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High school bulling was a nightmare which only continued into the work place. Had I met the right people in life, I wonder if I would have become a hit man.
I disagree with most of the other posters. First, I think it's wrong to "shame" the OP into thinking that somehow this is her fault and that the Sparkling One is drawn to some sort of "weakness" in the OP. Totally wrong IMO. Bullies are drawn to what's a perceived THREAT, not "weakness". OP mentioned that she's knowledgeable and competent about her activity at this gig and also quiet and serious. These are all traits that threaten others, especially loud-mouthed Sparkly types.
To me, she sounds like she's on drugs of some sort. Loud mouthed, yelling at people and "sparkly" connotes a person who is kind of revved up. And maybe definitely bipolar. Just my opinion. Bipolar people can be very charming and sparkly but also very threatened by calm, sane, competent people. I have had run-ins with that ilk myself.
I disagree with how the other posters said to handle this witch. Personally I feel you should "kill her with kindness". Focus on your work and be serious and competent but if she gets in your face, just kill her with kindness. Also to me, fighting fury with fury is not the way to go in life. It's not the way that I want to live myself in this world. It all comes down to your values and what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to be serene and kind? Or do you want to yell and fight others just because they are off the wall and messed up?
I will also stick my neck out that this clique stuff is partly due to other factors which you may not have mentioned. For instance, maybe they are all fat, overweight women and you are perhaps good looking and thin? that has been my experience working with women. They are mean witches when a quiet, competent, good looking thin woman shows up in their sphere.
Just want to reiterate one more time that I totally disagree with people pointing to the OP as the fault here. That is totally wrong and I am floored that you all are "shaming" her here. It's not right.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 8 days ago)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Delahanty
I'm still trying to picture how this dame can say awful things and shout at you, yet be "popular, funny, and charming" within your group.
Beyond that, you said you'd be happier if you left it all behind. You answered your own question. Do it, and quit worrying (read your post--you're doing too much worrying). And you're carrying around baggage from your teenage years. Stop it!
That's the part I'm still not understanding either. I do know women who behave the way the OP describes this bully, and no one likes them. Or almost no one. They just tolerate them and avoid them and basically are too busy/lazy/intimidated to put her in her place.
I disagree with most of the other posters. First, I think it's wrong to "shame" the OP into thinking that somehow this is her fault and that the Sparkling One is drawn to some sort of "weakness" in the OP. Totally wrong IMO. Bullies are drawn to what's a perceived THREAT, not "weakness". OP mentioned that she's knowledgeable and competent about her activity at this gig and also quiet and serious. These are all traits that threaten others, especially loud-mouthed Sparkly types.
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I think you're right. I do think bullies feel intensely threatened by people who are quiet, self-composed and don't do anything to fit into a clique.
Any posts on CD about bullying will bring out bullies in droves to lecture the victim, tell them it's their fault and try to make them feel worse about their situation.
Ask her what her problem is with you out loud with other around after one of her insults, she needs to be called out in public. Don't make it an argument, just a question.
THIS.
I'm curious, how long has this woman been in this group? Is she trying to take over your project? Does this woman belittle you in front of others?
I realize this is a volunteer group, but is there a higher up H.R. type person you can talk to? Most places of employment won't tolerate that kind of behavior.
I suspect she picks on you because she regards you as being weak. Bullies are attracted to perceived weakness like flies to honey. You might examine your actions to find out how you might be projecting weakness.
However, I also think that you will have to decide whether completing this project is more important than leaving this stressful situation.
. I think you should document all your interactions with her. Use your phone or a small notebook. Date each entry and log what she says. Try to get her exact words down. It is possible you can use this with whomever your group reports to defend yourself.
When someone deliberately picks on someone else, others do notice. It is bad when no one in the group defends you though. It makes me wonder if you have not made any alliances with the other volunteers. And I have to wonder why that would be.
I think that you could hurry your project along, and when it is completed, you could quit. I think that would satisfy your desire to meet your goal, and it would give you another goal--being relieved to not have to deal with this unpleasant person while you attempt to do a good work.
I think this is an excellent idea.
And when she starts her rants, tell her "Just a minute..." and in front of her, get your phone out, turn the camera on, and very obviously start recording her.
I'm thinking that would throw a little cold water on that hot temper of hers.
Yes, adult bullies. Some of the victim-blaming comments in this thread would qualify. It's like you despise the OP for what you perceive as weakness and want to get your own kicks in. Whoever else said that bullying goes on in this very forum is exactly right.
I hope that if someone ever knifes you in the ribs in a dark alley, you'll remember that "no one can do jack squat to you without your permission."
Victim blaming? Despise the OP? Perceived weakness? Lol. Sounds like I struck a nerve in you. Dear God. Dramatic, much? Get a grip. I posted my opinion that the OP can and should stand up for herself.
I conceal carry so if someone attempts to stab me, I have options...or maybe no one should be walking in dark alleys anyway? See, another choice!
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 8 days ago)
35,633 posts, read 17,975,706 times
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OP, you might be tired of this thread by now, but in considering all the things you could do to fix this, the advise of talking to your supervisor kept coming up. And you said there isn't a supervisor.
I'm so curious about what this is that you're doing - I've never done a volunteer job where there isn't someone in charge. Maybe there's not someone present all the time who's in charge, but I can't picture a volunteer "project" where you work with the same group of women and there isn't someone in charge of the program.
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