friendly toward a step-parent (or anyone) usually helps a lot toward developing a positive relationship. Practicing the golden rule (treat others as you would like to be treated) helps humanize them way more than expecting everything from them and giving little or nothing in return.
And miss all of this? I love my spouse too much! I am not afraid of hard work. I am emotionally strong.
When I get upset with my step-children, sometimes I just stop and realize that it is highly likely that they will someday find themselves in the role of step-parent. And I smile.
I LOVE THIS POST!!! Boy, could I have used this years ago... Excellent points all around!
My wonderful mother liked my one time girlfriend who was recently divorced with two small kids. She told me that I should not date her because I will be getting into a difficult situation. "The ex will always be around and I have to keep out of their infighting. The kids can always turn around and say that I am not their father". As a know it all 25 year old, I didn't listen but we did eventually break up not long after. My mother was a very smart woman and I thanked her for it since.
That said, I was still single in my 30s and early 40s. Every woman I met at any clubs or anywhere were completely undesirable to a baggage-free decent looking single guy in that they were all divorced\seperated\married\kids. I soon realized that all of the decent women were taken by my age and my opportunities were near zero. Fortunately, I met a younger woman (not at a club or was trying to meet anyone younger at that point) and we are married 10 years now with two beautiful children.
I would have probably remained single til I died before I married one of the leftovers that are out there.
Last edited by trusso11783; 03-27-2017 at 01:21 PM..
Like Dirty Harry said "a man's got to know his limitations". If someone doesn't like kids they shouldn't even date somebody with kids. After my husband died I dated a bit and one guy who was 5 years younger than me had a 10 year old son. After spending some time with his son and them together I knew being a stepmother to this child just wasn't going to work.
Agreed. I have dated a bunch of single dads. A few cases I truly could love the kids as my own, but the man did not feel or act the same towards my children. My children only have me and they crave another parent. I date childless men because I want my two children to be the only priority to my significant other.
My wonderful mother liked my one time girlfriend who was recently divorced with two small kids. She told me that I should not date her because I will be getting into a difficult situation. "The ex will always be around and I have to keep out of their infighting. The kids can always turn around and say that I am not their father". As a know it all 25 year old, I didn't listen but we did eventually break up not long after. My mother was a very smart woman and I thanked her for it since.
That said, I was still single in my 30s and early 40s. Every woman I met at any clubs or anywhere were completely undesirable to a baggage-free decent looking single guy in that they were all divorced\seperated\married\kids. I soon realized that all of the decent women were taken by my age and my opportunities were near zero. Fortunately, I met a younger woman (not at a club or was trying to meet anyone younger at that point) and we are married 10 years now with two beautiful children.
I would have probably remained single til I died before I married one of the leftovers that are out there.
It's your right to choose who to get involved with and have a preference for women without kids. I don't want to date a guy with kids, but I certainly would not call them "baggage" or leftovers. I hope that nothing happens and you and your wife get divorced someday because, by your definition, what would that make you?
I notice that >50% of complaints in the parenting forum and irl are about step kids. Why even bother dating/marrying people with kids if you're going to find fault with the kids? A lot of the things they complain about is things they wouldn't trip over if it was their own kid.
There's a lot of wonderful stepparents out there but boy, there's a lot more who aren't.
On most of the posts, you can tell it's a step parent before they even tell you. It's more about how they aren't living life like you want but rarely any humanizing them. They are just some annoying thing that you feed. Well, why don't you date someone else instead of screwing up some kid?
My question is, why does the parent of the child put up with the complaining step parent? I'd stand up for my child and kick the whining complainer OUT - ASAP!
My question is, why does the parent of the child put up with the complaining step parent? I'd stand up for my child and kick the whining complainer OUT - ASAP!
If the complaints were valid, you would do this?
How does that help your child?
How does that improve your marriage?
How does it improve your family life, especially considering the person who you are so quick to kick out is most likely a major financial contributor to the family?
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